Letter I Wrote to My Boss

Lori,

This thing happened today and it was horrifying. Have I ever told you how terrified I am of spiders? One time a hobo was hiding on my towel during a shower and when I went to dry off it was wiped on my inner thigh right next to my no-no zone. By the way I do mean a hobo spider not a literal homeless person which would have been less scary actually.

Anyway today I was being a good employee and getting my schedule all prepared. I marked it up, read through it a couple times, got familiar with it, and held it in my lap. I even checked in the first patient and life was going well.

Patient number two ambled in and I held the clipboard about two inches from my eyes as I asked her to spell her name. Then a ferocious beast lept out from behind the clip part of the clipboard. Naturally i screamed and threw the clipboard on the desk and started running but I ran into the wall which is like two feet from where I was sitting. It kind of knocked me back into reality and I looked at the patient who had backed away in fear. Turns out she also has a phobia. I apologized, and she was completely understanding and asked if there was a man to help us. She started calling, "Man?!? MAN?!?" towards the back hall but no one came.

Meanwhile the spider was tapping his legs together at the time I assumed this was to prepare to jump off the clipboard and onto my face. But hindsight tells me he was probably just looking for the cafeteria. Lacy said that was probably the case and she has a farm so she totally understands animals and beasts.

I knocked the clipboard on the ground and saved us all by murdering the beast. Unfortunately his guts will remain on this scehdule because there is no way to wash them off. I've taped over the top of them to avoid contaminanting anything.
Remember that one time when we had our one on one yearly review and we talked about how my safety skills could gain me higher merit points? Well I think we can both agree I saved lives today. True one of those lives was my own, but still I mean what would you do with out me?

(I should clarify this photo was taken before the spider was removed from the schedule)