Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Electric Shock Therapy

     So this weekend was electrifying... literally. I am not good with electronics or machines of any kind. I used to be terrified of the oven. In fact, I even once caught the oven on fire and then decided to search the Internet for "what to do if my oven is on fire." Fortunately the only damage that was done was to the melted pizza pan, the cinnamon and sugar tortilla chips and my pride. I tried to convince my ex significant other that I was baking for Jaws from 007 but he refused to believe me. Probably because we used to play Golden Eye for Nintendo 64 and he always lost. 
     The very next week I caught the microwave on fire from trying to nuke one of those aluminum bags that Olive Garden puts your left over breadsticks in (I was pre-vegan). If you ask me they were setting me up for failure because how the hell else are you supposed to reheat those things if you are grounded from the oven? Sadly, I no longer own a microwave (unrelated to that incident I swear). 
     Then there was that time I was trying to do a crossword puzzle online and I somehow managed to get this gay man porography video virus that would play the same scene on a loop. No matter how many times I clicked the 'X' it kept going. After being tormented by this for a few moments with my jaw dropped and head cocked (pun intended) to the side I had the keyboard ripped from my hands and my ex significant other persisted to try to yell at me about the penises while trying to fix the damn thing. Meanwhile I tried to remain serious, because I am much like a twelve year old in that I can't keep a straight face when someone is screaming buttholes and penises at me every other word. 
     If I am completely honest I often develop irrational fears that my truck is going to spontaneously combust whenever it makes an unfamiliar noise. There may be a few of you out there that recall the handful of times when, in the passenger seat of your car,I abandoned ship at random stop lights or stop signs if the car made a weird noise and persisted to run away at top speed... only coming back to the vehicle after I watched from a safe distance (usually peering around a building) for several minutes. And yes, I am sure the one person in particular still is out there who could not coerce me back into their vehicle so I walked about six and a half miles home... Throughout the years I have gotten much better. 
     This weekend I had a setback. I innocently was handling an extension cord with three outlets on it. I had a fan, powered off, on one side and my iPhone wall attachment on the other. I was only trying to jam the USB cord into the hole in the square iPhone thing when suddenly I felt the fan shock me. It forced my hand to clamp closed around the plug and I couldn't let go. Somehow the fan plug came loose from its outlet thingy and the damn thing stopped being able to try to kill me. I saw my life flash before my eyes, except not really. I did however think for a long time that my heart was going to stop working. Or maybe that my arm was going to fall of since it wouldn't stop tingling. I think I will ground myself from extension cords. Perhaps I should just re-evaluate which of the electronics in my life are worth putting my life on the line for because clearly they all have some kind of vendetta against me. I am currently eyeing my lap top; wishing I had the balls to plug it into the wall. But that would take big balls like those men had in that porno and that is just gross. 
     Alas, I fear I must wrap this blog up which I have typed entirely on my cell phone since my lap top is dead. 
PS please forgive any typos as I am not sure how to work spell check on this thing. 

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