Monday, September 30, 2013

Sucky Vacuum

They say the definition of psychotic is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result… well fit me for a strait jacket. For the past couple of months I have been dealing with a broken vacuum cleaner yet I persist to still attempt to fix it and vacuum my apartment which in all actuality just consists of pushing dirt and leaf debris around the floor.

On Friday I arrived home after my super long chemistry lab. I thought about how I could not wait to try to fix the vacuum and finally, once and for all, get the dirt up off the carpet. I ringed my girlfriend so we could catch up from the week’s goings on. She had some serious things to discuss about her life. I sat there intrigued on my floor with the vacuum a screwdriver, some tater tots and a vanilla coke (soda is a rarity for me BTW I have it maybe once a month if that). When I opened my mouth to offer some advice a huge burp escaped my lips. I was mortified but thankfully she was able to find humor in my inappropriateness.

We continued to chat while I employed the use of my expert Mr. Fixit skills. Previously things fixed include a broken television and a broken DVD player so a vacuum should be a cake walk. Despite taking the whole damn machine apart I could not find the source of the blockage which prevents my vacuum from picking up shit off the floor. I put everything back together and reasoned that, even though I neglected to find anything wrong, the vacuum for sure would work this time.

I plugged in and turned on the vacuum. I began furiously running it back and forth over a leaf which despite my mental attempts to coerce it into disappearing into the vacuum, simply changed position slightly with each track mark I made. I soon noticed a strange smell. I am quite used to the gross vacuum smell being as I have been living with it every time I “vacuum” lately. This was slightly different. I shut off and unplugged the vacuum then noticed that smoke was billowing from the damn thing. I desperately was trying to wave it away but it kept producing more and more smoke.

I got scared and ran (yes literally) it out to the dumpster. I am quite sure my entire apartment complex was alerted by the noise that was following me as I dragged the vacuum by its cord, too afraid to touch its body, across the courtyard. I hope no one peeked out their windows because I am quite certain they would have thought I was crazy for running away from something I was pulling behind myself.     

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Lost in the Storm

I'm writing this from the car so I apologize in advance for any typos. I'm awaiting Justin to get off work so I can drive him home... technically this is his car mine is in the shop getting a tune up. He has been nice enough to permit me to use his car while mine is getting worked on.

Today I had my first Organic Chemisrty test. I'm pretty terrified about what the outcome will be. I've heard countless horror stories about how hard Organic Chemistry is. I wanted to be comfortable during my imminent doom (the test) so I wore sweat pants and slippers.

A damn near hurricane started while I was leaving class. Rather than wait five minutes for the treacherous showers to pass I braved the storm. My slippers soaked all the way through within about ten steps out of the building. This is like the 100th time that has happened to me though; yet I keep wearing slippers to class despite the ominous grey clouds I witness before leaving my apartment in the morning which pretty much are a guaranteed precursor to rain.

I kept on trucking towards the parking garage. Soon the water was creeping up my sweat pants. I looked down and noticed they were utterly and completely soaked up to my mid shin. I persisted on my journey; my slippers making a squelching noise with every quickened step. My pants trying to creep down my ass from the weight of the water as I was sopping up BSU's campus puddles. You're welcome fellow students for being your Moses and parting the sea with my sweat pants. 

At last I made it to the parking garage but could not recall where I parked. On the third floor I finally spotted the car and stood there with the key in the lock wondering why it wouldn't turn. Then I realized it wasn't the right car! Why do they let the keys go in the key hole??? A few curious passerbys glanced in my direction hopefully they did not realize what was actually going on while I was making a motion which somewhat resembled air humping whilst trying to jimmy the door open. If they were privy to what was going on they were probably too distracted by my pants because I bet everyone was still bragging about how Moses and his magic pants were on campus moments ago parting the sea of doom. 

I circled the parking garage down to level two and finally found the proper vehicle. I quickly got settled and drove away just in case one of those passerby people had been keen to what was really going on, and were reporting me and my wet pants to the proper authorities which could have been the fashion police, religious zealots or the real police... could have gone any way really. There would be no mistaking that I was the perpetrator though. At least I had disassembled my gun though, just in case anyone caught me.
Just kidding... Just a chemistry kit gun fashioned with bonds and Oxygen and Hydrogen atoms... Dear Reader; I won't be surprised either if I fail my chemistry test... Definitely failed gun making.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013


I should have stayed bundled up in bed today. The weather is taking a turn towards fall. Today's high is something in the mid fifties. There have been smatterings of rain in town too. As much as I am ready for fall and pumpkin everything part of me wishes it was summer all year long.

I had my Botany lab this morning. I threw on my favorite grey sweatshirt, some comfy jeans and my slippers from Roxy which are appropriately called "hot cocoa" slippers because they just make me want to cozy up to a roaring fire somewhere with a book and a blanket.
Things went well for the first part of lab (the instructions lecture) I half paid attention while I day dreamed about sleeping... The five-ish hours I got last night just is not cutting it today. Our lab instructor wrapped up his discussion and set us loose to tackle the day's task.

I am partnered with two guys in that class. I was standing talking to one of them when the other one walked up and then I mistakenly stepped on his foot. I over compensated when I stepped off and literally, without even thinking, grabbed his butt in an effort to steady myself and to console him for the foot injury. I immediately felt myself go red in the face and apologized for grabbing his ass. He told me in a joking manner that it was fine because he worked out.

My other lab partner caught on to my crazy a long time ago. He just looked at me in a 'what else should we expect from you,' kind of a way. I felt terrible! I kept staring at the floor too afraid to look at anyone who may come in my line of vision because after all there might just be another molestation. I fondle Justin's ass pretty much every five minutes when we are together. He is quite... shall we say gifted in the ass department. Apparently I have been conditioned to react to any circumstance by grabbing someone's ass because of the wonderful gift that is Justin's voluptuous ass. Hmm.. I sound like a sexual predator.

Anyway all of this ass talk reminded me of something
This happened approximately 2-2.5 months in to the beginning of our relationship yet Justin still stayed with me. Miraculous!

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Deer Montana, part two

After our death defying experience (which by the way some people may not consider hitting a deer death defying but those people are the kind of people that have handle bar mustaches and put their foot in the camp fire to move the logs around because they aren’t afraid of burning to death) Justin and I left the campsite to get to the house we were staying in. A friend of ours let us borrow a rental property that they have on the outskirts of town. After a brief stop by the police who asked Justin if he was wanted by the FBI because he was unsearchable in the police database (our headlight was missing if you recall the deer took it) we continued on our merry way. 

When we arrived at the property we had to open all of the windows since the entire trailer had been cleaned with bleach. This required us to tour the trailer which led us to a back bedroom that had this in it…

This was the first of many signs that the deer were trying to seek revenge on us. Justin refused to sleep in that room since he was convinced that a Toy Story 4: The Horrific Murder in Montana type scenario was going to play out in the middle of the night. We selected a different room and bundled in for the night. I mentioned in part one that on the drive up we played the ‘what Harry Potter character am I thinking of’ game I decided to continue this with ‘what Disney movie am I thinking of.’

Though it took several minutes for him to figure out what movie I was thinking of; Justin was not amused. I thought it was funny but whatever.

The next morning, after we survived the imminent peril that was a stuffed deer Justin woke up and was making this strange noise. I had never heard him make it before but it was a familiar noise. It was then that I connected some dots and realized that he was mimicking the noise the deer was making when it ran away. It was like he WAS the deer.

I finally got up and showered. I normally walk around in the buff but not in unfamiliar places. The windows were all still open anyway. I put on my fuzzy boots (the carpets were still a bit wet from being cleaned) and persisted to walk around in those and a bra and underwear. I found this in the corner and it was tough not to get my Miley Cyrus on. It was like fate because I pretty much looked like I could be a back-up dancer in her video that everyone hates so much where she humps teddy bears while wearing underwear or whatever.
 Anyway when we left for the day this was outside staring at us... and it was the first of many that we would find outside our trailer for the duration of our visit... It was like they knew and they were coming to haunt us. I honestly believe that they were peeping in our open windows at night but Justin thought that was crazy... Let's not forget who thought that a stuffed animal was going to get him!

Monday, September 23, 2013

Deer Montana, part one

Justin and I picked up our bags and headed out for a long wedding weekend in Montana on Friday morning. We drove for approximately 9.5 hours which though scenic, proved to be quite lengthy. To keep ourselves occupied we played the ‘which Harry Potter character am I thinking of?’ game. I won, would you expect anything else from me? Actually we weren’t keeping track so I am not sure who “won.”

We were on the final road before the turn off for our destination in rural Montana. Periodically throughout the trip I had undone and redone my seatbelt to get comfortable or to fish necessities out of the back seat. I, thankfully, was bucked up. The road was quite winding and it was lined with dense forest on both sides. The speed limit dropped from 55mph to 45mph and then the next thing I knew there was a deer right in front of our vehicle. It hit us on the driver’s side headlight and caused us to fly off the road towards the left. As contradictory as it may sound; it all happened so fast yet everything went in slow motion. I saw the trunk of a tree as it was coming towards us so fast yet so slow. I literally thought to myself, ‘well this is it,’ as we closed in on it. Miraculously we narrowly avoided it.

We were both quite shaken and asked each other if we were okay. The poor deer was lying in the middle of the road, motionless with the exception of its blinking eyes. Its tongue was hanging out of its mouth and I seriously thought its neck was broken. Justin got out and petted the deer then pulled it off to the side of the road so other drivers would not hit it. Someone pulled over to make sure we were okay at which point Justin was able to drive his car out of the ditch/forest on the side of the road. I was standing there talking to the man when the deer got up and ran into the forest making the saddest noise I have ever heard. I was happy that it got up, but I hope that she is still alive. There wasn’t any blood anywhere to be found. We are hoping that the car was low enough to the ground so that it just took the deer’s legs out from under it causing it to be stunned. I guess we will never know.

We drove a little way up the road and then my friend drove right up to us from the campground. Neither my friend nor I had cell phone service, and as I stated before Justin and I had been driving for about nine and half hours. Somehow my friend knew that something was not right so she had come to look for us. I feel, with the timing of everything, that she got that feeling right when the accident happened which is quite something.

Once we got up to the campsite some friends looked at the car and fortunately only the headlight was damaged substantially. The fender and hood are a bit crumpled but the damage could have been so much worse; not only to the car… but to us and/or the deer. I am thankful that everything happened exactly as it was supposed to. A second could have made a difference. We could have hit that tree, we could have hit the other two deer that were with the one we did hit, I could have been unbuckled and flown through the windshield.  We were very fortunate. 

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Tests, Labs and Bread Clips

I survived another week from hell… How you ask? I have no idea. What day is it, what time is it?!?! Where am I??? Just kidding. But seriously, this week was a nightmare. I had three examinations on Tuesday. After being sick the prior weekend I had little time to study. Fortunately I have been reviewing material often enough since fall semester commenced, and a lot of that information has somehow managed to stick. Two of three test grades are back (A on both). I am pretty sure I bombed the Botany exam though, which is weird since I eat, live, and breathe cupcakes plants. Come to think of it; it all makes sense now… The plants are revolting against me.

After Tuesday came Wednesday (is this a sentence? probably not). On Wednesdays I normally have my Botany Lab but I had to move my Chemistry Lab to that day too so I could have a clear schedule on Friday. Isn’t it making you sick to even try to comprehend the schematics of my schedule? After enduring a million years of tests and labs I am now finished and ready to leave town for Montana[1]. Why am I going to Montana? I’d say the answer is pretty clear. I am going there to murder Justin and bury his body; at least that is what his co-workers think (or so I have been informed). But I can’t murder Justin because if I did there wouldn’t be anyone around to pick on me about throwing away that stupid piece of plastic that keeps the bread bag closed. Does it REALLY prolong the bread life to have a piece of plastic on the bag? I think not.

In all seriousness I am actually going to Montana for one of my best friend’s weddings. I am looking forward to the adventure. Justin and I are driving so that leaves a lot of time to argue about plastic things on bags of bread[2] catch up since we have both been so busy in preparation for the weekend. We also have only ever had one vacation together which consisted of a trip less than 24 hours long to Jackpot, Nevada. I have also never been to Montana so that makes one more state I can cross off from the states I have visited list. Mostly, I am looking forward to watching one of my dearest friends get hitched.

In an entirely unrelated topic; I had a radio competition with some of the 19-ish year old ‘I think I am so thug’ boys at the stop light by the parking garage at the university today. Two cars in the lane next to me which were low to the ground, tinted window, rims etc. were bumping their bases in what seemed to be a ‘my radio is better than yours’ kind of situation. Well, luckily for them Mariah Carey's “Hero,” came on the radio and I showed them who was boss. While I endured strange glances from those in the crosswalk directly in front of me I persisted to lift my arm; reaching towards the sky. How do you not get all into it when Mariah Carey is singing? Anyway I think I won. 
Mariah Carey in the flesh... also what I probably looked like to the pedestrians in the cross walk. And yes, my face probably looked exactly like this even though I was too embarrassed to sing with the windows down. I am not sure what Mariah is singing about here but I think it might have something to do with bread clips and how unimportant they are.

[1] I should also mention that today I attended three classes and made a pit stop to see a long lost friend in between. Though the visit was short we had wondrous conversations about mystery meat (more on that later), hobbit feet and how truly extraordinary they are, fat necked dogs, and children who wake up in the dark (5:00AM) because they want to partake in the spoils of ice cream (I think this particular kid must be related to me. I often awake dreaming of food and then satisfy my cravings… or just eat while I am still asleep).
[2] Please don’t let my candid behavior regarding plastic things make you think that the BF and I are fighting because we totally aren’t. I am just hoping to drive my point home regarding the dumb plastic things. After all now there is published work on the interwebs that states those plastic things are pointless.
Look a picture this solidifies it.