Thursday, October 31, 2013

Halloween already?



Though I have not been big on Halloween in recent years I thoroughly enjoyed the holiday as a child. Every year I dressed up as a clown because I was terrified of clowns. I will have you know I actually cured my own phobia from the exposure I was giving myself (now if only they made believable spider costumes).

I will never forget when I was in fifth grade and it was freezing outside on Halloween. My friend and I decided to sneak into the classroom for recess to eat candy because the conditions were so terrible.  I was dressed in my full clown getup including the wig, the jumpsuit, the face paint, the red foam nose and huge plastic clown shoes. We tried to hide as nonchalantly as possible in the back of the room but unfortunately were discovered by a teacher that was not our own. It may or may not have been my rainbow colored clown wig… There is no telling really.

My friend took off like a rocket being launched into outer space. I on the other hand attempted to run twice and fell within about a step each time owing to my choice in footwear. Loud plastic banging noises echoed all around me as I tried to scramble to my feet… It sounded like I was trapped in a room full of empty milk jugs as I desperately was trying to flee the scene. At last I found balance. I had to run with my legs spread and arms out like I was on some kind of balance beam.
I think these might be Ronald McDonald shoes but these are similar to what I wore.. Mine were all yellow however.


I recall thinking to myself, ‘just run she will never catch you… and even if she does you are in full costume just pretend to be someone else.’ I continued to huff and puff with every effort of escape that I had in my loins. I kept looking over my shoulder, casting the scariest clown faces I could muster at the enemy. However this did not coerce her to run away as it would have done if roles had been reversed. She caught up to me within about twenty seconds at a leisurely walking pace.(totally reminds me of this scene from Monster's University)


Long story short I was so terrified that I had been caught breaking the rules that I think my own anxiety proved as punishment enough. The teacher laughed in disbelief when I tried to explain that I had been the only perpetrator that had sneaked in from recess. Once she convinced me that she knew another student was with me I told her I did not know who it was because they were in costume. Eventually she let me go. She even gave me some candy and told me that although I broke the rules she knew it was cold outside and could understand why I came in when I wasn’t supposed to.

I never dressed up for Halloween again (excepting of course the night years later when my sorority sisters refused to admit me to the costume party without a costume, and dressed me up like Malibu Barbie *sigh). I guess the lesson learned here is although Halloween may seem like the perfect day to commit crimes I would advise against it… especially if you are wearing clown shoes. You WILL get caught.   

*fun fact this is my 50th blog post*

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Spooopntaneous Surprises



Justin and I went for coffee this morning as we normally do on Saturdays. Ever since I quit caffeine it has been one of my favorite weekend pastimes. Sometimes I guess doing something you “shouldn’t” be doing is fun. We had to walk through some grass to get to his car. When I climbed into the passenger seat I couldn’t help but notice the smell of poop. I thought perhaps it was lingering morning breath despite having brushed my teeth. I remained silent as long as I could then finally I was like: “do you smell that poop? I think you stepped in dog poop.”

At this point we were already driving down a busy road. I could not shut up about the poop because the smell was so intense. I persisted to point the blame at Justin as he started to huff and puff and get frustrated. I repeatedly pointed at the bottom of my shoes saying things like ‘it’s not me, it must be you…’ and ‘you could eat off the bottom of my shoes.’ He kept asking what I wanted him to do since he was just trying to drive. Finally he pulled over at Idaho Central Credit Union and got out of the car to examine his shoes.

I noticed that the smell did not leave when he exited the vehicle. I watched as he wiped the bottom of his shoes all over the grass in front of a dozen or so bank patrons. He got back in the car and angrily said he knew for a fact it was not him. I reexamined my shoes and suddenly there was poop on the bottom of one of them. I tried to play it off but Justin wasn’t having it. He made me get out and wipe my shoes on the grass in front of everyone. I stared at the ground the entire time knowing that it was quite obvious what I was attempting to do. I watched as poop periodically dislodged itself from my slipper.

In a sulking manner I got back in the car and we drove in silence to the coffee shop. In my defense poop spontaneously appeared out of thin air and stuck to the bottom of my shoe. Obviously I was just having a psychic vision with my nose before it came on the scene. Anyway if I were Justin I would be more mad about the fact that poop can just spontaneously appear rather than being wrongly blamed as the culprit for tracking poop in the car… *sigh  

In unrelated news I stole this off of a friend's Facebook... If I were bald you can bet your ass this would be my Halloween costume. 




Friday, October 25, 2013

This is what I do on Friday nights....



I copy/pasted this FB conversation. It took me like 100 years to edit all the photos and last names off for privacy... worth the read to experience my embarrassment... If you have no time I would suggest reading Adam's initial post (directly below this) and then skipping down to the red, and reading on...

Adam

Thank You, Friday, For greeting me with a Black Widow on my front door!!! I feel warm and cozy now! And I'm posting this from on top of my kitchen table. Where I'll be hanging out the rest of the night. I need monkey bars that lead to my bedroom. Eeeek!


Top of Form
Like · · Unfollow Post · Share
  • 25 people like this.
Erin-  Omg jump on it!
4 hours ago via mobile · Like
Adam-  I threw a pickle at him, but I missed. I was hoping to daze him, and them move in swiftly. now, i'm trying to shoot him with the BB Gun.
4 hours ago · Like · 3
Wendy-  Thanks for the nightmares. This morning my daughter moved some papers on the kitchen counter, when this scary, fast black spider jumped towards her! It scared us both and she was sobbing. It was pretty hilarious.
4 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1
Emmylin-  You sure got close to get a pic this detailed... Sicko!
4 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1
Wendy F- you should use your experience to kill this one.
4 hours ago · Like · 1
Adam-  I held my phone with two tree branches Emmylin  and then pressed the pic button with a stick.
4 hours ago · Like · 1
Wendy - My experience in killing spiders is spraying them with something like WD-40 from a distance until it stops moving.
4 hours ago via mobile · Like · 4
  • Emmylin-  I call bullshit! That would be nearly impossible, even for a McGuyver type woman such as myself!
4 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1
Adam-  I tried negotiating....but she wouldn't budge.
4 hours ago · Like
Adam-  Emmylin...apparently you don't pay much attention to me. I trained McGuyver...
4 hours ago · Like
Adam-  in 1986
4 hours ago · Like · 1
Emmylin-  Bahahaha, no, no, no, you MUST be mistaken! Everyone knows that was me that did the training!
4 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1
Adam-  ya? YOU trained him?? well, why don't you come up here and try saying that to my FACE!!!! I've got a paper clip, a battery, and a sheet of legal paper. if you trained McGuyver, you know FULLY WELL what i'm capable of with those 3 items. bring. it. girl.
4 hours ago · Like · 2
Lori-  Kill it! Step on it.
4 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1
Malina-  Lime away ...

4 hours ago via mobile · Like
Malina-  Don't let it out of your sight it WILL find you. I would spray it with lime away and make sure you it him. Or put a pet paper towel on the end of your dick and then smash it with that
4 hours ago via mobile · Like · 3
Adam -Malina???? did you just say to put a pet paper towel on the end of my DICK and smash it with that???? your creativity amazes me. but NO. i'm NOT doing that...
4 hours ago · Like · 4
Malina-  Wow uhm that was like 45 typos sorry!!! I meant the end of your stick
4 hours ago via mobile · Like · 3
Adam-  dick, stick....heck...we're all Broncos....
4 hours ago · Like · 2

Malina M- I am laughing so hard I am crying a meant put a wet paper towel on the end of your stick and smack it with that. Man oh man that was the best typo ever
4 hours ago via mobile · Like · 4
Adam-  ya. ok. Malina M. I just remembered you're an Idaho Vandal. you SICKO... I don't know how you kill spiders up there, but we DONT do it like that here....pfffffft. put a wet paper towel on my....ugh. nevermind!
4 hours ago · Like · 2
Malina-  You're memory is severely flawed this must because you have a black widow spider in your house or you are still shaken by the thought of smashing it with your dick. I am currently attending BSU silly.
4 hours ago via mobile · Like · 2
Cindy - Ohh ewwwwww
4 hours ago via mobile · Like
Brigette-  Omg! I found one today too! Check out the pic i posted earlier if you haven't yet! Eeeekk! Why are these things coming out today!?
4 hours ago via mobile · Like
Lorena A- Between Malina's hilarious comments and the total fear of a black widow spider staring me in the face, I think I just peed my pants, thanks! Hahaha
4 hours ago · Unlike · 2
Adam-  haha no kidding Lorena !!! Just wait till you see what I tell Malina M to do the next time she finds a spider at HER house!!!
4 hours ago · Unlike · 2
Justin-  Nasty ....
4 hours ago via mobile · Like
Jeni-  Adam step on it or get a broom lol!
4 hours ago · Like
Kristine-  Oh man!! Went to comment on a spider and came in on the best convo EVER! Totally just made my Friday night! I can not stop laughing!! Freakin HILARIOUS!!
4 hours ago via mobile · Like · 2
Nicole-  Im with her ^^ i cannot stop laughing. P.s scrubbing bubbles works from a distance too lmao
4 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1
Adam-  I cant believe she told me to kill it with my d***. some people.....
4 hours ago · Unlike · 2
Nicole-  When i initially read it i was like wow that escalated quickly lol
4 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1
Jenny-  Eeekkkk
3 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1
Adam-  I guess there are just other things i'd rather swing at him, ya know? like a stick, or a bat. but dang... as least the weapon she recommended was readily available right??
3 hours ago · Unlike · 1
Nicole-  Exactly she was only being practical.
3 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1
Alicia-  Lmbo .... Thanks for the Friday night laughs!
3 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1
Jill-  Scary!!!!!!!!
3 hours ago via mobile · Like
Brooke-  I would be up there with you....
2 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1
Adam-  Brooke bring red wine reserves and a snickers candy bar. Crawl through the front window. Avoid the front door!
2 hours ago via mobile · Like · 1
Cindy - Shoe!!!
2 hours ago via mobile · Like
Indy- wtb omg
about an hour ago · Like
Elle- time to move!
36 minutes ago via mobile · Like
Christa- Yikes! Move!
12 minutes ago · Like
Malina-  I hadn't checked this in a while lol. I'm still laughing. How freaking mortifying. I'm glad no one took me seriously. Damn I want to print this out and save it ha ha.