Thursday, July 21, 2016

Friday Eve

I have a work friend who is in Turks and Caicos because she is amazing and celebrating her 25th wedding anniversary despite the fact that she looks not a day over 29. My other work compadre of mine and I were sitting there commiserating over the fact that we were stuck at work whilst friend number one was whisked away to a whimsical water wonderland. 

I got this new phone some time ago and it is an asshole. It autocorrects things all the time to shit I would never say. And Siri? Don't even get me stated that woman's favorite phrase is "I'm sorry I didn't understand that," followed quickly by her deleting whatever it is I am working on. And I'm like "Siri!!!!!" And she is uber quiet because I think she is in that lazy teenager phase. 

Today I message Turks and Caicos friend to tell her that my friend and I wished her a happy anniversary and a safe flight. But my phone autocorrected my text to read Smelly and I wish you a happy anniversary. Then Turks and Caicos friend  (sorry I feel like I have to type that ten times because I'll probably never say Turks and Caicos again in a blog) asked which site I was working at. I tried to type BI for breast imaging and my phone autocorrected it to BO. Yeah. I'm with Smelly at BO awesome. Makes sense I suppose. 

Also my work wife sent me this photo today with the caption: "When someone asks how my diet is going,"

Fitting. Totally fitting. Oh and one more thing; Turks and Caicos. 

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

The Purge

Remember two days ago when I shared the most exciting news ever about cleaning out the garage? Yeah I figured you wouldn't. But it is cleaner than it used to be. Progress. 

Last night I was slightly nervous about my prospective out of town trip on the horizon. I was slotted to leave Monday which was pushed to Tuesday and eventually (this afternoon) was cancelled altogether owing to an automobile malfunction. So my nervousness was wasted as I sat wide-eyed and bushy tailed next to one snoring big-butted man AKA Justin. Who by the way confessed that his anti-snoring nose strip was attached to his undercarriage this morning. I hope I wasn't sleep malfunctioning again... It was probably his fault. Yeah. I'm going with that. 

I started to ruminate over the things I'd tossed out in our garage purge. My guilt grew increasingly more prominent as I envisioned a certain gift that was hand crafted for me approximately 27-28 years ago sitting in our garbage pail. I vacillated for hours over it. Isn't it funny how we can grow so attached to material objects in our lives. Isn't it even more peculiar when those items provide a host of bad memories?

I ultimately went and fished the item out of the garbage pail. It was covered in dust, dirt, debris, and dead bugs. I half-heartedly brushed it off and placed it in a plastic garbage bag so it can sit in the corner of our garage until such a time I deem it appropriate to throw away. I guess sometimes it is hard to ignore the memories; be it bad or good memories. I suppose that is okay--because how else are we supposed to grow, and live and all of that? 

I hope I'm not the only one unable to detach from certain things. If I am then hey; that's just one more "interesting fact," I can use to describe myself in future job interviews. People will be like 'i saved a man from a burning car,' 'I climbed Mount Everest,' 'My sister is Natalie Portman,' and I'll be like 'I have attachment issues to inanimate objects,' and I'll probably be wearing the item which I would have fashioned into a cape because Hogwarts. #winning. 

Sunday, July 17, 2016

Good Times with Gooder Friends because Gooder is a Word. It's in the title of a blog now so yeah....

This weekend was jam-packed once again but in a good way. I'm not just talking about all the peanut butter, earth balance, raspberry jam sandwiches I ate either. Which by the way were excellent. 

Justin and I worked hard to clean out the garage. Since we (Justin) finally finished the side yard and the shed it was time to move on to the to the mess that has only been visited one time since we moved in almost two years ago. Now we've got a garbage can full of trash, a recycling bin full of collapsed boxes, a pile of stuff for a yard sale, a shed full of tools, and a couple boxes containing some sentimental value items that will be stored in plastic totes once we pick a couple up. So cheers to us and our adulting. 

This weekend was also one of our regular visits with some of our besties. In a surprising turn of events I won like every game except one that we played. I guess my day has been a long time coming and finally arrived. 

A classic action shot... Great form right there
Smores-- next time I'll bring some vegan marshmallows. 

Trying to get ready for a photo. We ultimately decided my thighs were too thunderous to be photographed from that angle. 
Some of my favorite girls
Serious strategizing

Now to see what Monday and the work week brings. 

Friday, July 15, 2016


I was quickly trying to gather up my work necessities the other morning before heading out of the house. It's not my fault that I need like nine hundred things. Alas, tragedy stuck again ...

This it the third pair in a year. I'm under the impression that Justin thinks my breakages are deliberate but I assure you they are not. 

My first pair was Harry Pottered in half. This was highly upsetting because they were on the more expensive side. I'm thankful I had about six years of use out of them before they broke in half. My second pair had the lens fall out every time I blinked. This pair is a bit different. Technically I can still wear them. I pretend like I have those opera glasses except the stick I hold them by in angled the wrong way. But it still works and j pretend to be an important cultured handsome woman. 

I received two new pairs of glasses today. Now the countdown begins to their imminent destruction. A couple of my gfs at work think I need goggles and I must admit I agree. 

Thursday, July 14, 2016

Contact Who?

I checked in this patient today and she had two emergency contacts. This is not uncommon. I focused my eyes over each name and said; "okay so you have Dick and Dick for an emergency contact? So two dicks?" Then I felt myself turn red. The patient paused for a totally inappropriate time frame (I think I don't know I'm pretty hypervilligent these days so it may have only been a fraction of a second). 

Patient: uhhh?

Me: let me see oh yes they are two different Dicks. It says one is your father and one is your spouse?

Patient: yes that's right

Me: okay awesome 

Then I continued about my business trying not to act like a 12 year old because I could not contain the hilarity of having not one but two dicks as emergency contacts. End. 

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Devil's What?

I was minding my own non-violent vegan lifestyle business the other day when suddenly: 

Me: Ahhhh!

Justin: What? 

Me: Hurry up and get out here there's a monster! 

What seemed like hours but really was only a couple seconds passed (but long enough for that little shit to waive his ass at me because he has obviously been spying on me and knowing that I like Justin's butt. He seemed to sense his imminent doom and tried to do a sexy butt dance that was actually horrifying because he has fucking pinchers on his ass.) Justin finally finished urinating since apparently that was more important than saving my life, and came to look at the beast. 

Me: What is it?

Justin: a bug

Me: okay thanks couldn't have figured that out on my own. 

Then Justin acted manly and flushed the monster down the toilet. I'm pretty sure that's how lochness monsters are made. You're welcome Scottland. 

Apparently these little blighters are called Devil's Coach Horse Beetles.
Totally appropriate. And they lay eggs in your brain while you sleep.
Makes sense. 

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

Jesus Loves Recycling

I recycled Jesus today. Well not Jesus exactly but a magazine about Jesus and holy people. I tend to personify things so what better name to give the mini-magazine than Jesus?

Technically my work mate was the one who put it in my recycling bin because she saw how much of an internal struggle I was having. She can be really strong and brave; whereas I'm like "if I throw Jesus away spiders will come crawl in my mouth," because that could happen. Except he wasn't thrown away he WAS recycled so... That's what Jesus would want right?

In all seriousness this extraordinarily kind woman gifted Jesus to me. She advised me that the stories in Jesus were beautiful and I should leave him in the waiting room. She then kept asking what I liked to drink. I was worried she was angling at trying to bring me a drink; mayhaps even rufee me with a 'honk if you love Jesus,' kind of drug. I was terrified she would come back to see how I liked Jesus and see if I put him in the waiting room like she asked while possibly giving me a drink that would make me feel even worse for recycling him. Then I'd have to sit there and lie about Jesus while accepting more gifts. Jesus would probably resurrect himself and call out of the damn recycle bin right in front of everyone. 

Fortunately I transferred Jesus from the little recycle bin to the big locking recycle bin, and the woman never returned. For now all is well in my world. If I should come down with the plague you'll all know why. 

Friday, July 8, 2016


I don't play volleyball because my arms usually turn fifty shades of hot pink from my hulk smash mad skillz that actually involve me just hitting the volleyball in a haphazard way so that it sails off into the ocean never to be seen again. I don't even live by the ocean so clearly this is highly problematic for anyone on my team. 

Justin and I went to Fred Meyer to pick up a yard game to bring to his parent's house on the 4th of July. We ruminated over a croquet set because Justin has been wanting one. I think I could possibly get away with wearing pantaloons if we got one so then I'd have an excuse to buy some which would be awesome. 

Anyway we wound up getting these lawn darts that were shaped like toilet plungers and pretty much were the equivalent to such when trying to lob them across the yard. It was not very ego boosting. We'd invited my friends over and I was like hey let me force you to play this game with toilet plungers that we all hate... Ugh. But this brings me to my point. 

I saw this on the shelf and really feel like had I brought Wilson to the bbq he would have been the talk of the town. We may not have "played" volleyball with him but we could have totally re-inacted "Cast Away." Next time I'll go with my gut. Not my.... Butt?

Thursday, July 7, 2016

Stressed Spells Desserts Backwards

I found this new kind of chocolate the other day. Sometimes when I go shopping I momentarily fall into autopilot because I'm so anxious about being vulnerable in the store. Every once in a while I end up with something I can't actually eat from the grocery store, something I would never wear in a million years from a clothing store, or random tools from Home Depot when I can't remember what I went there for in the first place. (That one time I bought a hand saw because you never know when you might need one and obviously that is what I went to Home Depot for... not a 9 volt battery. For the record I left the hand saw with my ex boyfriend and never did get a 9Vbattery for that smoke detector because that house I was living in probably could stand to burn down in a non-pyromaniac kind of way). 

The other day I was at the co-op. I knew I needed chocolate so I found myself bombarded with options in their specialty isle of sweets. Justin always picks on me for not trying new things. I was like omg I will try all this new chocolate and Justin will be SO proud. Except I was so anxious and forgot how to read so I wasn't sure what was vegan and what wasn't. I rifled through things as though trying to detonate a bomb looking for any and every kind of vegan chocolate I could find. I think I wound up with three different bars (hard to tell I also eat when I get nervous so I can't account for them all). 

I got home and fell in love with one of the bars but it apparently is a probiotic bar for pooping. I've been trying to work out how to get more from the store without them noticing all the poop related stuff on the packaging. I'll have to make up something and be sure to reiterate that I'm "plenty regular," should anyone cast a questioning look in my direction. Today I bought three more bars. That should tide  me over for a few hours. 
Now if you'll excuse me I have to finish breaking into my chocolate bar while evading Justin's sweet tooth. I was nearly discovered moments ago when He came upstairs to wish me a goodnight. I didn't hear him quick enough so I hid the very chocolate under my ass like a mother hen. Close call my friends. I'm not sure why but I feel like a hand saw would really help me in this situation. 

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Animal Magnetism

I'm not very good at spontaneous. Unless you count being spontaneously bad at being spontaneous as being good at being spontaneous in a backwards sort of way... which it kind of does count because spontaneous people would totally be like yeah I'm cool with it. Because usually they are down for anything. 

I feel like mayhaps I'm typing in circles again. This tends to occur every so often but hey it's my Thursday because it is Wednesday of Independence Day week and I don't have to work real Friday. I also didn't work Monday. Wait... Wait... I'm doing it again. Forget that none sense. 

Today Justin and I spontaneously joined a friend of mine for dinner. Technically I was invited yesterday but to me that is as good as spontaneous. This is huge considering I don't normally eat in front of people but I've been WAY better about that lately. Yeah I may not shovel it in to the extreme I do when it's just Justin and me but I can eat normally-ish now. Plus I was spontaneous-ish? Good job me. Good job. I deserve pats on the back. 

Speaking of pats Justin has some animal-magnetism going on like you wouldn't believe while we were waiting for dinner. 
Nothing there right? No. Look again. 
Justin is going in for the pets
Now someone else wants some pets 

I swear they flock to him just like kids do. 

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Phil-ing Sick

This weekend when Justin and I returned from our mini vacation I awoke the following morning feeling a bit under the weather. This was slightly annoying but nothing I couldn't deal with. 

As the day wore on I developed a strange ringing in my one good ear. Seeing (or hearing) as how I am completely deaf in one ear I tend to go slightly bat-shit when anything happens to my other ear. I'm a little tempted to walk around with a single ear muff or a one sided Princess Leia hair as a preventative measure. I have a funny feeling the lady at work who tells me to brush my hair more would not be able to stand either one of these fashion statements. Huh. That kind of makes me want to do them more. 

In all seriousness I grew increasingly more worried as the seconds of ringing turned to minutes, and the minutes turned to hours. Justin kept talking to me since after all we are in a relationship and we communicate. 

Justin: "What do you feel like for lunch, Phil?" 

Me: (huh weird I wonder why he is calling me Phil) "uhhh whatever you feel like. Cake maybe? 

Justin: "Do you want to go to Primary Health? I'll do whatever you want to do, Phil."

Me: (did he make up a joke and I totally don't remember? Why does he keep calling me Phil? I'll just ignore it) "yeah sure I feel like maybe my hearing isn't as good as it normally is. 

Justin: "okay well we can go, Phil."

Me: (wtf enough with the Phil)

Like ten more conversations transpired where Justin called me Phil since we wound up going to Hastings to look at Harry Potter stuff before the doctor (priorities). Finally we got all checked in and Justin was reading a sports magazine and discussing the articles. 

Justin; " oho North Carolina; oh wait I don't want to read about how they lost, Phil."

Me: "okay why do you keep calling me Phil?"

Justin: "what?"

Me: "I'm not Phil why are you calling me that?"

Then he started dying laughing and making fun of me. Apparently he wasn't calling me Phil. I'm not sure what the fuck it was he was saying all those times but he mumbles so it is totally his fault. 

When the doctor came in I was quick to explain the dire nature of my ailment. Including everything about Phil. The doctor was not impressed and I'm pretty sure he thought Justin was fucking with me. And I still wonder if he was. Except he swears up and down he wasn't. I kind of trust him with every ounce of my being since he is my better half. Or maybe Phil is. 

Monday, July 4, 2016

Happy Independence Day

My mini sabbatical (preparation for Justin and my quick getaway and taking our mini trip) is over. Funny how sometimes I find that I over prepare for things; I suppose that is the anxiety. Which by the way is a cruel bitch. 

This weekend Justin and I stole away to see a good friend of ours. Or rather a couple of good friends and their baby who is pretty much one of the most adorable babies on the planet even without my bias. We took some pretty photos but there are a couple hundred so I'll share a few of my favorites. 
Lake Cleavland (my phone totally tried to autocorrect that to cleavage... Perv)

Take a peek in the lower right hand corner. Ahhhhdorable

Hey how'd Hagrid get in here!?

hope whoever out there that is reading this (hello, self) enjoyed their Independence Day. May you find independence from the toxicity in your life. May you finally be free in whatever way that means to you.