Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Prime Time Shopping

One of my friends suggested a book for me to read. Being as how my Amazon cart has been idling just under the $35 marker for a few months (free shipping amount for us non-Prime users) I was rearing to put the book in my cart. Also a certain holiday is coming up for which one of the books in my cart will make a great gift to a certain someone. So that made me even more excited. 

Anticipation was mounting as I awaited what felt like decades because let's face it; my patience is dreadfully thin. I decided to see if Amazon could read minds so I keyed "book Lacy told me to read," into the search bar this is what Amazon suggested. 

Way to go Amazon. You think Lacy is a perv! Though I must say Lacy does milk her own goats and she is a sexy beast so there is that. Huh. 

Monday, May 30, 2016

Texting Troubles

I have a few friends that I text frequently. I also text Justin like I'm his fan girl because I am. Sometimes I'm only mildly aware of who I'm text messaging because I think I've text messages a particular person last and don't even pay attention and just click on the top text and go for it. Lazy? Brain dead? I dunno but it makes for some interesting conversations I suppose. 

Me: We have to be careful Rhinocerossing because there is a metal thing sticking out of the bed

Lacy: wait... What?

Me: Omfg sorry I meant to send that to Justin I just did a ton of yoga because I ate too many cookies and I am out of it. While doing yoga I bumped into the side of the bed and there is this metal thingy poking out. Rhinocerossing is not sex I promise!

Me again: It's really dumb but if one of us is standing at the foot of the bed facing it the other one runs like a rhinoceros and knocks the one standing on to the bed

And me one more time: I swear to god we don't have sex like rhinos omfg

Lacy: OMG that is the most amazing accidental text lmao

Me: I seriously hope that you don't think we practice beastiality 

Lacy: I would hardly think that. Plus if you were legit into rhinos I need to know two things: how is it accomplished and where do you keep the rhino?

Somehow my friend believes me and doesn't think I'm crazy which is awesome. I chalk this up as a win. 

Thursday, May 26, 2016

I've Got Friends in Many Places

Lots of people are just like DYING to be my friend. It is evident by all the friend requests I get on social media (like two per year), and the number of people who read this blog (like one per year). 

I was innocently minding my own business when this random phone number called. I usually don't pick those up because the callers always think I'm fucking with them, and that I truly am their long lost granddaughter. Like Anetta who continually called to leave me pleading voicemails to pick up the phone again because obviously I WAS her granddaughter. This went on for ages. It was heart breaking. I should have just let her adopt me. 

Back to here and now I get this random call from a certain Gerg, allow it to go to voicemail, and then proceed to listen to this super detailed message about how me (my name is Aunt Linda in this scenario) did not receive my/her invite to his kid's graduation. 

I decide to text because he says several times that he'll continue to call until he reaches me. Then this happens. 

God Greg, are you related to Anetta? I know how much you guys want to be my friend but I swear I'm not related to you. Just kidding. Greg figured it out eventually. 

Wednesday, May 25, 2016


I'm on another work trip this week. Well, technically just for this night. It does feel like a week though since I don't get to see my main squeeze for approximately 36 hours. 

It's been interesting so far here in this small town. I haven't been here before. I've driven through since it is right off a highway. This particular highway apparently runs from Newport, Oregon to Newport, Maine. I'm not sure of the facts on that, but the motel owner seemed pretty confident about his claim. Also I learned that there are only about 330 people here. Well 333 now I guess since my work mates are here. 

I'm still recovering from the gross illness I got on my last mobile trip. So I'm feeling extra needy and missing Justin extraly because that is a word and because I'm using that as an excuse. Though perhaps I'm just becoming one of those clinger 5,000 basic bitches. Great. 

I did kill a huge spider when I got here. It was in the motel room like, "welcome," and I was like, "I'm am an independent woman and will squash you to hellllllll," except I was more screamy. Yeeeeuck. Also we almost killed a couple of cows with the mammography bus because they apparently don't have fences out here in this free-range area. They probably just wanted mammograms because we don't come here very often and they need to be screened too. 

Anyway here is a photo from before I left. I was trying to take a picture of the flowers Justin bought me when he came waltzing into the room and I angled my lens at him instead. The photo is all blurry, and I didn't get the whole flower or the whole Justin, but I like it because I'm feeling nostalgic. 

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Festival of Sausages

I won a contest. A real live freaking contest. Except not really; or not yet at least. *sigh 

Ladies, and Gentleman; I'm possibly going to sausage fest. Why you ask? Because apparently I'm more learned in meaty beefy porky sausagey creations than like a million other Facebook people. I think this is wunderbar. 

I wanted to take photos of every single comment but obviously that would have take far too long. Also I've had a change of heart and totally want to go to sausage fest because I'm vegan and that would just be.... Well you know a deliciously gloriously ironicy moment. 

Justin pack your sausage... It's time to go. 

Monday, May 23, 2016


This weekend I started this new thing with Justin in the bedroom. I don't know where it came from it just happened. Kind of like hammer pants only better because you can't get too fat for it. In fact the more weight you gain the better. 

I call it Rhinocerossing. Justin stands with his back to me facing the bed and I run like there is no tomorrow and rhinoceros into him. He then flies across the bed because I am so forceful. It is amazing and possibly should become an Olympic event. 

Honestly I feel like our next house should have a super long hallway in it so I can get a good running start. Adulting at its finest and goals. Yes that was a sentence. 

I found this photo on the interwebs that depicts what happens during Rhinocerossing.
I'm the gentleman running the cliff is the bed and Justin is my unsuspecting victim. 

Friday, May 20, 2016

Stitch Fix, Pinterest and Chuck Norris

I started using Pinterest. Kind of. I'm still not very good at it and mostly use it for Stitch Fix which by the way I'm slightly addicted to. I will write a post someday when I have the energy to give it the justice it deserves. It has been a long week since I'm still on the mend from this bad cold that is hanging on like...well; a bad cold. I am feeling pretty brain dead. In the meantime here is a shameless plug for the website https://www.stitchfix.com/referral/6305787

Back to this Pinterest business. I do collaborate on a couple of boards with one of my girlfriends. She is also known as my work wife just FYI. We share a love of yoga and seem to enjoy the same poses. We keep intriguing poses organized on a Pinterest board so that when we are bored we can try them. She does the majority of the pinning since I am electronically challenged. I however have pinned a handful of things. Now Pinterest thinks I am a man. Check out this email I got of pins it suggested for me. 

Jerk. I guess Pinterest isn't the first being to suspect that I have a penis. Hell even sometimes I myself have to double check and make sure I'm not a dude (in the most non-sexual way possible I might add... usually I feel around for a beard-especially since one of my main thinking poses involves my combing the side of my face/chin area with my thumb and forefinger.) huh. I guess it's Friday and that is all I have to say for myself because I'm pretty sure if I keep yammering on I'll grow a mustache then Justin might feel conflicted about loving me. He claims he likes my feminine touch, but I rather think he likes being manhandled. Also he likes when I roundhouse kick in the living room like Chuck Norris because obviously it is hella sexy in a rough and tough rogue cowboy kind of way. 

Thursday, May 19, 2016

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...."

Remember that time when I wore that new shirt to work and it kept smacking my ass, and I didn't know it was my shirt? Then I gave some guy weird looks because I thought maybe it was him playing grab ass even though he was too far away to actually touch me unless he had a very long stick. 

Today I came out of the bathroom and bumped into a work colleague. I started a full on conversation with her as we walked back towards our neck of the woods. She was so immensely interested in what I had to say that she remained dead silent. I laughed coquettishly at my own remarks as I made eye contact with the man I falsely accused of fondling me a couple weeks ago. 

Out of nervousness (stemming from the last strange encounter we had) I turned around to see if my colleague was smiling at him too. She wasn't. She apparently had gone to the cafeteria. So now that guy thinks I talk to myself which is awesome. Totally reminded me of this horrible time I had when I was an awkward teenager at the water park. Everyone pretty much thought I was mute back in those days. Except of course my handful of friends. 

My sister, one of her friends, and I went to this water park that had newly opened. They wanted to ride together on the two person raft for this particular slide. I was like awesome I will ride on the two person raft by myself because that's how I roll... or slide. 

As if that wasn't borderline sad enough I then was carrying my raft back up to get in line again because I had so much fun with myself obviously. So thinking the other girls are directly behind me I begin to carry on a full blown one sided conversation with them because I had to make up for the time when I was pretty much mute at school. 

My words caught in my throat as I noticed this particular crush of mine (now 30, married and a little on the obese side possibly missing a tooth). He smiled and I almost died turning to give my sister the "that's HIM," look. She wasn't there. Yup. Awesome. So here I was carrying my two person raft all alone and talking to my imaginary friends. Dear teenager me ; I am still me in many ways. Except now I guess  I have a car, a Justin, and a rather impressive collection of "Harry Potter," books. 

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Color Me Happy

Apparently coloring is a thing now for adults. I've been left scratching my head, though with great happiness, over the hundreds upon thousands of adult coloring books that have come out. I've always colored because I don't need to give a reason why. Now my options feel limitless as I even proudly own a couple Harry Potter themed coloring books. 

There was this coloring contest at Hastings. For those of you who don't have a Hastings near you I'm sorry. Hastings is amazing. Fortunately they have an online store so one can definitely peruse online. Be warned you may want to buy things your boyfriend thinks are not necessities. 

Anyway Hastings' coloring contest happened sometime around March. The winner of the contest was given two Harry Potter coloring books, a small gift card and some colored pencils. I spent like sixteen hours coloring the minute details of Hedwig in the forbidden forest. I thought I had a fighting chance except not really. Unfortunately I lost miserably. Justin thinks it's because my Hedwig looks like she ate Elton John I think she looks like every other thing I color. 

I never did take a final photo of my submission because I got so excited about mailing it. The above photo was taken close to the end however. Never underestimate the fucking tediousness that goes into coloring something this intricate. But damn it I finished it. 

One of my girlfriends randomly purchased me a Harry Potter coloring book a couple of days after this contest submission period ended. I'm pretty sure she knew I was going to lose and she was attempting to spare my feelings. I'll take it. If you need me I'll be coloring in my blanket fort with Hagrid. 

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

The Cat's Ass

Monday and Tuesday have been exceptionally busy at work. We've had a co-worker out sick in our area and things have gotten a little hectic.

One of my favorite friends now works alongside me in this particular portion of our department. We comprise an elite team all clustered in the same grouping of cubicles. It astounds me how I feel like I can only mutter two or three sentences to her when she is mere feet away. Previously we were able to chat online all day long from separate offices in different cities. Lame sauce. 

Today I was feeling needy so I left a drawing of a cat face on my friend's desk while she was at lunch. Because what better way to communicate than by cats? I would have left an actual cat but Pancake would have gotten jealous. That's her cat. And yes that is the most awesome non-Harry Potter themed cat name ever. 

I took my lunch after she returned. I came back to this:

It really set the stage for what happened next. I made my way to the rest room which is located outside of our department and shared with several other employees. I sat down to pee and caught something out of the corner of my eye. On the floor next to me between my stall and then next was a fucking turd! I was like oh my god don't look at it! Then I kept almost throwing up. I totally had stage freight because I felt like someone was watching me because the turd was. So I couldn't pee and I was so afraid whoever came in the bathroom after me would be convinced that I left the turd on the floor; especially because it was taking so long for me to pee. 

Humans can be filthy. I'm not sure who decided to leave that gift on the floor but my goodness... Shudder. No-just no. 

Monday, May 16, 2016

Work Trip Blues

I had a rough week last week. Being out of town for work can be a challenge. Being out of town for work and falling ill is a tougher challenge. I was exhausted when I finally got home. I spent a few days recovering or attempting to at least. 

I'm truly spoiled when I don't feel well. Justin attends to my every need and want with his big-butted self while I whine and cry to him. He'll make me toast and soup, or perhaps bring me a piece of chocolate. It is delightful. Needless to say I was feeling quite directionless after four whole days without him. 

Last night though I was in much better spirits I still was suffering from missing him over the weekend. I begged for him to come to bed early so we could cuddle and I could whine to him. For reasons unbeknownst to me he had me wait an entire thirty minutes before gracing me with his presence. 

How ever did I survive in the interim you ask? I made a Justin. 

That's right; look at it!!!! Meet Justin number two (who by the way is not as beefy as regular Justin and way less satisfying to hug. Not to mention he is an amputee) Justin was appalled by my creation but I'm pretty sure he was just jealous. Obviously he missed out on some great conversations, arm wrestling matches and cuddling.  Thinking of bringing Justin number two to work with me. Maybe I could get him approved as like a seeing eye dog. 

Wednesday, May 11, 2016


I've been out of town on a work trip the past few days. Which you would know if you have been subjected to my extraordinarily boring blog lately. You may recall yesterday I mentioned that I am on the verge of dying from a very gnarly cold of some sort. I suspect dementors. I know what your thinking; this will be the best blog she has ever written and it totally won't be about cats because she is on her death bed. False. Sorry to disappoint.... This photo sums up how I feel to a 'T,' and it has cats. 

Justin has been trying to be a dutiful fiancé because he gets weepy when I am not at home. He complains about having to order Carl's Junior, Los Betos, and family size portions from pasta places. Though I'm pretty sure it is like ninety thanksgiving feasts in a row when I leave (for him) because he eats his feelings sometimes. Exhibit A link

My throat has been so sore that we've been unable to talk over the phone. I've considered face timing him but it could get terribly confusing with him trying to interpret my facial expressions and charades. He'd probably be like "??? You want to go on a murder spree," and I'd be like, "no silly I want to go on a shopping spree." Just would be all sorts of messed up. So instead we text bitching about not being able to talk. It's been lame. However since there is a silver lining in everything so I'm going to say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I just made that up right here on the spot... But seriously can't wait to get home and have my bubble butt bake me a sympathy cake, pie, brownies and cookies. 

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

Baker Kitty

Occasionally I work in Baker City because women here have boobs too. I've been here the past few days missing Justin like crazy and feeling like crap. Somehow I got sick with the whole sore throat body aches thing. Last night I had to get up twice in the middle of the night to shower since I was so cold. It was 70 degrees in here too so I knew something was off. Then this morning there was a spider in my bathroom and I was like, "nooooooooo," because it was probably watching me shower last night. Fucking perv. 

Anyway you may recall from a couple blogs I wrote ages ago that stores in Baker sometimes have cats. I think all stores should indoctrinate this cat policy; it sure would alleviate animal shelter overpopulation. There is this one store in particular in Baker that has a cat I love to stalk. Without fail every time I visit I go see this cat. 

Today she was super pissy. I pet her and she was like, "raaawrrrmeow," and I was like "what the hell?" Then I walked around the store pretending to shop for like ten minutes while I tried to take photos of the cat.  Unfortunately kitty kept licking her own crotch because I'm pretty sure she knew what I was up to. So I only got a couple half way okay photos. 

I decided to pet the cat goodbye and she yelled at me again because I may or may not have interrupted her bath time. Then she bit me with her crotch breath and I was like... "Somebody seems angry. Do you want a hug?" And she yelled really loud and bit me again. So I left bitter in both the figurative way, and the my hand smells like cat vag kind of way. Thanks Baker City. Thanks a lot. 

Monday, May 9, 2016

Cat backpacking

So I saw this thing on Facebook the other day. I've had screen shots of the photos in my phone for too long so I decided to write something about it because I can't stop daydreaming about it. 

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. I need to see what the inside looks like but I'm assuming that it is much bigger than it looks, has food, water, and a liter box, possibly a scratching post and a chair for me to sit in while I pet my cat. 

Imagine the possibilities. We could go everywhere together. And possibly it is hypoallergenic, or at least that is what I'm writing because just maybe that will force Justin to get me a couple cats and a sporty new backpack to carry them around in. 

So obviously this cat looks super happy. I think I need to go to France and find one of these bad boys. I can even pick up a chapeau for my new cat and then life will be glorious. As if it could be anymore glorious than it already is. 

Friday, May 6, 2016

Bird is the Word

I have this friend who talks yoga with me. We are about equal in ability, and in thinking we can do poses we can't. She took the initiative to invite me to her Pinterest board just for work-out related things. I've kind of learned how to use it. She always finds these extraordinarily awesome poses and sequences. I always steal them. 

The other day she pinned this "bird of paradise," pose. It looks as cool as is sounds. 

Obviously I had to attempt this at once. If I can do a handstand for three seconds this ought to be cake. I sprang out of bed and set up my camera phone since I knew I'd nail the pose one my first take and wanted proof. 

I realized my camera angle was a bit off since I'm not one of those selfie takers. I had to set up the timer run and get in position... or as close to position as possible. 

It took a couple of goes. 

And a couple more. 

You'll note I'm dressed in my traditional garb here. Justin's basketball shorts and a sweatshirt. So handsome I am. 

Finally I almost got it. My foot looks like a hobbit's foot which is cool because obviously I totally want to live in the shire. I need to work on my standing leg. And me arms. And my other leg. Possibly the laundry and my photo taking skills. 

Anyway I had to share these because those individuals who post like 3-4 photos/videos of themselves per day uber serious about working out drive me nuts. So this was kind of cathartic in a sense because I slightly understand wanting to capture photos of hard work paying off every once in a great while. I wouldn't have normally posted this but it's a work of art and needed to be shared. Obviously I just broke the Internet. Or the Internet has just broken me. 

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Tye Die

Today I wore a new shirt. Justin hates when I shop sales because I'm like, 'cool I got this shirt for five bucks,' but it adds up. With shopping sales I wind up wearing earmuffs in July and bikinis in December because you have to purchase from the opposite of the season that's currently being advertised. I'm working on the shopping. Anyway I wore my new out-of-season long sleeved shirt in 84 degree temperatures today. I was just so excited and couldn't wait months to wear it even though it seems like every time I inhale a week passes.

So this fantastic shirt has all these ties and pulleys. I spent most of the morning at work trying to hitch them together in a fashionable manner. Apparently I missed the most crucial tie. The one around the waist. It has two strings which I think are to tie yourself to someone you don't want to leave you, or possibly to a tree you don't want chopped down because each string is like 2.5 feet long. 

So I was walking, and I left our private office area, and was out in the hall by where 1,000 people from IT and the call center are. I was walking down the hall wondering who the hell was touching my ass. I'd whip around and stare at my ass and nothing was there. Then I'd start walking again and it'd hit my ass again. Then I'd turn around like; "caught you mother fucker," but the son of a bitch was so stealthy they had already disappeared. Unless it was this one guy that was like ten paces back. I'm pretty sure he was more afraid of me than I was of him. 

Well hell if it wasn't the damn tie from my shirt. It was reaching up between my legs like a complete perv and slapping my ass. I was like... this never would have happened if I didn't buy clothes on sale. Justin is so right! 

My girlfriend found this cat video when I attempt to describe the incident I was having to her... I think this animal is my spirit animal. 

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Flashing Friends

Sometimes I get invited to friends' houses. It's usually a good time. Well at least for me it is. 

This past weekend I went to Jessica's house (I swear I have three different friends with the name Jessica it isn't the same person I keep talking about... although maybe they ARE all the same person and living a triple life to trick me). This Jessica I only met within the past year. She has a couple kids, a husband, a dog I want to kidnap, a dog I want to pet until it's fur falls off, and umpteen cats which I rarely catch glimpse of. I should make mention of this fantastic library she has complete with the kinds of books so old you get that high just from smelling them. *sigh. 

I went to Jessica's house (incidentally I simply must mention both sunburns I've gotten were from her house). Her older son (17) and his friend were both standing inside the door when I arrived. I enveloped myself in dogs to accept my warm welcome. I tried to shake hands with the boys between my tryst with the dogs. Then the one dog who I want to pet until it's fur fell off apparently decided that she wanted to pet me until my clothes fell off. She stuck her paw in the V of my v-neck shirt and pulled. And I was like; "hi boob."

 I almost died from embarrassment but fortunately Jessica is convinced that she is the only one that saw anything. Which is good because she sees boobs all day long when we work together so she is immune. Not that I flash her at work with my boobs or anything. 

Speaking of work I'll end with leaving this photo right here for you. 

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Hey Jeu's Guys

A friend of mine asked me to proof-read her college paper because let's face it; I am such a scholar and gentleman. The following conversation transpired. Let me preface by stating that my Spanish is very limited and I have no idea what we are saying to each other the majority of the time.

Jessica: Who is Amarillo? (referring to my computer's name which showed up as editing her paper)

Me:Amarillo from my understanding is the color yellow in Spanish. I didn't set up my lap top. If I had it would have been named Voldemort.

Jessica: All the Spanish I know is inappropriate. I know puta and cavrone.

Me: Isn't there a Puta Canta resort or something? I didn't know that was a bad word.

Jessica: I also know bedejo.

Me: Bedejo that must mean bedroom ejaculation.

Jessica: Kinda, Its like pussy   (not sure which word she is referring to)

Me: Punta Canta maybe that is it?

Jessica: Bendejo

Me: oh a bent ejaculation. Like has a bendy trajectory.

Jessica: juevos

Me: like Juevos ranchero? I don't know what that is but I thought it was food.

Jessica: it means balls so jeu's rancheros is eggs (balls) so a nut sack is referred to as jeu's as well context is important with this one. Pince me jeu's is not a nice request fyi.

Me: is Jeu's pronounced like Jews because I am going to have to be careful when I ask for juice or when I say, "hey jeus guys," like I do. People will be like balls guys?

Jessica: apparently my computer does not like the word juevos. I am glad no one can hear me right now.

Me: Slash read this horrible conversation. Or should I call it a ballsy conversation.

Jessica: You should tell Justin we had an entire conversation about balls

Me: He would probably not be surprised.

Monday, May 2, 2016


Remember that time like a million years ago where I burned some new socks onto my legs? I say a million years ago because as a smart, health-conscious individual I do not jeopardize the whole skin cancer business. 

So unfortunately since it has been SO long since my last sunburn I had a moment of dumb fuckery where I found myself sunburned again. I was wearing sunglasses so I look like... Well; I look... 

Yeah. No Bueno. Justin's taken to calling me Rudolph. I tried my hardest to remedy the situation by fashioning myself a wrap which only showed my eyes in an effort to match them to the rest of my face. I really wanted to buy a ski mask but after a few internet searches I realized only a certain demographic of people purchase ski masks at this time of year. I feared if I ordered one online the government would tap my online orders and reprimand me for all of the Harry Potter stuff I buy. So behold my work of art:

Justin chased me around the house for about ten minutes trying to get a piece. He claims he really likes how mysterious I look. I think he finally realized I'm more attractive when I have a paper bag or the like over my head. 

I'm in the market for a burka now. I feel like if I wore it around the house I could get Justin to do all the chores and quite possibly bake me cakes and pies. If I wear it in town and people try to be jerks I can say; "is it because I'm white?" And storm off. I've been getting kind of anxious lately and had this idea that maybe if I covered my face with my hair and wore glasses over it (think Cousin It) I could slide under the radar in public, but a burka may be a better option. I wonder if they make one with Voldemort on it.