Tuesday, March 31, 2015

You Shall Not Pass

I wrote this like a week ago:
I think Galdalf is living inside of me. Not just in a spirit animal kind of way but literally. I have been waiting and waiting for this kidney stone to pass and it simply refuses. The only logical explanation is that Gandalf is in my ureter screaming "You shall not pass!" to my kidney stone. 

Fast forward to today: 
I'm proud to announce I passed an 8mm kidney stone yesterday afternoon. It was quite a surprise considering that was 4 times bigger than I had been told it would be. Thank goodness that madness is over for now. The darn thing had a very sharp point on it (kind of reminds me of a weird shaped goat head) so it cut me like a hardened prisoner all the way out of my urinary system. But I won, dear kidney stone. I won. 

Hopefully I will get to discover the makeup of said stone and prevent them from ever occurring ever again. For now (until I visit my urologist) I shall carry it around in my purse and brandish it at anyone who threatens me. Or perhaps I will put it under my pillow and see if the kidney stone fairy comes. Here is what I think he looks like:

Finally I'm not a doctor and this in no way constitutes as medical advice but i'd like to share how I passed my stone. The evening prior to my passing it I drank hot water with a table spoon of apple cider vinegar and lemon. Worked like a charm I guess... That or it was a coincidence. 

Friday, March 27, 2015

I Like to Poop at Home too Chris Brown

Sometimes, I think because I am deaf in one ear, I have trouble with properly interpreting lyrics in songs. Often years later I discover the true words intended for songs I had misunderstood for half my life. With the vast inter webs now I can typically remedy any confusion I have by Googling lyrics. 

There has been this new song called "Ayo," which I have been obsessed with. It's a rap song. Today I watched the video. It starts with Chris Brown taking a selfie in front of a pool that he is dumping money into. Next it cuts to Tyga and he sends a photo of a big gold toilet then the song commences. 

I swear it said: "I'm a bitchy ass n$@#~ I like to poop at home." It seemed fitting since they were sending photos of toilets but I couldn't fathom why they would call themselves bitchy ass. Plus who doesn't prefer to poop at home? Anyway turns out I was totally wrong. I'm not sure if my misunderstanding of this song or Justin's of "black widow" was worse but at least we are two peas in a pod. 


Sometimes Justin gets jealous. Remember the umbrella from Christmas?

Today I took a friend some birthday balloons (so many birthdays in March by the way. Most of my favorite people were born this month; sister, both of my best friends, Justin's dad, Justin's close family friend who I adore, and one of my favorite Aunts) anyway I found this gem at the store. 

He was so big I had to buckle him in to prevent him from flying away. I got several strange stares while I was at stoplights but it was totally awesome having a co-pilot. 

I know how much Justin adores Olaf so I couldn't not get him something (thats right-I just typed a double negative). Justin likes Taz a lot so this is what I picked up for him and he was thrilled :)
I swear balloons (the non-latex kind) are amazing to receive. It's like a little reminder of childhood. 

You Big Weenie

Today I spent some time with one of my best friends since doth it is her birthday tomorrow! 

This particular friend loves wieners... Not the phallic kind but the kind you can pet, and hug, and that will retrieve a ball if you throw it. Check out the awesome end product from the birthday gift I got her. 

It's an ice cube :)

After that fun business we took a ride to her new house which is under construction. Someone in the neighborhood must have gotten the memo that she loves wieners, but they mixed the message up because they carved this into the wet concrete

She wants to keep it since it would be a very nice welcome for guests as they walk up to the front door of her new case however her man wants to file it down. Sad day. But it will forever be preserved in its excellence and all its glory on my humble little blog. 


Justin and I have been trying to be more proactive with finding couples we can double date with. We try to be on our best behavior when we are out on the town however our best behavior isn't that great.

One of our mutual friends landed a girlfriend some time ago which we were pretty excited about. Unfortunately since we moved out to the country (my nice way of describing our hour commute to the city) we haven't seen much of anyone. We were at the drive thru at a local to us coffee shop a few weeks back after a hot yoga class (before tragedy struck with my kidney stone) when we recognized the barista.

Justin: Isn't that...???

Me: Our friend's girlfriend???

Justin: Yes that is what I was going to say. We have been here like 100 times and seen her like 50 times so how have we not figured that out?

Me: I have only ever seen her on Facebook; you met her in person.

Justin: I only met her one time! Should we tell her we know who she is?

Me: If I wasn't topless I might agree to that
*note- after hot yoga I am obviously drenched in sweat so putting a shirt on it out of the question

Justin: She won't notice; maybe we can finally go on a double date from the Super Bowl bet we made two years ago.

Me: Yeah we will be like 'Hey remember us? Oh you want to know why I don't have a shirt on and why we stink really bad and are drenched in sweat? Never you mind about that sister; let's schedule a double date. In fact why don't we go right now? I'll let you smell my feet!'

Then she would totally go home to her man and be like; 'Hey boyfriend can you tell your weird and unusually sweaty friends not to come through the coffee shop drive thru anymore because we have a no shirt, no shoes, no service policy and Justin's girlfriend was totally breaking the rules. PS Let's never go on a double date with them because they stink.'

We didn't alert the barista to the fact that we knew who she was. Then Justin didn't tip her and it pretty much solidified why we have slim pickin's for double date candidates in our lives.  

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Closing the Curtains

Today was one of those uber hectic days at the office. My morning was pretty great. I successfully drove to work which in and of itself is amazeballs because you may recall the issue I was having with driving. I find that each time I drive I am able to go a little bit farther. This is good news since I am 7.5 weeks into the start of that whole mess. Hopefully it will completely be resolved in no time. My evil kidney stone is still camping out in my ureter however despite my best rain dances and voodoo to make it come out. Bastard.

Anyway like I was saying today was quite hectic at the office. Yesterday my iPhone experienced the blue screen of death so I attempted to visit AT&T after work today so I could pick up a replacement phone. Apparently AT&T does not handle those requests; Apple must take care of it directly. I was a little irritated at this point but I proceeded to the store to grab the one item I needed before heading home for the day.

I stood at the end of a very long line and was affronted with the woman in front of mes ass cheek and what may have possibly been a vaginal lip hanging out of her cutoff jean shorts from 1979. I argued mentally for the entire time I was standing in line about whether or not I should tell her about what she looked like from behind. I eventually decided that it was not my place to tell her. I definitely like to be made aware of flaws on my person when I am in public to save me from embarrassment later on however if someone told me my crotch was hanging out I would probably be mortified so I figure some things are better left unsaid. Ignorance is bliss after all, or so they say. Besides maybe she could feel her beef curtain (or possible ass roll) blowing in the wind, and wanted it that way. Who am I to deprive her of this?
This would probably be my face if someone told me my beef curtain was out

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Feeling Stoned

Remember when I was complaining about that weird phenomenon that was experiencing where I couldn't drive and was dizzy all the time? I have been dealing with that business for seven weeks now and it has been a big pain in the butt however now I have an even bigger problem; a kidney stone dun dun duuuuun. 

I probably shouldn't complain because the last time I complained about a medical problem I suddenly came down with a worse condition. So my next blog will probably say that I have spontaneously turned into a robot.

I blame all of this hoopla on the fact that I made New Year's Resolutions. I swear whenever I say I'm going to accomplish something the universe throws lots of curveballs my way to impede me. 

Anyway Justin has enjoyed accompanying me on three trips to the emergency room over the past week where I vomit and thrash around crying in pain. I'll spare you the rest of the sob story. 2015 has been one for the books. With any luck this will all end and I can get my life back ASAP. 

Sunday, March 15, 2015

I wrote this nearly a month ago...

Friday the thirteenth... the day before Valentine's Day. I had some rather risqué photos done because it is what most women do for their significant others. 

What I'm about to show you is a little saucy. In fact get ready to see me the most naked I have ever been in any photo. 

Yeah that's right I'm watching you my blog readers. Ps my eyes aren't really that disproportional in size I'm just angled weird in the scanner thing. Or I guess we can pretend my eyes are that mismatched and perhaps they will consider me to play Sloth in the new "Goonies," movie. 

In all seriousness my brain scan is fine. However something peculiar is going on. We are pretty sure it is a nerve virus which should be done with in a few more weeks-months from now. Basically I just have to have Justin drive me around everywhere and I can't watch action movies because the motion is bothersome. 

I like to pretend like it isn't a big deal but honestly I have been going nuts not having driven since February. Hopefully I'm in the final stretch of this now however. If it goes on for much longer we may have to get one of these bikes so we can ride around in better style. 

Saturday, March 14, 2015

Focus on That

Today Justin and I went to see a movie ("Focus") with his parents to continue the celebratory festivities in honor of his dad's birthday last week. 

When we arrived at the theater Justin's parents beat us inside the building because Justin doesn't know how to park, and was busy getting his purse and his phone. His mom proceeded to the person behind that bullet proof glass stuff to get the tickets. 

Suddenly Justin came barreling into the facility screaming "NO! Somebody stop that woman!!!" It was like all the people in the movie theater got two shows for the price of one because Justin was acting like The Rock trying to save some damsel in distress. Then all the employees were like see this is why we have bullet proof glass in this place. You just never know what kind of customer you're going to get. 

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Nesting in the Dungeon

I have been training in a dungeon-like, windowless basement room of one of the main hospitals for my job over the past few days. It has been interesting to put it nicely. I think the room we are in used to be a storage closet because it is so small. 

I have the luck of sitting by the one hospital employee who still smokes. I'm pretty sure we don't hire smokers but I must be wrong. Aside from the stank I must say she is highly irritating. One of those ask 1,000,001 questions types. Not the Hermione Granger kind either. Ugh. I can tell you that Michael from "The Office," really was on to something when he said:

The lack of vitamin D must really be getting to me. I did find a quiet spot to enjoy my quick breaks and my lunch. It was on the third floor at the end of an empty corridor. Someone had the brilliance of setting up a few chairs right where the afternoon sun shines through. This afternoon I found maintenance men wheeling away all the furniture. I tried to tell them they were stealing my quiet spot but they told me it was upper managements problem. I think perhaps someone watched me eat lunch like an angry wolverine and thusly had to make an executive decision to destroy my nest before I came back. That or it was the hieroglyphics I drew on the wall in my nook. Jerks. 

All in all I do love my actual job however this training business feels endless. Thankfully I only have one more day of it than I'll be able to return to the real world. And with any luck my visits to this particular hospital location will be very minimal. 

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Every Boobies Working For The Weekend

So I have an exciting announcement. I'm officially a working woman. I may have already announced that I snagged a job. If I have I apologize for my anticlimactic post. 

I am super excited to be working with boobs. Checking them out...and in to be precise. I'll be working with a breast care center that is all over Idaho and Oregon. There are several different offices that I get to rotate between constantly so things will never be boring. I even get to travel on the mobile unit in the summer to service rural areas with mammograms.

I'm just wrapping up week one of training. So far so good. Tomorrow after my last shift of the week one of my best friends is coming up to visit from Utah so all in all it has been a pretty darn good week :) 

In honor of the working class (myself included) I present "garbage men taking a break," as found on Reddit. I wish I had swings by my work. Of course then is never work... 

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Monsters Illustrated

You know that whole dress business that blew up social media? I'm wasn't planning on bringing that up since the whole thing was pointless really; however Justin had a strange phenomenon occur today involving an optical illusion. For me it really pointed back to the blue/black -white/gold dress business. 

Justin: Have you seen the new "Sports Illustrated" magazine cover?

Me: Yes the one with her pants pulled down?

Justin: No she isn't wearing pants it is the swimsuit edition. 

Me: Swimsuit bottoms, pants, potato, pot-ah-to what's the difference?

Justin: Anyway she looks like a monster from far away and it is really scary. 

Me: ... What?

Justin: Haven't you noticed it? It was so creepy in the store today. Maybe it is a joke edition. 

Me: I don't think so?

Justin has been mentioning that he needs new contacts but I think he should keep the kind that make half naked model women appear monstrous. He literally searched online to see if he could determine if a fake edition of "Sports Illustrated" had been distributed. Of course he came up empty handed :) I like to think his undying, worship the ground I walk on, love for me is the culprit of the optical illusion he witnessed.