Tuesday, April 29, 2014

More Issues than a Box of Tissues

Justin, bless his heart, had to sleep on the couch the last couple of evenings because I have been a bit under the weather I guess you could say… more on that later. 

I have been taking some medication to get me through my little rough patch and it has totally been messing with my mind. A couple nights ago I was dreaming that I was wearing a coon skin hat and roll playing Mario in a Nintendo game. It was really odd-part of the time I was frantically trying to avoid those turtle enemy things in the game, alternatively when I wasn’t “physically” Mario I was shaking the bejezus out of a “controller” to get Mario to do what I needed him to. Needless to say when I awoke I was only slightly disturbed at my antics- given that this was on the shallow end of crazy things I do in my sleep. 

Last night I awoke to find myself eating saltines. I closed the box, put it on Justin’s vacant side of the bed, then rolled over and fell back to sleep. The next time I awoke I was chewing on a Kleenex while cradling the box of saltines. Not to worry; no slatines were smashed in the process of whatever charade it was that I was partaking in... Also I am unsure how many tissues I ate but I am pretty sure those things don't have any calories so I should be good to go there.

In all seriousness; I am happy to report that I am finally starting to feel a bit better. 
"Hey Gurl, you wanna pet my coon skin?"

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Kill Me If You Can James Patterson

For the past few weeks my life has turned into a sort of James Patterson novel; literally. Justin has developed this obsession with reading that man’s books. If I opened a drawer-there was the cover of one of James Patterson’s books staring up at me as though I had found it doing something wrong. Our coffee table was never without a half a dozen of his novels. The backseat of Justin’s car; littered with James Patterson, James Patterson JAMES PATTERSON.  Wikipedia alleges that there have been more than 300 million of his novels sold; I allege that Justin has purchased them all. 

Finally Justin brought home a book shelf and it is slowly filling up.  At least I can tolerate all the books being in one location rather than spread about the apartment’s nooks and crannies. I am planning on sneaking some of my books on there; like Harry Potter and The Lord of the Rings series. We shall see if I can get away with it.

Like a kid in a candy store. In all seriousness I am happy that he chooses to read to keep himself entertained; rather than getting a hooker, smoking crack or any of the like.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Not a Real Post (more of an "I'm feeling guilty" and nude photo of Justin kind of post

I am a terrible girlfriend. Tonight I was manhandling Justin when something tragic happened; he slipped and fell into the bathtub while attempting to avoid the wrath of me. He went down like a 99 year old woman who was about to break her hip. Fortunately he just has a humongous bruise forming with some big scratches (from when I swiped him with my wolverine claws on the way down I mean.... When his side hit the water faucets. 

Moral of the story: if I am trying to spank you just focus on a point on the wall and let it happen, because sometimes my animal instincts get the best of me. 

Friday, April 18, 2014

Because I'm a Disney Princess Too

Justin and I were supposed to go on a date night tonight to watch "The Grand Budapest Hotel." Unfortunately I'm feeling slightly under the weather so I bargained him down to a walk and trip to Hastings to rent DVDs. 

We live steps away from the Boise Greenbelt. For those of you who don't know that is this super long path that is quite scenic at times. We saw these two ducks trying to hump in midair then the male took a nose dive. 

He stood there quacking so I attempted to run after him. He ran down this little dirt path and I excidely determined that he must be leading me to my very own cottage; you know fit for a Disney Princess. I was laughing and trying my damnedest to keep up with the bastard as he cast strange looks at me over his shoulder and waddled hurriedly towards my cottage where there would of course be like twenty more ducks who could all talk in human language rather than in loud quacks as I am chasing them. 

Unfortunately my journey was truncated as he hopped in a particularly rapid-y part of the river. I think he was trying to tell me that my cottage was on the little island only a few yards downstream but I wasn't wearing a swim suit so I told the duck I couldn't go to my cottage. He totally understood. 

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Keep on Truckin'

So my truck broke down again. It is being like a bitchy teenager and only starting when it wants to. I visited with an old friend while he worked his magic over the weekend. It was determined that it was my truck's relay switch which makes sense since it is all super self-centered and would never pass the baton in a relay race. Consequentially I have this to start the vehicle now.

feeel the power

Pretty high tech if you ask me. Also turns out my truck really likes Diet Coke because we poured some on the battery to clean off the battery acid. I guess I can appreciate that. Even though I only have a Diet Coke about once every three to six months it is the only soda that I drink.

Hopefully this weekend we can actually get a new relay and have it installed. But of course there are some other things that need to be dealt with so we shall see.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Up in Arms

I have acquired this really strange new way of waking up in the morning. I am not sure what happens but at some point I shift onto my right arm in a way that causes it to go to sleep. Once it gets to a degree I wake up in a frenzy and immediately start shaking the living daylights out of it.

The first day this happened I woke up and had no feeling whatsoever when I touched my arm because it was so asleep. Also I was unable to move my arm on its own. Naturally I freaked the hell out and furiously began shaking my asleep right arm by holding it in my awake left arm and moving it every which way. My arm began to have that weird effect, you know where it looks like rubber. This was cause for more concern so I quickly sprung out of bed and started body slamming into the wall. Of course this was the most rational thing to do, because if my arm had in fact been trying to kill me, I needed to kill it first. Fortunately within about a minute and a half the tingling subsided and I regained control of my right arm again.

Me and my arm (except I wasn't wearing glasses) Photo Credit: Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
The past two days the same thing has happened with the exception of body slamming because that hurt like a bitch. I am not sure what is going on, all I can venture to guess is that perhaps my internal alarm clock has gone haywire. Perhaps if this business persists I can get a robot arm. Then I can be like go go gadget arm and pick up some cake from Whole Foods without ever even moving my hefty garbage bagg-ed ass. Win-win. 

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Hefty Lady Humps

This strange phenomenon seems to occur during the fall/winter. Each year when spring rolls around, and the temperature gets warm enough to throw on a pair of shorts I open my dresser drawer to find disappointment staring me in the face.

"Boy.. These look pretty small," I think as I shove one ham-bone of a leg into the size zero shorts I could pull off without unbuttoning last year.

This year I would like to blame that thirty day of squats business for my trouble. I know I eat a lot of cake but that couldn't possibly be the reason for my ten pound-ish weight gain. All those Red Bull's I drink? No, not a chance... Did somebody say cookies? When I did the squat challenge I noticed that my legs were much stronger, however they literally doubled in size! Okay not literally but seriously I could see the difference in their girth, talk about thunder thighs. I know that muscle weighs more than fat and on and on but I feel like I need to fashion a 20 gallon hefty garbage bag into some Hammer pants in order to leave the house, since I have practically nothing to fit my bunz of whale.

I called one of my girl friend's to bitch about this circumstance, and she assured me that I am vastly misinformed. Obviously what happened was that my shorts shrunk while they were hibernating for winter. You see this makes sense; since they were not exposed to sunlight or nutrition of any kind. I am sure in no time they will be able to take on the daunting task of squeezing my ass into them.

Until then, if you hear strange noises coming from the trash bag isle in the supermarket; you'll know why...

Wednesday, April 9, 2014


I was sitting in class this evening daydreaming about summer. I couldn't help but notice the girl who sits a row in front of me playing with her feet. She often does this during class and it drives me nuts. She puts her fingers between her toes and then touches her face and hair etc. She was really going at it today for several minutes. Finally all that toe business made her hungry so she reached down and grabbed a bag of Cheetos. I sat in awe as she would repeatedly reach into the bag, eat a handful of the puffs then lick the very fingers that she had been putting between her bare toes. I wondered why it was that she just didn't save herself the trouble and use her foot as a hand...

"Miss. Cheetos" has a friend who sits in the row in front of her. He turned around during our break and they chatted for a minute or so before I heard her offer him a dirty foot-germ contaminated Cheeto. When he accepted I must have turned 50 shades of grey except not in the sexual/spanking way; more like in the amused, yet disgusted, yet wanting to laugh and vomit at the same time kind of way. I shuddered as he took a Cheeto from her hand and put it in his mouth.

My face when he ate the Cheeto. Photo Credit: veryhilarious.com

I will NEVER accept food from a stranger ever again unless I know that feet haven't been involved. This gives a whole new meaning to "cheesy" for me too.. uggh her toe jam probably livened up the sharp cheddar taste I vaguely recall from the last Cheeto I ate ohh... five years or so ago. Gross!

Okay so this cat is pretty darn cute, and makes me feel slightly less grossed-out. I hope it does the same for you.           Photo Credit: Really weird thread about Niki Minaj

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Owl Be All Right

This has been me lately when I come home.

Photo Credit: I can't remember where I found this!

I have been so busy that when I come home that is pretty much all that I do. I have lost motivation to do homework, and often wait until the last minute to start. Which is bound to get me in trouble... but will probably keep happening. I am counting down the days (37) until the end of the semester; of course I suppose that hasn't changed since I have been doing that since the beginning.

A couple of quick updates: for my trip back to New Hampshire, and New York this summer my uncle (who lives in Oregon) will be coming along. I am ecstatic about this since he and my father (his brother) have not seen each other in ages. Yay.

Also I have been volunteering in the hospital holding premature babies (in addition to the chemo room and front desk). What an experience that has been. I will say it is very hard to let go of the little ones who don't make it. Very hard. It is the strangest thing... I have felt more connected to those tiny little people than most others as of late. I think I am just on overload as I am pressing through this last 6 week push. But the end is near, :) and I will get there in no time.

PS I must remind you that the second installment of "The Hobbit" releases on DVD this evening. I may or may not watch it and put off homework there is no telling really :)

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Lord of the Ring Worms

I have been a regular at yoga, the six a.m. class I might add, as of late. I can say that because I have attended class two of the last three days at that hour. Ya I know, I am so ambitious. Naturally I have been waking up periodically throughout the night (prior to class) and thinking ‘oh shit, it’s time to go!’ Despite the fact that it is 2,3, or 4 in the morning. Last night my eyes snapped open at 2:31 a.m. and I thought initially that this was just another premature excitement over the imminent yoga that was in my future. Suddenly my hand was on fire and I was like OMG am I wearing the one ring that ruled them all? My diabolical plan to take over the universe just got easier. But sadly; once I became coherent I realized that the only ring on my finger was that which closely resembled ring worm.  

Photo Credit: LOTR wiki

A few weeks ago I got bitten by something (probably a spider but don’t tell me that because I am deathly afraid of spiders). I was volunteering that day and noticed two bright red bumps on my ring finger. Upon closer examination I saw two little fang marks, so this means that it probably was a spider or an extra asshole-y bug that decided to bite me two times. The bite radiated heat all day and itched. Within 24 hours the swelling was down and I had forgotten all about it, until this morning when I was awoken by severe itching. 

As I stated above a ring of red-ish blisters was burning and itching. I thought that there was no way I could contract ring worm because number 1.) I love worms and am an advocate for their species. I often save a half a dozen lives in the course of a rainy day as I move them off walk ways, and into the safety of the grass, and number 2.) I have not even been around anyone with ring worm lately.  I got up with the sun and headed over to Primary Health. I talked to the doc in the box for a few minutes and he kept telling me that it was not ring worm but he wanted to test it anyway since it was in a peculiar, perfectly circle shape. For an agonizing twenty or so minutes I waited for him to come back and confirm my suspicions. 
photo credit: google

Finally he came in and told me the ring worm test was negative. I was overjoyed. Next he asked me if my butthole, vagina, hands and armpits have been sweating a lot. I blankly started for a few moments than answered, “No?” He proceeded to tell me about the apocrine sweat glands and their functions. He told me that some people have overactive glands and as a consequence develop pit stains, and this particular type of eczema called dyshidrosis. I tried to assure him that those places do not sweat unless I am working out but he told me I must be mistaken, or maybe I have developed super sensitive skin. I kept telling him that I did not have pit stains, or butt sweat stains but he just looked at me coyly. Long story short, he prescribed a topical cream and sent me on my merry way. He told me to come back if the condition did not get better in a week. If that is the case it could be something regarding the bug bite. 

When I got in my car I checked for pit stains and saw none despite my quick exit this morning and neglect to put on deodorant. There was not one drop of sweat. Of course perhaps my perception is flawed because according to the dude that saw me I am one sweaty rapscallion. Maybe I have such sweaty hands that I can’t feel my pits perspiring. When I got home I looked at my butt in the mirror and did not see any hint of a sweat stain there either. Again since I am such a sweaty bastard I may not be a reliable judge of this fact. 

I am going to hope that this is the result of “sensitive skin,” and that it goes away within a week. If it does not go in a week, I had better not be one of those weird cases where spiders lay eggs under the skin and then they blister and hatch… UGH.