Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Boring Doctor Business...

So as I promised, I am going to reveal to you the details behind my surgery that was had on Christmas Eve. Since this summer I have been peeing blood. Not the period kind, some other weird kind. I had to get a procedure done to check shiz out. Everyone thought I had a tumor or something crazy going on so I remained silent until I knew that everything was okay. Long story short, my bladder is super sensitive, and I will pee blood for the rest of my life. I think it is trying to attract a vampire because my bladder is super weird, kind of bitchy, and dull like Bella Swan.
Pretty much what the doctor saw... photo credit:http://www.fanpop.com/clubs/bella-swan/articles/175483/title/fave-bella-quotes-from-eclipse-book
Anyway I wrote the following a few months ago regarding one of my appointments. It pretty much explains everything. Beware, lots of penises are involved.

After a 45 minute commute I arrived to my appointment. When I checked in only one other person was in the waiting room, a 70-ish year old man. I filled out my paperwork when soon another patient arrived. He too was an older gentleman. He asked me if I was there to get my prostate checked. I chuckled and continued on my merry way of filling out the paperwork, trying my damndest to get the vision of a butthole out of my mind’s eye. In approximately 30 minutes (yes I had to wait that long) six other old men came. I was certainly the minority.

Finally I was called back and led into an exam room that was filled with penises. Models, and posters, and photos, oh my! I also could not help but notice how low the exam tables were. I am sure this was to accommodate for the men getting their prostates checked… As much as gynecological exams are uncomfortable I must admit; it would be tough to be a man at times.

As I sat in the room I felt somewhat intimidated as all the one eyed monsters stared me down. I also felt like I was in a Clockwork Orange type of scenario with nowhere to avert my eyes. It was then that I discovered this photograph.
Fortunately it captivated me for some time. I was attempting to determine what message the urologist was trying to convey with it. The buttholes all seem to be pretty puckered if you ask me. Sends a: “whatever you do, do not unclench your muscles” kind of a message. Anyway, after about ten minutes of over analyzing the photograph my eyes wandered to a penis poster. Unfortunately I was intently staring at this when the doctor came in. In my defense I was trying to determine if I had a BPH prostate disorder. All the symptoms sounded like me… I was just missing a prostate. But hey, with all that testosterone I have been taking I should have one in no time.

The appointment went as well as it could have. I refrained from asking if I could take a souvenir from the exam room. There were so many penises to choose from. I felt like I needed some kind of token to commemorate my visit.
This was the only photo I was brave enough to capture. What in the hell is that white thing by the way???

I visited an asshole urologist a few months ago where I learned I would need to have a cystoscopy done. Essentially the procedure consists of sticking a lighted tube of death up your pee hole, which they twist and turn and examine the inside of the bladder. Next they pump it full of water to blow it up so they can see things better (and torture the patient more). This procedure is typically done while the patient is awake. I will spare the gory details as to why I hate anything going in my pee hole… I just do.

The asshole urologist I had the displeasure of meeting did not give a shit that I have had terrible experiences that have led me to be rather shy and sensitive when it comes to my pee hole. I tried to explain why I did not want to be awake during the procedure. She could have cared less. Actually she found my distress comical and in fact laughed as I sat there and cried in her office at the fear I was experiencing at the prospect of the procedure. She told me she only sedates patients who are 14 and younger because she doesn’t want them to be scarred for life…

I scheduled the appointment despite my fear. Two days prior to the procedure I called and cancelled. I did explain to the office manager why I was hesitating. I was sure to voice how I felt about Dr. Asshole and the fact that she should not treat every patient the same… some of us have a history. Some of us have emotions. We are not all perfect textbook patients. The office manager offered to have me see another physician in the office but I refused. My perception of that office was permanently sullied.

My OBGYN referred me to this older male urologist. She, knowing me as a patient, wrote a referral detailing my history and what I was looking for. I scheduled the consultation appointment expecting the worst but hoping for the best. So on the eve of Christmas my procedure will be had. I will be under general anesthetic thank goodness.

Sears is for Tools

I spent the better part of yesterday at the mall waiting for the oil to be changed in my truck. I kept wishing that there was an oil changing place somewhere next to a place to go shopping so I could kill two birds with one stone, and finally I recalled that Sears has an automotive section. I excitedly dropped off my vehicle and was told in fifteen to twenty minutes it would be ready. I raced around to the two shops I needed to visit, and grabbed what I needed. I arrived just as the clock ticked to the twentieth minute, only to discover the guilty looking face of the cashier.

I'm sorry only twenty to thirty more minutes, oh I am sorry we got short staffed we haven't started it yet come back in thirty minutes, well everyone went to lunch it should be ready in forty five minutes finally after over two hours the damn thing was ready. Never again Sears, never again. I did make a trip to Wetzel's Pretzels for a butter-free plain pretzel. I have been craving one ever since my dream. I confirmed how they make pretzels, and it is not by filling plastic tubes with dough and shaking the shit out of them... though you all probably were well aware of this fact. Anyway towards the tail end of my excursion I sat in the tools section of Sears since there was not a waiting area in automotive. They played quite the mix of music everything from Vanessa Carlton "A Thousand Miles" (to which a brute man was singing as he was closely examining a tool box I might add) to Hunter Hayes "Wanted." I would have thought they would play something a bit more manly...

The Eve of a New Year

Well the hustle and bustle of the holidays is nearly over. Tomorrow marks the beginning of a New Year. Whilst most will be making New Year's Resolutions; save more money, eat less fat, exercise more, on and on I will most likely be rolling out of bed as I would any other morning trying as I might to find the toaster through a sleepy gaze. I have never been one for resolutions. If you are, more power to you. My making a resolution is more like cementing something in stone which I will do everything in my power to avoid. There was the year that I vowed to not eat chocolate. By day two you could find me huddled in the corner with a value bag of Kit Kats (pre-vegan days). Then there was that time I resolved to lose five pounds and gained forty (in my defense it was the steroids). Maybe that complete and utter avoidance of resolutions is the small fragment of hipster in me... trying to step away from one of the 'things' our society does.

2013 was certainly a trying year for me... I could go on an on about the events that transpired but I will save my sob stories for another day. The important thing is that I learned who I can truly count on, what really matters, and simply that life happens. When we are waiting anxiously for each facet to unfold, and when we least expect it. I guess that what makes life, life. It goes on whether we intend it to, or not.

So cheers to 2014. Cheers to hitting the refresh button and starting anew.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Hard and Soft Pretzles

I had this dream last night that Boise State University enlisted my help to make soft pretzels for all of the fans at the football game. I was shown to a humble little kitchen which contained several butter tub looking containers filled with pretzel mix. I stuffed these plastic cylinders, approximately the size of soda cans, full of the batter and sealed them. Next the real fun began. I would shake the living daylights out of them, and the soda can began to stretch into this long tube. I would then tie these much like balloon animals and move on to the next.

Being that I had to make several hundred of these there was a lot of shaking motion which reminded me of that of the shake weight. When I woke up this morning Justin was about to get in the shower. I was amused, and slightly worried that I had molested him in my sleep so I revealed my dream to him. He laughed it off and went to get in the shower while I drifted back off to catch a few more lingering z's on this fine Sunday morning.

I awoke a second time to Justin tugging at something in my clutch. "I am going to need these," he said. I had none other than his underpants. I suspect foul play. 

Kristen Wigg with Shake Weights...

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Boring Recap of Some Gifts I Gave This Year for Christmas

Another Christmas has come and gone. I hope everyone enjoyed time with family and friends whilst celebrating the holidays. I have been spending the last couple of days recuperating from a minor surgery which was had on the eve of Christmas. More details on that later; when I am feeling better (not a big deal).

I regaled a story regarding a gift from Christmas past a few weeks ago. It is no secret that I have always thoroughly enjoyed giving gifts no matter how dorky the gifts I choose to give are. I wanted to share a few of my favorite gifts that I gave this year. Now that Christmas has passed, and with the exception of a few stragglers everyone has received their gifts. 

I have always enjoyed hand making gifts. I have never really been the artistic sort but I like to try to step outside of the box and put a little “me” into the gifts I do give. I have a family member who very much likes "The Wizard of Oz." I thought long and hard about what to get this person. I certainly wanted something that was different. I started brainstorming ideas, and then began to search around on Etsy.com. In no time I had come up with an alteration to my original idea that seemed doable. I like to think that I was the first person to come up with this sort of idea, but I wasn't. And what I found on Etsy was far better than what my mind had initially conjured.

Behold The Wicked Witch of the East bookmark

This was before I had added a few finishing touches which took away from the fact that these legs both look like left legs/feet. My final product was a bit better but I neglected to snap a photo.

I fashioned the legs and shoes from clay. I felt so odd doing this, like some sort of strange foot fetish person. I molded and molded until I felt the stumps looked somewhat human. I then cut a few slits in the top of the legs for the bookmark part to be inserted. Next I baked the legs, waited for them to cool, then painted them with acrylics. I finished up by gluing glitter on for the shoes and gluing the bookmark in place. 

Next I present to you... The turtle brigade.
I hand painted all of the bastards, took forever...

With all of the extra clay I had purchased from the bookmark I began manufacturing turtles. One of my best friends loves turtles so I made hers first. I was so delighted with how it turned out that I wound up making a few extras to give as gifts also. They are pretty small, about the circumference of a penny I suppose. Feeling adventurous??? See the video below, which I used to teach me how to make the turtle. I just used white clay however and painted it after it baked. 

A couple of elephant paintings for my cousin's twin girls :)
The canvases are like two and a 2.5"x2.5" so even with the easels they only stand a few inches tall
Finally, I wanted to share that I found an original 1983 version of the Care Bear from my story a few weeks back that I mentioned above. I purchased him off eBay. He is being shipped from the UK as we speak. Unfortunately he did not make it here in time for the holidays, but I am quite sure my sister will be thrilled to receive him.

At long last... To make up for all those years ago!
Anyway... Making home made gifts is kind of embarrassing and things do not always turn out the way that I expect them to. I always think about that episode of "The Office" where Michael is getting ready to leave with Holly and he gives everyone a goodbye gift. He makes this scarecrow thing for Oscar and then laughs at how shitty it is. I guess sometimes that is how I feel lol :)

Monday, December 23, 2013

It's a Wonderful Life...

I was feeling pretty stressed today after this weekend. Throw in the fact that Christmas is right around the corner, all of the preparation that comes in store with that, and I am one stressed lady. I started making sugar cookies from the dough which has been cooling in the fridge since last night but I got super pissed and ate crumpled up the few gingerbread man shaped dough masses I managed to get. 

Justin got home and in about ten minutes flat he had two cookie sheets full of perfectly shaped gingerbread men. I tried to move one on the pan and its head ripped off. I guess I am just not cut out for the whole Christmas cookie scene. The manufacturing part anyway. They probably all realize that I am their enemy anyway because I could devour both of those pans in about five seconds flat.

In an attempt to de-stress I decided to take a bath and stare up into the new skylight that is over the bathtub.

I think I see the the "Big Dipper"

I enjoyed some cranberry juice in lieu of wine while I ate the gingerbread man carnage that I had smuggled into the bathroom. It helped a little.

I'm Gonna Be BFFs With Serena Williams... for the Children

I went to volunteer at the hospital this morning as I do every Monday. My shift was the best I ever had. So many people dropped off toys for the pediatrics kids for Christmas it was very heart warming.

When my shift was over I returned home to deal with the ceiling falling situation. I had discovered something that resembled mold the other night in the hole, the maintenance man sprayed it and supposedly we are now waiting for it to dry. I had to air out my apartment since the fumes were so toxic and I did not really want to turn into some kind of weird radio active creature...

I talked to the landlord and fortunately my lease is up in January (end of the month). She gave me a form to submit my thirty day notice so I will be doing that. After dealing with that nonsense for a million years I started looking for a new place. I e-mailed a few prospective apartments, and now I am going to go live with Serena Williams. She wants me to donate some money to her cause ("for saving the less privilege child with HIV/AIDS in Africa") Since I feel bad for the "less privilege child" I am sure that Serena will teach me how to be a pro tennis star, and give me clothes from her fashion line... and if I am lucky enough perhaps she can groom me to pose as her twin sister Venus. 

In all seriousness I am considering fucking with this person and responding

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Teatering on the Verge of Tumors

I have a friend who is going through a bit of a rough patch. I love this friend dearly. Today we were having a very serious conversation over the phone since our plans to get together today were cancelled owing to a massive snow storm, and a caved in bathroom ceiling. Justin was sitting in bed by me, and I was feeling particularly sad so I reached over and started to pat his arm in an effort to comfort myself. But comforted- I was not. I noticed that there was a strange nodule type structure protruding from his arm.

I was not looking at what my hand was doing because I was so involved in the conversation I was having. I continued to poke and prod at this tumor-like mass which felt like a fast-growing, angry kind of cancer. I was becoming increasingly concerned at this lump thing I was feeling through the shirt on his arm. I finally glanced over and he had the biggest grin on his face because apparently I had been fondling his teat. Crisis averted. Well… he doesn’t have a tumor but his right nipple was certainly rock-hard for a few minutes after all the excitement it experienced. And yes I almost forgot to clarify that his right nipple is indeed on his chest, I simply was mistaking his breast for his arm because I am ridiculous. 

In other news... I saw someone post this quote that was meaningful to me on FB. I copied it and posted it to my friend D's page. I will just let you see where that conversation went. 

I found the butterfly on Google, I can't take credit for making him. I covered up the swastika which was on its lower wing (huge black spot) I was okay with the other wing designs ;)

Saturday, December 21, 2013


So I have noticed a few speckles of mold on our bathroom ceiling over the past week or so. I kept thinking, 'as soon as finals get over with I will get up there and clean those spots.' Well I was sitting on our floor this morning writing a card to my dad and I heard this strange toilet running noise. From time to time our toilet does run since we live in an old building. I told Justin so he could go check it out because him and his bubble butt are strong enough to lift that back thing off the toilet and fix the problem.

He walked out of the bathroom telling me not to worry; that he had simply left the fan on. I sat there for a few more minutes and I was like, "I still hear that noise?" Which is weird because I am totally deaf in one ear and normally can't hear anything.

Justin got up again and went into the bathroom and then informed me that the sky was falling. I am not sure why that chicken that incessantly screams 'the sky is falling,' did not warn our asses. That little freak has one job and he can't come and help us?

There was water dripping quickly from directly above our shower. Since there is a man directly above our apartment, for whom I have left a few pieces of hate mail (begging him to be quiet), I did not want him to suddenly come crashing through our ceiling naked. Although I suppose I could say "I told you you are always so loud, what is wrong with you??" Anyway to avoid this awkward situation I called the emergency maintenance number. Hagrid must have been well aware that I was thinking about him for Christmas card inspiration because that is who showed up at my door. He was like 6'5" and his shoes were as long as my thigh. But the man was a gentle giant indeed.

He ended up cutting a hole directly above our shower, we were informed that it will continue to drip when our upstairs neighbor takes a shower. I for one am looking forward to that. I think I will just sit in the bathroom all day waiting for the dirty shower water to drip from above so I can just jump under the fountain and preserve water by showering in his waste. We get to wait until Monday before they are going to come and replace the ceiling because Hagrid couldn't get permission to fix it today. Maybe when he comes back I will leave a dragon egg and see if he takes it because if he does than Hagrid is real.

I think I am going to go ahead and take a bath right now... This looks so inviting.

With Every Christmas Card I Write...

I laid my semester to rest at long last yesterday shortly before 5:00pm. I finished my final essay for my Philosophy of film class; on Professor Severus Snape I might add. After hours of writer's block I slapped the last sentence on my essay and called it a day.

The next task was writing Christmas cards out. Justin and I had a friend take Christmas photos of us this year with which we compiled our first family photo-esque cliché Christmas cards. They actually turned out pretty great. I would have liked to have reenacted a scene from Harry Potter in the photos, but I did not want to scare our photographer. There is always next year. That scene Where Hagrid carries Harry at the end of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallow Part 2 would have been good (I would have been Hagrid of course, carrying Justin to safety). 
This would be another nice option if we could find the proper motorbike with side car apparatus.Again I would portray Hagrid in the shoot. Photo credit: Harry Potter Wiki

This could be nice, covey the message that everyone should get along for the holiday season.
While I was busy researching ideas for next years Christmas cards I stumbled across something interesting. This photo was returned in my Google search. Apparently there is a whole porn genre of the Harry Potter stories?!? Who knew???
Talk dirty to me in Parsletounge Voldy!
There is a funny website where you can hear Ralph Fiennes (plays Voldemort) read some erotic material whilst in his pajamas (no nudity or anything weird is shown).

Anyway after preparing my cards I had to package the few gifts I had to be mailed. If all of your family and friends are in town I envy your luxury of not having to deal with the post office this time of year. I ran out of scotch tape about half way through wrapping. I started to just use this weird heavy duty package tape that is from Justin’s work. Fortunately everyone who is getting gifts from me this year is well aware of my terrible wrapping skills. While I did not capture any examples of the actual wrapping paper wrapped gifts I did get a couple of shots of my mail packaging skills.
Got my money's worth.. this bad boy is jam packed to the brim. I had to sit on it to close it. I know I would be delighted if this showed up on my doorstep for Christmas. The recipient will probably get hit in the face with their gift when they open the box, the contents are under a lot of pressure.

I made this envelope out of printer paper and my new favorite tape :) I win.

I am mostly done with Christmas shopping, for this I am glad. After all Christmas is only like 3.5 days away.