Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Boring Doctor Business...

So as I promised, I am going to reveal to you the details behind my surgery that was had on Christmas Eve. Since this summer I have been peeing blood. Not the period kind, some other weird kind. I had to get a procedure done to check shiz out. Everyone thought I had a tumor or something crazy going on so I remained silent until I knew that everything was okay. Long story short, my bladder is super sensitive, and I will pee blood for the rest of my life. I think it is trying to attract a vampire because my bladder is super weird, kind of bitchy, and dull like Bella Swan.
Pretty much what the doctor saw... photo credit:http://www.fanpop.com/clubs/bella-swan/articles/175483/title/fave-bella-quotes-from-eclipse-book
Anyway I wrote the following a few months ago regarding one of my appointments. It pretty much explains everything. Beware, lots of penises are involved.

After a 45 minute commute I arrived to my appointment. When I checked in only one other person was in the waiting room, a 70-ish year old man. I filled out my paperwork when soon another patient arrived. He too was an older gentleman. He asked me if I was there to get my prostate checked. I chuckled and continued on my merry way of filling out the paperwork, trying my damndest to get the vision of a butthole out of my mind’s eye. In approximately 30 minutes (yes I had to wait that long) six other old men came. I was certainly the minority.

Finally I was called back and led into an exam room that was filled with penises. Models, and posters, and photos, oh my! I also could not help but notice how low the exam tables were. I am sure this was to accommodate for the men getting their prostates checked… As much as gynecological exams are uncomfortable I must admit; it would be tough to be a man at times.

As I sat in the room I felt somewhat intimidated as all the one eyed monsters stared me down. I also felt like I was in a Clockwork Orange type of scenario with nowhere to avert my eyes. It was then that I discovered this photograph.
Fortunately it captivated me for some time. I was attempting to determine what message the urologist was trying to convey with it. The buttholes all seem to be pretty puckered if you ask me. Sends a: “whatever you do, do not unclench your muscles” kind of a message. Anyway, after about ten minutes of over analyzing the photograph my eyes wandered to a penis poster. Unfortunately I was intently staring at this when the doctor came in. In my defense I was trying to determine if I had a BPH prostate disorder. All the symptoms sounded like me… I was just missing a prostate. But hey, with all that testosterone I have been taking I should have one in no time.

The appointment went as well as it could have. I refrained from asking if I could take a souvenir from the exam room. There were so many penises to choose from. I felt like I needed some kind of token to commemorate my visit.
This was the only photo I was brave enough to capture. What in the hell is that white thing by the way???

I visited an asshole urologist a few months ago where I learned I would need to have a cystoscopy done. Essentially the procedure consists of sticking a lighted tube of death up your pee hole, which they twist and turn and examine the inside of the bladder. Next they pump it full of water to blow it up so they can see things better (and torture the patient more). This procedure is typically done while the patient is awake. I will spare the gory details as to why I hate anything going in my pee hole… I just do.

The asshole urologist I had the displeasure of meeting did not give a shit that I have had terrible experiences that have led me to be rather shy and sensitive when it comes to my pee hole. I tried to explain why I did not want to be awake during the procedure. She could have cared less. Actually she found my distress comical and in fact laughed as I sat there and cried in her office at the fear I was experiencing at the prospect of the procedure. She told me she only sedates patients who are 14 and younger because she doesn’t want them to be scarred for life…

I scheduled the appointment despite my fear. Two days prior to the procedure I called and cancelled. I did explain to the office manager why I was hesitating. I was sure to voice how I felt about Dr. Asshole and the fact that she should not treat every patient the same… some of us have a history. Some of us have emotions. We are not all perfect textbook patients. The office manager offered to have me see another physician in the office but I refused. My perception of that office was permanently sullied.

My OBGYN referred me to this older male urologist. She, knowing me as a patient, wrote a referral detailing my history and what I was looking for. I scheduled the consultation appointment expecting the worst but hoping for the best. So on the eve of Christmas my procedure will be had. I will be under general anesthetic thank goodness.

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