Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Nutty Bananas

I was driving to volunteer today and someone threw a banana peel out of their window. I was like:

Photo Credit: (real life Mario Kart)

In other news I have been having this issue with getting super hungry late at night so I looked up ways to quell my late night cravings. Wikipedia came up with a few “solutions” so I decided to try one of them last night. ‘Try grabbing a handful of nuts as a snack.’ Unfortunately grabbing Justin’s nuts did nothing for me in the hunger department so I ate an entire sleeve of crackers which did a good job of stopping my hunger, but sadly that was not the manner in which I had hoped to curb my appetite. Such is life.  

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Harry Potter Glasses For Cats

Me: Quit making me wash stuff

Me: Also I am hungry

Justin: What stuff?

Me: I think I am hungry because I have just been diagnosed with washer woman’s disease. Also mother’s wrist and mother’s thumb…which is weird because I am not a mom. But I do hold all of those babies in the NICU now my hand has morphed into being a mother. I wonder if the rest of me will magically change.

Justin: Um say what?

Me: I said I was hungry. Soon to be hangry- you know when you are so hungry you start to get angry.

Justin: I understood that, what about the rest?

Me: Well I have washer woman’s disease so I’m not allowed to do laundry or dishes for like 18 months.

Justin: What makes you think you have that?

Me: Also mother’s wrist and thumb so be prepared for children because they will probably be knocking on our doors once they realize that my hand is trying to magically morph me. Because they know I have cookies/cake/or chocolate in the house.

Me: Finkelstein makes me think that I have washer woman’s disease. He made up a test and put it on Wikipedia. Everyone knows that Wiki is the most accurate source for medical diagnoses.

Justin: Wiki knows best

Me: I think all of the cats that knock on our door will think I am an excellent mom too. Probably because they can watch me eat cookies, cake and chocolate all day because it is always in this house… except when I am hangry. Cats can’t have chocolate so every time I eat chocolate I am saving a cat.

Justin: You are sweet.

Me: Speaking of cats we need to see if they make Harry Potter glasses in cat sizes.


Me: Great, Now about my being hangry-what say you?


That is what he sent. Then I fell asleep which is unfortunate because I did not get to eat cake first but such is life. Also someone needs to invent Harry Potter glasses for cats, because these photos are clearly photo shopped.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Under Where?

Justin and I were in bed the other night with our monocles and top hats reading a few chapters before retiring for the evening. It was then that I came up with a new joke. You see Justin was in his underpants (tighty whities I might add... Okay okay just kidding they don't make those big enough for his butt) and he was under the blanket. I lifted the blanket and peeked in saying: "Hey, what's under there?"
Justin: "Under where?" 
Ba ha ha ha okay not that funny but I totally made it up. Also this happened. 

The Spectacle Now

It figures that the one day that I decide not to wear pants out in public I am forced to make a spectacle of myself. I had the brilliant idea to go to hot yoga today. This might be because of the other day when Justin alleged that there wasn't any cake at Whole Foods, and bought me nutritional shakes instead. You can connect the dots... If you need a map I kindly refer you to the dimples that are the cottage cheese in my ass they will show you the way.

Anyway so I stuffed my bum into some tight ass shorts because that is how I do when it is hot yoga time, and headed to the car. Unfortunately I recalled that the car was not at the apartment since it is Justin's and he took it to work today. I decided to swap him my truck for the car because my truck needs the relay replaced and can't start more than like three times in a row without dying (it needs a couple hours' rest). Also it should be noted that I have not driven my truck for several weeks since Justin has afforded me the opportunity of swapping vehicles more often than not (great bf, right? right.).

Back to my story. I got within close proximity of Justin's work and called to notify him of my imminent arrival. He then informed me that I must park in the yard since all of the street parallel parking was taken. This created quite the quandary since with the parallel parking situation, I could have made a quick getaway by side-stepping with my ass hidden by the truck and the boys in the yard would have never known about the cottage cheese that finds itself stuck to my under carriage.

I pulled into the lot haphazardly whilst attempting to park in the spot marked visitor. I underestimated the length of the truck since it had been forever since I had driven it. I wound up reversing and attempting to correct my perfectly diagonal park job 150 times before Justin came to alleviate me of my embarrassment. Then the real embarrASSment began. With my parking faux pas I caused several pairs of eyes to shift to my direction and the spectacle that I was making. Unfortunately there weren't enough objects in the way to give my ass cover. I halfway tried to side step by the chain link fence but realized there are of course, large holes in the chain link fence and it is virtually see through. Long story short (or medium length because this blog is 100 miles long) I was forced to walk away humiliated towards Justin's car, my cottage cheese following closely behind me. Bringing all the boys to the yard in it's wake... and not in a good way.
This is me minus the pants. Photo Credit: Arrested Development

Cake Boss

So this weekend was cool. 

Saturday night Justin was like: “I’m going to get Jack in the Box.” 
Me: “Really you are going to the place that gave me explosive diarrhea from hell food poisoning in the most delicate and girlish manner?”

Justin: “Yeah I want a meat treat box.” (note- I can’t remember what the hell those dumb meaty boxes are called that are only available at certain hours.)

Me: “Really, I was sick for like six days straight because of those assholes.”

Justin: “So do you want some curly fries?”

Anyway the evening ended with me riding passenger to the trip to Jack in the Box with the promise of cake. Though I thought strongly of throwing fecal matter in through the drive thru window I withheld my urges, mostly because I didn’t have any poop but partially because everyone would probably think I was committing a hate crime.

What was the worst part you ask? Whole Foods allegedly did not have any cake or cupcakes for me. But don’t worry Justin did get me some vegan nutritional shakes that were chocolate flavored. I smell something fishy. Oh, and if my most loyal reader is reading this right now he will be like “hey I got you cake balls,” and I would be like “those are only one mouthful I need more than that to placate me so they don’t count.” And he will be like “fine I am never bringing you balls of cake ever again.” I would respond by saying “fine cake balls count.” And for the first time ever I think Justin just won an argument weird. Of course it was really me winning an argument on his behalf so does it really count? Either way I should be rewarded... with cake of course. 
Don't let that innocent smile fool you. Photo Credit: jackinthebox

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Babby Farms

Justin and I finally had the chance to visit Babby Farms

For those of you who haven't heard anything about them here is their website. Essentially you are graced with the presence of a tour guide for an hour as you explore the various rescue animals on the farm. I have a hard time seeing animals in cages however most of them seemed decently happy. And the fact that they were mostly rescue animals made me feel that much better about it. Anyway my advice is to go when it is cooler outside; either early morning or later on in the season. I did not get many pictures because it was sweltering.
Most of the photos I took were of goats

Exceptionally Photogenic

I see that smile

Justin feeding a sheep

Hey how did this get in here? Photo Credit:

This is either Justin trying to muzzle a goat or the goat trying to eat Justin's hand... Not sure.

Wanted to steal this one.

and this one...

and every other animal they had
They do have far more exotic animals than that shown above. But they are in cages with smaller holes in the wiring and the pictures would have been super sad. All in all it was a good trip.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Sealing My Fate

I am very fortunate to have a handful of friends that I am close with, along with some wonderful extended family and of course the bf and his family. Though I feel like a broken record in saying this incessantly, I just feel like it is time to say it again. I have been falling to pieces as of late between getting everything prepared for graduation, and arranging affairs for PA school applications. Though these two milestones are fantastic, exciting ventures they do come with an element of stress. It is scary having no guidance in the whole process but in the end I suppose that will only make things that much more rewarding. Or perhaps in the end it will just make me hook on the streets for money (and or cake) since my chances of actually getting into PA school are miniscule at best... but hey it will work out ;) {kiddng about the hooking-gosh you guys}As most things come to pass, these two things will soon be in the past and there will be plenty of other new and exciting things to worry about. 

In the meantime here is a good interpretation of what I looked like today when I was talking to one of my BFFs about life and all of its troubles. I am the one with the data logger unicorn horn on my head since I am a bit eccentric. My friend is the one looking at me like I am crazy, because I am crazy... and also she is mad that I wore grey too, perhaps she is even jealous of my mustache because it is pretty amazing, and maybe the whole conversation I had with my friend today wasn't even real?!? There is no telling.
photo credit: reddit

Monday, July 14, 2014

The Nightmarish Army on Elm Street

Justin and I have been falling victim to that Elm beetle army front that is slowly taking over the city. This makes sense because we do live on Elm street. It is quite nightmarish. The other day, before Justin left to visit his parents, we saw one of these outside our apartment door.

Photo Credit: Extremely brave man

The following conversation has transpired via text.

Me: Remember that beetle we saw that looked really maniacal, and had horns for days?

Justin: Nope, no clue about a beetle at all. How is watching Harry Potter?

Me: Really? You don't remember? Not the 1000s of beetles that have been outside our windows but that big mofo dressed in camo like he was plotting some sort of attack. He was crawling really evilly.  

Justin: Nope don't remember seeing that, sure it wasn't your imagination?

Me: Also remember how I said I smelled something weird in here earlier? Well the smell is still here. Did you ever step on one of those one beetles by accident when you were a kid and it stunk everything up? I think this is a similar situation.

Justin: Did you step on a beetle?

Me: No, I would have known had I stepped on that particular beetle because it would have carried me around the apartment complex since I am 1/100th of its size.

Justin: Then what is the smell?

Me: I think it is that big beetle in here hiding and farting.

Justin: No your big butted man is over here.

Me: You are impossible.

Justin: Impossible to resist?

Me: You probably put that beetle in here and told it to fart while watching me watch Harry Potter.

Justin: I'm not that clever.

Turns out it was the Elm beetles causing the musty smell. I had placed a sticky trap on the window sill in hopes of quelling the army, and the few that had fallen onto it had released their noxious gasses.

In my defense of accusing the innocent party, this particular bug (super huge ass one) looks guilty.

I am not sure who this fearless man is click here but he got some awesome photos of this Balsam Fir Sawyer beetle. Yes it is named Sawyer; how something so scary looking could posses the same name as my niece I will never know. 

Thursday, July 10, 2014

My Life Motto is a Robot

Remember when Justin had a hotness plan like forever ago? Well, he is at it again. This evening we were in the pool enjoying a swim after he worked out. He kept remarking about treading water to lose weight. 

Justin: Are you going to eat those rolls from the store?

Me: No, I don't like them as much as the buns I normally get. 

Justin: *sigh, I wish you bought less carbs. 

Fast forward...

Justin: I'm hungry. 

Me: Put the broccoli on the stove then (potatoes were in the oven-there are no carbs in potatoes if Justin asks)

Justin: you just ate pie and ice cream and you suggest I eat broccoli?

Me: pie has carbs

Moral of the story? When I went to the store to buy lettuce and ended up with pie and vegan ice cream (don't worry I bought two bunches of kale and a head of leafy lettuce to cancel out the fat because that is how that works) I didn't know that it would all be for me, but it looks like it is! Win-Win. Gosh I would be really good at conflict resolution because I say win-win a lot. 

In other news I tried to take a quiz today and got this as a result. 

Apparently no quote from Disney is good enough at encompassing my life motto. Probably because no Disney character ever said "let's cancel out the fat in pie with three heads of lettuce," or "Lets go feed the narwhals donuts." But that robot makes sense. And I think he is trying to tell me to stop takin quizzes.