Tuesday, November 26, 2013

6 Christmas Gift Ideas Justin time for Black Friday

With the holidays quickly approaching I decided to let you guys in on a few of the ideas that I had for Justin. Since I have nearly completed my shopping for him I will now reveal the 6 things that I did not get for him but totally wish I could have...

1.) Who doesn't need a nice Voldemort costume??? I am pretty sure this would spice things up at home for us ;)
Sorry for the terrible picture of my computer screen.I am not sure if the mask and hands come with the robe but they need to! 

2.) All of Justin's friends at work call him Justin Bieber. Last year I did get Justin a singing Justin Bieber Birthday card but this year I could have stepped it up
A nice lunchbox to admire. It could even double as a purse.

3.) Or perhaps a child-sized Justin Bieber costume. I am pretty sure Justin could squeeze into this baby. Maybe his work will even change their dress code because I am sure this would only make more customers flock at their doors if they knew the one and only Justin Bieber worked in their warehouse.

This poor kid model... *sigh he does not look enthused.

4.) Though Justin has some pretty big feet these would make them a little bit more delightful.

5.) Some sexy art for the bedroom?
The "timeless art of seduction" fitting indeed  

6.) My personal favorite which I cannot take credit for finding.... They say that originality is dead but I think these fancy pants beg to differ. While there are plenty of puns I can coin about trunks I will just leave this without a caption blurb because they speak for themselves.
 Leave it to Etsy....   
Happy shopping adventures if you are crazy enough to brave the crowds on Black Friday, or if you aren't I hope these ideas offer some inspiration for gift ideas.

Monday, November 25, 2013

Oh Pearlescent Moon, How you do Shine for me even in the darkest hours...

Sometimes I steal Justin's pillows and he gets super mad. I guess that payback has been a long time coming. Last night we were getting ready for bed when he took one of my pillows and lobbed it across the apartment. In all fairness I do throw all of my pillows off the bed before I fall asleep, except the one that I sleep under. I decided to throw one of his because I steal his pillows every night. Plus he has like OCD when it comes to neatly stacking his pillows on the floor beside his bed in this symmetrical pile. I merely have been trying to dissuade him from his obsessive compulsive-like behaviors. It helps me sleep better at night, to know that I am making a difference in one man's borderline psychological disorder. Gosh, the price I pay to try to save someone from themselves.

Soon enough all of his pillows were on the floor and he was angry. I am not sure how they got there. Sometimes I go into a trance when I am waging war. I can assure you what ever the sequence of events were, this was in no way my fault. However to "repay" me he decided to not only throw every last pillow of mine off the bed, but also confiscated my blankets, and my pants. I was left on the bed pants-less and ashamed. My pearlescent bare ass provided illumination for the dark and cold confines of my aching heart which was riddled with loneliness. I sat there contemplating the very essence of my life for several excruciatingly painful moments as his evil laughter radiated throughout the apartment. I will seek my revenge in due time. He may have won the battle but fear not reader, I shall win the war.

Cinnamon Glazed... Taco?

Today I volunteered as I typically do on Mondays. Towards the end of my shift I got some apple cider with cinnamon because I get a $2 food coupon for volunteering. I always spend  my hard earned coupon on Starbucks.

After a few sips I did what I initially thought was a disservice to myself by soiling my khakis with my hot cider. It looked like I pee'd myself. I was able to conceal the stain with my tunic thing. So I quickly forgot about the disaster. Like ten minutes later I kept thinking, 'what is that delicious smell?' Wafts kept filling my nostrils when I would sit down. While trying to be as discrete as possible I attempted to smell my crotch area to determine what the heck was going on. Then I recalled the spill and I was like oh my god my vagina smells like apple cider, this is fantastic! Just in time for the holidays.

I went to run a couple of quick errands after my shift ended. I wondered if everyone I passed in the store could smell my vagina's holiday spirit. I know I could! I was also hoping to spread the Christmas joy of my vagina with my girlfriend. We were supposed to have lunch today but she got busy. I guess that is probably a good thing because I don't know how she would have felt if I asked her if she could smell my delicious lady bits from afar.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Brown Balls

Last night was the BSU football game, and boy was it a nail biter. In the beginning our team was not performing as adequately as they could have. Slightly after half time Justin started to massage my neck and back. Then we started to score and properly defend the football. Boys and their superstitions. Let me tell you how that one worked in my favor. For the next hour or so Justin refused to stop massaging me because it was "good luck". Then all of the sudden the other team scored and my pampering ended. We did lose the game but it was probably because I was not being massaged. Too bad the season is over or maybe nearly over for BSU football. I can't recall if we have a game left or not. If we do I will be ready and waiting for my massage because I like when BSU wins.

In relation I was telling Justin that if I had a football team their team color would be brown. I would make their uniforms the exact same color as the football, and they would have football-sized footballs printed all over their jerseys. Then no one would ever know where the real football was. Bonus: if one of the dudes liked to play grab ass he could totally do so nonchalantly because he could be like, 'dude I thought your ass was the football because you have footballs all over it.' Oh and I would call the team the balls. Their mascot would be a robot football that could dance and run around. This would also prove to be quite the distraction. I am pretty sure that we, the brown balls, would win every single game.
I spent about 100 years trying to superimpose this Etsy fabric photo onto Tom Brady but nothing spectacular happened 
I shouldn't say nothing happened... I did make this.
The above would totally fit perfectly onto this version of Tom Brady if I knew how to superimpose.. Then you would never see where his football is.
I know you would be all for my outfit idea Tom Brady.

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Man Showers

Today marks the first day of a much needed break from school. After everything that happened last week I am seriously thankful for the timing of this miniature hiatus. Though I have managed to fill my days off to the brim with appointments, chores, volunteering, and even a trip to Oregon; today I get to sit around and do absolutely nothing. 

Justin and I got up and went to the mall of all places this morning. We walked away completely empty-handed and flustered from the gargantuan crowds of eager Christmas shoppers. We were both hungry except as Justin so graciously pointed out I had four pieces of toast, and he had nothing before leaving the apartment. As if that was enough to tide me over I eat like a loaf of bread a day. Anyway hungry and grumpy may as well be synonymous for us because one goes hand and hand with the other. Justin huffed and puffed and quickly walked his big butt (term of endearment not verbal abuse) to the car while asking me every other step what I wanted to eat. I, in his wake, could not decide because everything and nothing sounded good... I hate when that happens. Also every time he would turn and look at me he had that look on his face where his eyebrows are like all the way up in his hair because 
he is so irritated. It makes me laugh whenever that happens because it reminds me of this:

From that Adam Sandler movie "Just Go With It"

After we bickered about food we grabbed lunch and coffee then headed back home. 

Justin is attending a man shower today. Yes, that is a thing. I am not invited because apparently I do not have a penis. I have been left home alone to peruse Netflix and sit on my ass because I want to. I watched this Jonathan Taylor Thomas Christmas movie because Netflix recommended it for Justin. I guess that makes sense since he likes to go to man showers. The movie was lame but did remind me of the 1990s so now I am watching Clueless, which by the way was also recommended as a movie choice for Justin. Yet another reason why we are a perfect match.  

I now leave you with this... I am employing the talents of Justin's mom to create something handmade for a friend of mine for Christmas. The gift requires fabric. That is about as revealing as I can be since I don't want to spoil Christmas for my special friend. A different friend of mine was at the fabric store today. He posted this on Facebook:

Photo credit goes to John for this baby

I think it would be perfect for my girlfriend's Christmas gift. Whoever invented this fabric is pure genius. For what it is worth I wish I could have fashioned Justin a shirt out of this before his man shower today. I have a feeling it would have been quite the hit!

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Farewell Letter

 Dear Uncle T-

It is Monday; my favorite day to write to you. Now I fear that perhaps this will be my last letter. I hope that Mae welcomed you with open arms when she found you. Because, undoubtedly, I know she was there to greet you. I know you were happy to go home to her, and I am glad that you are no longer in pain.

I talked to Aunt Gloria today. If there is one thing I know; she loves you so much... but of course you do not need me to tell you that.  She told me that your slippers are right where you left them. She told me that you have a fresh batch of laundry in the basket waiting for you. Even though there are traces of your physical being left behind there is a stark and lonely void that exists which was your brilliant life. It is hard knowing that you are not here with us physically. I suppose I just must keep reminding myself that you are there on the other side with Mae orchestrating things for all of us left behind.

Aunt Gloria also told me that your dog and co-pilot Caesar knows that you are gone. While he misses you most assuredly, I am sure that Mr. Mott Mott and Bridget were there to greet you on the other side. You used to always say when they were alive that no matter how many times you came in and out of the house within a days time, they were there to greet you as though they had not seen you in years. I can only imagine how overjoyed they were to see you today.

Aunt Gloria told me that you were trying to say something in your final moments. Though it could not be discerned I have a few ideas for what it could have been. Maybe you were saying goodbye, and telling us all that you loved each and every one of us one more time. Maybe you were apologizing for any hurt feelings or unresolved conflicts. Maybe you were forgiving those who wronged you. Or maybe you were simply saying hello to Mae, asking how she was as though you had just seen her yesterday, and admiring the copious amounts of fancy jewelry that we all know she is adorned in... After all it is probably the reflection of that very jewelry that makes the summer sky so bright, and all of the stars in the evening glow so intensely.

I am so thankful that I was able to send you some letters towards the end of your days. Aunt Gloria told me that she was able to read all of my letters to you. It fills me with such joy that you were as touched as she says you were by them. I am sorry for the tears that they made you cry, but please know I was crying too on the other side of things.  I am so happy I got to tell you how I felt about you. I can't imagine not getting that chance.

It is hard sometimes, life that is. People come in and out of our lives so frequently it is like the tide in the ocean bringing things to shore and then sending them back. I am happy that you were always a constant for me. We were always able to pick up right where we left off even if a large span of time passed between our meetings. I am happy that no matter what it is that you were facing, I was there for you relentlessly. Thank you for being there for me in return. Thank you for loving me and for sharing so many things with me.

I guess for now this is farewell. But I know that we will meet again someday. Until that time I will just have to hold you in my heart. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Love Always,

Uncle T... Lost but not Forgotten

I find that as of late I have become much closer to extended family then I ever have been. For this, I am thankful. I truly do have a wonderful collection of aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. A few weeks ago I was speaking to my Uncle Dave on the phone. It was the first time we had talked in ages.We reminisced about the old days and caught up with all of the goings on of current day.

Midway through our conversation he asked how I felt about my Uncle Terry. I did not understand what he meant by this statement so I inquired. Uncle T had fallen ill with a terminal stage of cancer. It was as though my world stopped. It was one of those ever familiar slow motion moments that sink your stomach so low it temporarily blinds you.

The sequence of events that followed the conclusion of that phone call were riddled with emotions. After taking a few moments to collect myself, and regain reason I placed a call to my Uncle T. My Aunt Gloria picked up, and was pleased to learn that it was me calling. Her and I reconnected like we had not skipped a beat. She was the same loving, devoted person that I so fondly remember from childhood. She lowered the phone to pass it to my uncle and I heard her excited tone on the other end; "Terry, it's Malina! It's Malina!"

At this I lost it. The excitement that exuded from her voice was only a confirmation that Uncle T still held me in the same high regard he always had despite the fact that we had not spoken in a year. I did my best to choke back the tears that of course were cascading down my face.

"Hello my girl..." came the weakened yet still somehow upbeat voice on the other end of the phone. We too spoke just as no time had passed between our last rendezvous. When I disconnected the phone I was relieved in a sense. I felt as though he sounded strong and I knew in my heart of hearts that he had plenty of time left.

Over the next couple of weeks, I did what I did best and rekindled my love for hand-written letters. I made the time between homework, classes, and volunteering to spill my thoughts on paper and send them away to the big-hearted man who was laid up in New Hampshire. Years ago my Uncle and I wrote letters back and fourth for a long time. He had previously always appreciated my letters, and always wrote so poetically back to me. Though I knew that his strength was waning, and he would be unable to write back; I still wrote. Monday's were my favorite day to write.

Yesterday (Monday) I completed my volunteer shift at the hospital and then attended my afternoon class. I next spoke with my sister which filled me with such positivity. I made a mental note that today is Monday, and I wanted to write to Uncle T before the day was out.

Justin and I started to watch a ridiculous cheese ball horror film. I made fun of it in every way that I could as I often do with terrible horror films because that is what they are there for. I saw an email flash across my screen so I opened it with the faintest trace of a smile still plastered on my lips...

I dropped my phone and covered my eyes as tears burned beneath their lids. The familiar sinking feeling was more intense than it has been in a long time. I was wrong when I assumed that Uncle T had a lot of time left.

I sat there for several moments before Justin realized that something was amiss. I felt him lean over and read the message that was still displayed across my screen like some kind of reminder to pick up something at the grocery store. He reached over and grabbed me as we sat there for some time with the sound effects of the B rated horror film filling the darkness that I was immersed in.

Dear Reader; I know that there is no easy way to deliver the news that a loved one has passed. I also know that it was easy for me to displace my anger towards the fashion that this news was delivered to me. It was tough to set aside the hostility that I felt towards the person who chose to be so crass with their method of communication. I had to do what was right though; despite my anguish and pain. I reached out and called the person to ensure that they were okay. Worry not my readership, the other party was not too broken up, and they had finished eating dinner too.

The bottom line is that a great man was lost... and nothing can bring him back. As much as I would like to pretend that there are things that can. I know that he joined his mother, my late grandmother, on the other side. I know that he is finally at peace after fighting so hard for the past few months. I know that he will always live on in the thoughts and memories of those who were closest to him. And those thoughts and those memories can never be taken from us.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

There is this dumb game on Facebook right now....

Essentially I was given a number and told to come up with 14 fun facts about myself that "people don't know." Most everyone on my Facebook friend list knows me pretty well. I felt that my blog readers may not know me as well so I am posting this shiz here too.

1.)    Despite my being vegan; I am terrible at Botany class. I also kill nearly every plant that I touch. My personal record was killing an orchid in less than 24 hours. I assume the plants I bring home feel much like a cow would feel after being adopted by a butcher. I would probably commit suicide too.
2.)    I have never watched SNL, Friends, or Seinfeld. I used to win that ‘never have I ever’ game all the time because of that.
3.)    I have a half-brother who I have never met.
4.)    One time a spider tried to crawl on my bare lady bits. Most likely it was trying to impregnate me so I could make a Spider-Man spawn. It made it to my inner thigh before I got it off of me. It was a hobo spider approximately the size of a poker chip (with legs). I am no psychologist, but think this plays into my fear of spiders.
5.)     My sister and I have had “alter-egos” since I was about 10 and she was about 13. They are sadistic army kings who desire with utmost passion to end all of humanity. They also enjoy knitting, baking, kittens and gardening. We still drive my parents nuts when we converse about our maniacal plans of genocide.
6.)    My family owns an island in eastern Canada.
7.)    I currently working on a multi-part blog posting called “The Chronicles of the Vagina Monologues.” Actually it is nearly done, but I am terrified to post it because it reveals a lot of my vulnerabilities and it talks a lot about my vagina. I also have been writing a book (not about my vagina) for about two years. It too is near completion.
8.)    I am deaf in one ear. One of my friends in high school used to steal handicapped plaques from vehicles and put them all over my car because he thought it was funny that I was “disabled.”
9.)    I have, for as long as I can remember done strange things in my sleep. One time (about 14 years old) I took a bunch of photos of myself and spread them all over our house. I have also attempted to apply make-up while asleep (with a marker), eaten chocolate and rolled around so much on it that my bed had brown smears all over it when I woke up (I thought I pooped the bed), and held plenty of conversations.
10.)  Speaking of make-up I have worn it only twice in the last decade.
11.)  Though it may sound strange my favorite book (discounting Harry Potter because that is my favorite series) is a tie between Jane Eyre and In Her Own Words which is written by a psychic (it is an after death story about Princess Diana) and something I totally normally would not be a fan of. The hidden messages in the book are great though.
12.)  I may or may not have rented a few movies before watching them with my boyfriend “for the first time.” I used to pretend like I was super smart and could predict the plot when in reality I had rented them a few days prior but felt so bad that he wanted to watch them, and I had already watched them without him. (sorry Justin)
13.)  My worst “date” is a toss-up. One was when this guy (who I thought I was just meeting for coffee) explained in detail about his skin grafting surgery complete with the excision and reattachment of his nipples. He then explained how he could not poop for two weeks after his surgery and when he finally did it was the most painful thing in his life. Further, he went on to tell me that he could not look at “magazine covers” because when he “got excited” it hurt owing to the catheter he had to wear for a few weeks. He asked me if he could move in with me via text message after our rendezvous. I declined and later had to block his number.
14.) The other worst date was when I went on a walk in the summer down a dirty dusty canal with someone who was wearing flip flops. I had previously explained to this person that dirty feet were one of my biggest pet peeves. We got back to his house and he asked me to close my eyes because he had a surprise for me. When I breathed in I smelled the worst dog poop-ish stinky smell I have smelled in my life. I decided to open my eyes, and when I did his dirty sweaty foot TOUCHED my face! I texted him that night breaking it off.


This weekend I collected some things out of storage and moved them to Justin's parents garage so that they could be surrounded by better clumps of dust and less feral cat families. It felt good to go through and condense the items I had tucked away for a few years. It is funny the things we think we can't part with that get shoved in a box, but never quite forgotten.

The trip down memory lane allowed many old feelings to surface that I had hidden in dark boxes for months on end. One of the first things I unearthed was a possessed-looking urine soaked (the feral cats did it) stuffed bear that was gifted to me by this guy I dated almost a decade ago.  I formerly could never stomach giving that stupid bear up. It was like I had to cling to those bad memories and remind myself of the hell that I chose to be a part of for so long. It was liberating to put him in the garbage. I finally let go of all that nonsense... (I hope that no aspect of Toy Story is real because if it is that will certainly be one evil bear with a menacing vendetta.)

The mementos I chose to hang on to were quite... interesting. Most things ended up in the trash or in the clothing donation box for the women's shelter. I did how ever come across my favorite holiday sweater. Here is a teaser for you:

I also discovered this gem, which is a card from a different former boyfriend...
"In the hour of adversity be not without hope, for crystal rain falls from black clouds."

And my favorite part; the inside.

It has "Be gentle with yourself" crossed off and "Happy Birthday!" penned in

So meaningful! ha ha..

A story was undoubtedly told with all the items I had set aside. Though some parts of it were tough to swallow, I think it was a good reminder that the path I took to arrive where I am now was not an easy one. However I firmly believe that the crucial things in life are often times not supposed to be easy. But the important thing is that I am here now. The important thing is that I made it through hell and back a few times in my humble little life.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Conversation I had with Justin today....

This morning:

Me: Starbucks is having a buy one get one free thing from 2pm-5pm today with their holiday drinks.

Justin: Cool, we can get lunch too.


Justin: What do you want for lunch?

Me: Quiznos sounds good?

Justin: Okay. What about french fries?

Me: Yes those always sound good. Do you want french fries instead of Quiznos?

Justin: Actually I was thinking we could do that thing.

Me: You mean that thing where we go to like five or six different places and get a bunch of food?

Justin: Yes...

And that is just another reason that I know Justin and I are meant for each other. I was thinking of starting a diet today... but there is always tomorrow.

***The Starbucks holiday drink thing is today (Saturday November 16th and tomorrow Sunday November 7th BOGO on holiday drinks only. It is from 2:00pm-5:00 pm)

Lost in the Clouds

Text conversation I had with my friend the other day:

Me: I finally got the new iPhone update to work after like three hours  (** I have been trying to get my phone updated since iOS7 rolled out)

Friend: Yay!

Me: I know finally, send me that iCloud thing again when you get a moment.

Friend: I just resent it. Did you get it?

Me: I don’t think so where do I look? 

(insert long boring explanation that tells me to click on the camera roll)

Me: this is all that I see

Friend: ha ha ha, it should be there I just resent it

Me: I was just on my home screen and I was like oh my god clouds and I clicked on it and it was the stupid weather app.

Friend: Go to your camera roll, see where it says photos and at the bottom there is a cloud?


Me: that is all that I see

Friend: It should be at the bottom


Friend: ???????!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: I got Justin some shoes for our one year anniversary. I figured I would model one for you. Shoe modeling relieves my stress. Clearly my skills are terrible Well, man shoe modeling is my forte cloud finding is not. 

Friend: check the camera roll it should have a cloud


Don't worry I eventually found it...