Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Everybody's Derpin' for the Weekend

I have this friend that I won't shut up about. She has a farm which I've mentioned about a million times so far. Sometimes we ride horses. And sometimes when we ride horses I make
derp faces that get caught on camera. 
Xzibit A:

I know what your thinking but no I haven't finally turned into a man. Whenever I say the word exhibit I'm transported back to my high school days where I played that damn Xzibit CD on a loop. But for reals here is the actual exhibit A:

I'd like to blame the shadows for the unsettling face I'm pulling. That and the helmet. If "America's Next Top Model," is looking for me I'm right here guys! 

Here are some other photos from my visit to Lacy's farm:
Chuck Norris the goat 
My BFF getting ready to cook me some dinner
Our friend Jessica riding a horse while Lacy supervises. 

Until we meet again friends. 

Monday, June 27, 2016

Grass that makes me Cheat

Justin and I had a day date this weekend. It is this thing we have been trying to do more often because that is what you do when you are in love. For this particular day date Justin chose the activity. He is so ambitious and chose hiking. 

Bless his heart he found a group of trails that were new to us up by Lucky Peak Lake. We worked out the directions and determined the general area of the four different trail heads. We began the journey of what we presumed was the easy 1.1 mile trail that didn't require an ice pick. Unfortunately  we were very, very wrong and found our selves on the most difficult path. 

I gave up at about the half way mark. Justin opted to continue uphill despite the steep grade. Here are a couple of photos. 

As I left him:

The last I could see him:

I made it back down to the car quickly but was sure to leave a love note in the dirt. He actually found it which was awesome sauce considering several other hikers came down between Justin and me. 

I was so hot and uncomfortable and just not feeling quite right vaginally speaking  tmi I know. Anyway we headed home once he finished and I promptly took a shower but stil something was amiss apparently cheat grass has a way of working towards my lady bits and even surviving a shower. I think that might be why it is called cheat grass the dirty bastard. Here is a photo:

Did you really think that was gonna be my vagina?! Shame on you. 

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Feeling Nosey

Justin wears all sorts of nasal contraptions while he sleeps because I am a light sleeper and he snores. Each morning we usually have a fun time figuring out where the sticky nasal strap winds up that was supposed to remain fastened over the bridge of his nose. His elbow, his forehead, the pillow, the blanket, pretty much anywhere but his nose. 

He has a less troublesome nose gear which he shoves up is nose and it most reliably is right where it should be come sunrise. Well yesterday it wasn't. We still haven't located it. We think maybe Justin ate it. Also missing? His credit card which I also think he might have eaten because the last place he used yet was Johnny Carino's and they swear they don't have it. Mayhaps Justin mistook his own credit card for tirimisu. Not completely bonkers. 

Monday, June 20, 2016

You Know It's Monday When...

So this happened today. 

I have this thing with glasses. They all break and then Justin is like why do you have so many glasses and I'm like because I'm me! 

Lacy thinks I might have come up with the perfect pair of day to night glasses. I think I agree with that because I'm practical. Maybe I can sell these bad boys on eBay for a pretty penny. Time shall tell. 

At least these weren't Harry Potter broken like my last pair. I can kind of make them work temporarily. Except now when I'm looking at shit and the lens falls out and I'm like, "my eye!!!! My eyyyye!!! The horror!" Then I realize my eye didn't fall out it was just the sunglasses lens. 

Saturday, June 18, 2016

Everybody's Working for Saturday??

I normally love me some Saturday's most weeks but this week I got to work on Saturday. Don't get me wrong money is great and everything but I miss sleeping in. Especially after the long work week. However some people would say I have my golden years to look forward to sleeping in, or mayhaps when I take my dirt nap. 

Anyway I found this and it just works for me so I thought I'd share. 
I hope you're all having fantabulous weekends. 

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Man Panties or Boy Shorts

A few years ago when I was spending my working days at a law office I made the executive decision to always wear shorts under dresses. Now without fail I have to have on a pair in order to feel comfortable/secure when I leave the house in a dress. I suppose this is a good thing because you never know when that dirty sewer air will creep out of a manhole and blow up your lady bits when you're just trying to walk. (Pretty sure some pervy teenage mutant ninja turtle is lurking under all of those air blowing manholes but whatever). I've got a couple of black pairs of shorts that go nicely under my dress without looking frumpy. It works. 

Except when it is laundry week and everything is dirty and I have to resort to wearing Justin's sexy man panties. This is horrific because it has a pouffe for the penis and since I don't have one it constantly feels like I am carrying an empty sandwich bag around. I wonder if they make man panties for dudes who have a micro-penis because I bet that regular man underwear make them feel inadequate. 

I know what you're thinking, 'why don't you just wear boyshorts?' No. I feel like that word is just weird. And boy shorts are not the same as man panties because they don't cover as much. I need to invent a line of micro-penis panties which double as women's shorts for under dresses. Then if a man is ever insecure about having a micro-penis (no need for insecurities but we all have them) he can pretend like he is buying them for his girlfriend. Kind of like how I pretend the "Harry Potter," stuff I buy is for kids. 

Monday, June 13, 2016

Chuck Norris, You Bastard

This weekend was fun-filled which was much needed after my work trip away from my home and friends. I got to see some of my favorite people and possibly even came up with next year's Christmas card. 

Perfect right? Right. Moving on I also spent some time at my friend's farm. I got there and we all looked at the pretty animals and gave them so much pets that their fur fell off. Then Chuck Norris ate some hair off and I was like fuck you Chuck Norris! But then he looked at me with his eyes and I was like okay fine but don't let it happen again. 

I was then standing under a tree watching my favorite goose (who hates me) from a safe distance. Suddenly the sky dropped something wet and I was like; "Is it raining?" To which Lacy replied; "no but there is a bird above you." So basically I got shit on but hey that's cool. The birds of Eagle, Idaho united against me that day. I just realized the name of the city I was in and now it all makes sense. 

Thursday, June 9, 2016

Medication Meditation

Sometimes when I take my medication at night I do weird things. Mostly it involves picking on Justin in a passive-aggressively mean way. Fortunately he usually understands that it isn't entirely me. *sigh sorry Justin. 

Sometimes I get on the internet and online shop for things I don't need. In the past this has been limited to things I can fortunately use; "Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secret," illustrated edition releasing in the fall, "Harry Potter and the Cursed Child," playbook releasing July 31st, and "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them," screenplay releasing in November. I don't notice any sort of theme do you? 

So I had a medicine induced moment apparently while I was on my trip. And I ordered at some point in the middle of the night; a jumpsuit. Me and my bladder don't really get along all that well. I also don't fancy getting butt ass naked in public restrooms (like at work) just to pee which I do like every hour on the hour. Medicine-y me must have thought I was still Jenny from the Block but I'm not! A fucking jumpsuit? If you need me I'll be waiting for the postal worker to deliver my package so I can return it to him. 

Except if Mindy Kailing can rock this... Hmmmm. Must find gold chains, boots, and a hat. 

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Chubbs and Nubbs

Today I was on the mobile (still out of town) when a patient came on with her daughter. Her daughter was six years young, and pretty awesome. Except she didn't know about Harry Potter but I forgive her because she is from the middle of nowhere. I feel like I need to bring a few copies of "The Sorcerer's Stone," with me to spread the HP love to rural towns. Every time I am on a trip I come across someone who needs to read it. 

Anyway little girl and I talked about school, sports, and pets. She then informed me that her cat had kittens. I of course immediately perked at this. She explained how all of them had someone to adopt them except one they are trying to get rid of. His name? Chubbs! Why you ask? He has fat chubby rolls. He is also grey and I wanted to adopt him so bad because HELLO I am me. Sadly I was with another patient when said little girl departed. I was like "chubbbbbbbssss!!!!!" But on the inside since my new patient would have freaked out had I screamed, and little girl couldn't hear my inner voice. 

I was crestfallen to say the least. Not that Justin would let me adopt a kitten. Then I went to the restroom and on my way back I saw this:

I thought it was fake so I slowed and took a closer look. 

Nope he is real. He has little nubs for wings and it is so sad. He must have fallen out of his nest. The hotel worker was like; "Yeahhh we be tryin' to save them there birds because that there happens all the time," and I was like da faq why is this not pulling at your heart strings?! Then she came out side with me and smoker coughed a few times before picking Nubbs up and setting him in the grass. 

I gave her the death stare but she probably couldn't tell because it was super bright outside and she might have thought I was just squinting. 
I heard birds don't survive well with people caring for them. But there is no telling what tomorrow night bring. I might just have a new friend in my Tupperware because how can I resist saving this poor Birdy? Nubbs Robert DeNiro Yeager. 

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Babysitters Club

Justin and I got to babysit this past weekend. We're a package deal because you see we just can't stand to be away from each other for too long. Driving to work together just isn't enough anymore. We have to actually work together too. Or "work," like babysit for our friends' daughter. 

She plays a mean game of monopoly by the way. She pockets blue bills and somehow manages to "roll," (move the dice to her desired number and set them down on the board) perfectly whenever she is close to a chance of community chest spot. Then she draws the card and karma bitch slaps her because she kept having to pay the bank for stupid monopoly things that never happen in real life. It was entertaining. I would say the most entertaining game of monopoly I ever played but I'm not allowed to talk about that one game. Don't worry it wasn't a get naked kind of monopoly (not sure how that's work anyway) but one of the players got very angry. That was like eight years ago though. Times have changed. And so have my opponents. 

After monopoly we then colored. Because I'm me. Lastly we went on a treasure hunt. I got like $0.19 from the little one. Yep scamming kids left and right. 

Monday, June 6, 2016

Mobile Malina

I've hit the road again jacks. This time it's off to a quaint little fishing town located right alongside the Salmon River. The street was lined with vehicles, and the fisherman were elbow to elbow like a ton of sardines casting lines in the 100 degree heat. 

While it's not my cuppa with the fishing I must admit the view is simply breathtaking. 

The hotel we are occupying is equipped with an indoor pool and a spectacular outdoor patio furnished with wooden furniture and caved statues. It most certainly is the perfect place to curl up with a book. 

My poor co-worker doesn't know I was stalking her but hey it was too picturesque not to. 

Friday, June 3, 2016

Save The Cats... Of every age, color and sexual orientation

It is no secret that I like cats. I've wanted one for quite some time. Justin and I attempted to foster with a local non-profit animal shelter last year but unfortunately it did not work out. 

Today I was at work and a friend of mine who is about to be between houses because obviously simultaneously closing on a home your selling and one your buying always gets cattywompus. The following conversation transpired:

Pamela- so basically we have to pay like $3k to rent an apartment for one month because of the pets. 

Tracey- what about if you didn't have the pets?

Pamela- well it'd be cheaper but we don't have anyone to take the cat. 

Tracey- I might be able to help. 

Pamela- Hey Malina didn't you want a cat?

Me- Yes, yes I did. Justin is allergic so I don't know if he would go for it. 

Pamela- well Benny is just a gay tomcat

Me-wait, what?

Pamela- he isn't like other cats. My sons always wonder why they didn't get a cool cat. Benny is a gay tomcat. He mostly hangs out outside. 

Me- so... Like I have to make sure he doesn't rape other neighborhood male cats? (Mentally thinking of maybe Justin's manliness would be a target for Benny's affection?) 

Pamela- well no. 

Me: okay... Well let me talk to Justin. 

Pamela shows me photos: see look at his gay face. You can just tell he is gay. 

Me- .... Yeah let me check with Justin. 

Fast forward we talked and Justin is feeling hesitant. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he'll have a change of heart but I'm not holding my breath. 

I did however decide to reach out to my animal loving compadre to get her take. I was presented with the perfect time to broach the subject. She was making statements about all her new friends she is bringing home and I was like "I might get a gay cat!"

Yeah so I'll keep you posted. Keep your paws crossed. 

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Quiz Pie

Sometimes, well a lot of the times, I waste time on the interwebs. I seem to fall particularly victim to taking quizzes of any variety. Well I was faced with the opportunity to make my own quiz because Facebook knows how to bait me. 

I thought for sure I'd be able to pen my own questions so I excitedly clicked the link. Unfortunately I had to select predetermined questions from a cyber pot of sorts. About midway through I stumbled on this gem. 

Check out that advertisement too. It's like the Internet is spying on me even though I have my cookies blocked. Although to be fair I like giving spanks to Justin. Doesn't matter where we are. Also pie. No matter where I am I love me the pie.