Friday, January 30, 2015

Ifs, Ands, & Butts



Justin picked me up by my butt last night. I know what you are thinking; this girl needs to get out of her house because now she is having hallucinations. But (pun intended) actually I am not having hallucinations. I think it might be all of the headstands I have been doing, there really is no telling but my behind has started to lift up back to where it was before I started eating cake every day. This is good because I am not all diet/exercise crazy, and I am thinking of starting this pyramid scheme for how my handstand/armstand/headstands can help your butt defy the laws of gravity.  

Some testing still needs to be done. There is a possibility that my arse is much like slow drying cement and it just kind of starts dripping up my back when I am upside down. I may have to employ Justin to see if he can sculpt my butt into a narwhal or possibly a cat because I really want a cat and I am starting to think that I might never get one. If my bottom is moldable than perhaps I will kind of be part cat. And that could really be the ticket to making me feel better when I realize I wasn’t building muscle unintentionally this whole time with headstands.  

If my bottom isn’t like slow drying cement, and is getting stronger from headstands and the like than I am totally patenting this idea before someone else does. In the meantime my gluteus maximus will continue to become stronger. Next thing you know instead of Justin picking me up by my bottom, my bottom will be picking up Justin because it will be THAT strong.


Wednesday, January 28, 2015

The Beat Goes On

I decided to start organizing our master closet today. Everything was haphazardly thrown into it upon moving into our house. It was manageable at the time-especially considering I wear like the same ten outfits over and over again like a wardrobe bad mixed tape or something. Then I lost a textbook I had sold on eBay so I tore apart every closet and made a huge mess. As we all know making a mess is easier than cleaning one up so I had let everything sit for a couple weeks. 

Today I color coded my closet because I guess I am a basic bitch. I meticulously went through each article and made sure it was hanging up right side out (so many pieces of clothing were inside out). It took forever and a day but the fruits of my labor were well worth it. 

Unfortunately I discovered one of the shirts I have been wearing (it's on the rotation of my ten most worn wardrobe pieces) is actually a Gap Body Intimates piece. So basically what I thought was a tunic is actually a night gown. So either the people I surround myself with were just too nice to inform me that I've been walking around in night clothes or I'm really not that crazy and it truly does look like a tunic. I would post a photo but I may or may not continue to wear it so I don't want to out it just yet. Plus I'm lazy. 

Speaking of lazy I've been having to force myself to do things lately; like cleaning out the closet. I've been dealing with the passing of a beloved family member. She was hospitalized for a few weeks before she eventually slipped away. Even knowing that death was coming didn't make the passing easier. But I guess at least she is free from pain now. You may have noticed my blog umph has dwindled a touch lately. That is why; despite the countless other excuses I gave. Tomorrow is the funeral. It will be in New York and I will be here attending a job interview unfortunately and fortunately. I wish I could be in attendance but at least I got to say goodbye a handful of times. Funny how no matter how many times you do get to say goodbye you always wish for one more time. Or at least I do. 

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Mr. Bubble Butt and the Mystery Bubbles

I found this really old blog I had written about soap like six-eight months ago. I had just been to Bath and Body Works to take advantage of one of their hand soap sales that they always seem to have ongoing. I was very eager to use the soaps but Justin (the frugal and patient man he is) was fighting me on it. There is another version of this somewhere on my computer but I stumbled upon this in my phone and decided to post it. 

Bath and Body works is trying to break Justin and me up because today I had to fib and it was all their fault. I purchased not one, not two, but six new hand soaps because they made me. They all smell delightful and are fall scents. Obviously I had to get six bottles because they were having a sale and I was just trying to be smart. 

I brought them all home yesterday and Justin said I am allowed to open one. In about a month we will be moving into our house where we will have three bathrooms so maybe things will change by then, but I am having a hard time waiting. Unfortunately I have this old stock pile of half used soaps that have been hidden away in the dark under the sink cabinet for ages. I've collected them throughout the seasons and try to swap them out to keep up with the holiday spirits as they come and go. Trouble is I get bored of the half full bottles under the sink and they tend to rack up. 

Justin was at work today and I was home studying. I opened the one bottle of soap I was allowed to and decided to work on making the other soap under the sink disappear. The problem with this plan was that it was close to Justin coming home. After doing dishes I dumped a couple bottles that had about an inch of soap in them down the kitchen drain and then proceeded to rinse them. When I tried to rinse them (so I could recycle them) it created this huge blanket of bubbles that was like a foot higher than the sink top. I tried the best I could to water it down but I heard Justin unlocking the door. 

I quickly threw the empty bottles in the recycler and sat on the couch. 

Justin: Hey

Me: Hello wonderful boyfriend. How was your day?

Justin: It was good. What's in the sink? Oh I see you did dishes. 

Me: why yes... Yes I did do the dishes. That is all that I did was the dishes. 
----------------------------------------
Over the course of the next couple of days I got rid of lots of nearly empty bottles and eventually got to open up another new bottle of soap for the kitchen sink before moving to the house. But every time I washed my hands I felt super guilty because of the $0.10  worth of soap I had wasted. And I kept thinking about how I just really wanted to wash my hands of the crime I committed but it was impossible. *sigh. 

Since I have finally outed myself I can only assume a punishment is on the horizon for me. So you can feel bad for me I have enclosed of photo of Justin when he is mad. This is the face of terror I have to look forward to after he realizes I posted this blog. 


Be afraid for me. Be very afraid. 

Saturday, January 24, 2015

Gluttony and Sloth

I developed a sweet tooth (or many for that matter) early on in life. I remember only wanting to eat peanut butter and chocolate when I was a child. I remember not being able to sleep when I was about five or six years old so I got out of bed and penned a "recipe" which was essentially comprised of every type of candy fathomable stirred into chocolate pudding. I waited up all night then when the time was appropriate to get out of bed I begged my mom to help me concoct this dreamy pudding but she refused. Probably because couldn't understand my highly creative mind and exquisite taste for fine things or perhaps she just didn't want me to have early onset diabetes. 

Fortunately now when I have sudden cravings for random things I have an entire kitchen and pantry stocked with fixin's to calm the hangry beast that lives within me. Although my sweet tooth remains; I have grown to just love all food in general (that is vegan of course). 

Justin is usually there on the receiving end of whatever it is that I whip up. Whether or not that is a good thing; you will have to ask him. Except he will probably claim that sometimes I pretend he is on the receiving end when in reality I eat everything in sight. Like that time I made justin raspberry chocolate brownies for Valentine's Day but there was none left for him by the time he got to my house that evening. 

Anyway long story short... I made vegan hollandaise today to top off the jalapeƱo/green pepper/tomato hash-browns I cooked up for breakfast and it was amazeballs. I'm super excited about it because I felt all house wife-ish and most of the time I feel manly. That is all I have today because I have pretty much been like this the past few days... Except when I made hollandaise. 

Next week will be better. 

Thursday, January 22, 2015

King of Cats

I have been busy writing in other outlets as of late. Justin picked on me for neglecting my blog this evening. Even though he is right (it has been nearly a week since I last wrote anything here) I figured payback was a must. The other evening Justin was parading around wearing this blanket.


I decided a few improvements could be made. First... Who wore it better?
Photo Credit: Robin Hood


I suppose we better not laugh too hard because shit just got real... don't let that smile on his face fool you. J-tizzle means business.

My personal favorite is this one though. Sometimes Justin likes to pretend like he doesn't like cats when really he loves them. They love him too.


He sure is the feline king, isn't he? Yes... Yes he is.

Saturday, January 17, 2015

The Cat's Pajamas

I have wanted some cats for awhile now. I finally got over the death of the best kitties in the entire world that I had at various times throughout my life. I honestly didn't think that day would come. Anyway I have hoped that I could snag two cats since I don't want to go through the heart break of only having one cat because inevitably when it passes as all living beings do in time; I won't lose my shit as bad as I would if I only had one cat. 

We have been wanting to adopt from a friend who runs a pet rescue. Her outfit is phenomenal, and she is highly trustworthy in her per dealings. However last night on Facebook these two fine specimens were posted from a shelter pretty close to us. 


How anyone can resist those faces is beyond me. Justin let me message the company to ask a few questions but I never heard a response. I was informed today that someone beat us to the punch and adopted the kitties in need. 


I think this is me in 20+ years by the way. Especially that fashion sense. It really does ring true to something I might wear when I turn my house into a cat compound. Whoever this lady is she seems like someone I would get along with very well. 

Also I was extraordinarily tired last night and tried to threaten Justin because I was being impatient with Trivia Crack.
My threats of course were futile because I am still a cat-less woman. *sigh. Also I think I was half asleep while writing this hence the end text message there in my one-sided conversation. 

I guess the outcome was bittersweet. Now we can focus on my friend's rescue. She knows us quite well and won't steer us wrong so it will all work out in the end. When the end will come? I'm not sure but I hope it is before the end of the year. I suppose we shall see in due time. With so many life tent poles up in the air it is hard to tell. 

Friday, January 16, 2015

Flocks of Food

I got home from errands and Justin had, perhaps unknowingly, set up a booby trap for me. I am in LOVE with Brussel sprouts lately. We have them a couple of times a week. I was famished when I entered the kitchen to and found a very delectable looking pan filled with magical brussel sprouts. I tossed several in my mouth at once only to realize that they were not magic, but raw and covered in olive oil. Which by the way olive oil is disgusting raw. 

I had to pay Justin back even though I'm 100% sure he didn't set that trap intentionally because he needs to learn to live with a person who shoves most kinds of food in their mouth when it is in sight. This is why we can't have bowls of fake fruit out. Who invented those anyway? Also those fake dessert carts that they take around at places like Macaroni Grill are trouble I tell you. Does that place even exist anymore? Probably not because there was probably an uproar about those plastic desserts. 

Enough about tricky food. I needed to pay Justin back for his lack of consideration to my food obsession. After showering I chased him around doing that weird thing where I do mini jumps on his backside. I know this makes no sense but there really is no way to describe it. 

Justin: What the heck I cook you dinner and this is how you repay me?

Me: You tricked me into eating non-cooked brussel sprouts. 

Justin: Well you dry humped me and the burped in my face. 

Me: That is not dry humping. And I don't think I burped. 

Justin: Yes you burped it was super loud. 

Me: okay fine I may have burped on accident, but I didn't dry hump you. 

Upon reflection of this blog I must admit that it is clear who wears the pants in our relationship. 

This blog needs a photo so I leave you with this.
There is a murder of crows who live close to our house, and a very large one at that. This is about one one hundredth of the group. They meet at A&W every night. Probably because of the root beer floats and french fries. 

I just reminded myself of this meme. Ba ha ha. 

Thursday, January 15, 2015

A Smelly Blast from the Past

I lost this book I sold on eBay so I went through every single box in the garage and all of our (5) closets. I eventually found the book however I also found many more things to list on eBay. This just might be one of them.
He stinks very much like dirty cats and garbage, he also has some stains on him. Behold: Bozo! 

My gf suggested I awake Justin with him in the morning but being as Justin is quite skittish and believes in Toy Story type scenarios. I don't want him to accidentally murder me or smelly Bozo because it would be neither one of our faults if Justin succeeded in maiming/killing us. Then Justin would just have to go to prison and nobody wants that. Not even Mr. Stinky. 

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Dark Magic

My "to-do" list ran out. I can't tell you when the last time was that happened. Since it ran out I have been busy relaxing, watching My Little Pony (the one from the 80s), re-reading the Harry Potter series, and working on a few of those things I had in mind for the New Year. 

I have been ignoring my phone until early afternoon to work on certain things that can't be done with interruptions. This has been a tremendous help. I never realized how consumed I was by all of the calls/texts/games until I went without it. 

Anyway enough of that. I flipped on the television the other day for some background noise when I realized "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire," was on. Although this is my least favorite of the HP movies I hadn't seen it in ages so I opted to leave the channel as it was. Plus it was the perfect excuse to wear my new Hogwarts shoes because of course I have to have them on when HP is on...just in case they suddenly turn into some weird "Dorothy and the Wizard of Oz," shoes, and I suddenly transport to Voldemort's lair or Diagon Alley. Unfortunately I did not suddenly transport to any wizarding world during the film, but I guess that is a good thing because I would need a certain big-butted man to accompany me on any journey like that. At the conclusion of the program I shut off the television while I worked on some more things. 

Justin got home and we were getting ready to watch "Boy Meets World," like we do every night because Justin always begs me to watch it. He usually jumps up and down repeatedly while saying "pppaaaalease?!?" In a girlish voice while I cast him a look of the utmost pity and then relent. I'm such a good girlfriend. 

So Justin casually flipped on the television and there were boobs and butts everywhere and something about porn. I stood there affronted and open jawed. 

Justin: what is this?

Me: uhhhh....

Justin: I thought you said you were watching Harry Potter today?

Me: I was watching Harry Potter, they tricked me! This is dark magic. 

Justin: oh this is HBO-but why is this on it is only eight o'clock...

Me: What is this world coming to? 

Justin: We have a free trial, it was supposed to end. 

Me: make it end!

He changed the channel which was quick (and smart) thinking on his part. I was thinking of karate kicking the big screen.  I am glad Justin resolved the issue before I had to. The HBO gods must have heard our complaints because today the channel was no longer available. Oh and, fret not because the "Boy Meets World," marathon continues since I never karate kicked the television. 

Ps- I found think a few weeks ago. Pretty cleaver. 
 

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Art-tastic



I am super excited because my old neighbor (from when I was in high school) started selling his art and I bought this yesterday for a very fair $15. 



It is no secret that I love Hayao Miyazaki. This is the forest spirit from “Princess Mononoke.” Here is what he looks like in the movie. 

Photo Credit: "Princess Mononoke"

Photo Credit: "Princess Mononoke"

Photo Credit: "Princess Mononoke"


Needless to say I can’t wait to find the perfect place to hang this. Art is always more meaningful to me when I am acquainted with the artist. 

I had better sign off for now because my pants (basketball shorts) are on backwards. This is a classy problem for a lazy Saturday of course. Justin keeps trying to reach in my pockets since they now provide the perfect pathway to my bunz of steel.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

When in Tuskany...



Last night Justin and I were up super late because I had gone to Hastings (video rental store) amongst my running errands and got VERY excited about all of the new release movies. I walked out of the store with three new titles: “Tusk,” “This is Where I Leave You,” and “Two Night Stand.” We had to watch all three back to back since Justin has a social affair this evening.  We were up well after midnight as evidenced by last night’s blog.

May I just say “Tusk” is… something else? I do like off the wall plot lines that leave little to predictability and dance on the edge of unrealistic. That film not only did those things but just was very interesting. I don’t want to spoil anything for those who want to see the movie and have yet to. I guess what I would like to say is if you are considering viewing this particular movie that you read the plot summary first. Make sure you know what you are getting yourself into. Justin informed me that Kevin Smith (the creator of the movie) is coming out with two more movies with the same cast that were in “Tusk.” I must admit I was slightly surprised by the fact that Haley Joel Osment (spelling?) was one of the characters. Also Johnny Depp and Kevin Smith's daughters were both briefly in the film. I will be watching the other films if for nothing else other than curiosity. 

photo credit: imdb

Anyway back to my original point. Yesterday I spent running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I did get to accomplish a lot which is nice. After watching the three movies I was quite tired. A friend of mine posted this video on FB today and I feel it is totally indicative of how I was feeling last night. Except I was really hungry since I skipped lunch-so I was half falling asleep half begging Justin to make me a five course dinner.