Sunday, August 31, 2014

Blueberry Girl- (the one time you will hear me talk about a diet... feel free to skip reading this snooze fest)



I am terrible at voicing/revealing anything food related. I have reluctantly accepted to partake in a one week clean eating challenge with one of my best friends and some of her other gal pals. It is much needed since diet is just a four letter word that goes out the window when I am immersed in the demanding environment that is school… well diet is not really something I ever do anymore to be honest. I am trying my best to express my journey. If I could show you all an interpretive dance right now I feel the proper message would be conveyed however I am both horrible with a camera and terribly self-conscious. I apologize in advance if you are bored to tears with the following post.

I have yet to food prep, and I don’t know that I will (never have food prepped ever). Fortunately for me Justin grocery shops while I am in school. The majority of the time he cooks for us also, so food prepping is not something that is necessary. Be jealous. My goal is to make it thru the week (7 days commencing Monday and ending Monday) eating clean. I normally sustain a pretty healthy and well-rounded diet constantly without really trying. I feel this is owed majorly to the fact that I am vegan; the OCD kind of vegan that will not eat anything I do not recognize on an ingredients list which forces a great many processed foods out of my life. Occasionally I deviate from eating healthy. This typically happens when I starve all day long like today.

Today I had black coffee this morning, a couple of crazy bread sticks from Little Caesars (sans cheese and butter) which were left over, and then fasted all day until about ten minutes ago when the hungry monster escaped from my loins (I rapidly consumed udon noodles with spicy peanut sauce that I made from scratch with actual fresh ground peanut butter, fresh squeezed lime juice, sesame seeds, cayenne pepper, freshly chopped chives and ginger). I then was still starving and ate toast… toast with peanut butter and cacao bits on top. Now I am considering my cupcake which is vegan and gluten free from Whole Foods. I know I need to eat it tonight since tomorrow I need to eat clean (also tomorrow is when the Hogwarts Express leaves fyi- I won’t be able to celebrate the holiday with food *sigh)

My goal is just to try at this point. Seven days seems miniscule though I am sure half way into day one I will be huddled in a corner covered in chocolate and French fry bits. My friend is quite inspiring and has been very successful with the breadth of knowledge that she has gained from clean eating and working out. I doubt I will attain the heights that she has reached (pun intended) however I guess I will never know if I don’t try. *SIGH. (side note: feel free to click here to follow my friend on her journey if you are into that whole diet/exercise business)

Come on Hogwarts letter… come now so that I can be freed from this torture. I have a funny feeling that since I am instituting the word diet that I seriously will eat the unhealthiest that I have ever eaten in my life but as I said above; we shall see.This is likely what I will look like at the end of the week. I will be blue in color since I will be sad that I failed so miserably. 

Photo Credit: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Friday, August 29, 2014

Couch Eater

I went to see an old friend today which was exciting. It is nice to squeeze in some good ol' quality friend time every so often where I can. Especially when all the teeny boppers at college are picking on me lately. 

Upon arrival to my friend's home we entered her living room where she pointed to the couch and said to me, and I quote; "Don't eat that!"

Ba ha ha she knows me so well, of COURSE I would try to eat the couch because what else would I do when people invite me over? Instead of setting your unwanted furniture out by the trash pick up just call me and I will have it eaten up in no time. Love me some fiber.

Me after eating a couch. That is my friend in the background. She feels very irritated that I just ate some more furniture. Photo Credit: dailyanimallover.blogspot


Thursday, August 28, 2014

Hangry Games and Mean Girls

I was feeling extra hungry the other day at the commencement of one of my lab periods. I had gone about seven hours without eating (technically like 20 if you count sleeping, skipping breakfast etc), and knew I had to last three more hours before getting some sustenance. Hangry was just starting to creep up on my mentality.

I put my book bag down and proceeded to open the drawer to gather my lab materials. The person across from me said very bitchily: 'You can't sit there.'

Me: Excuse me?

Bitchily One: I said you can't sit there. We did a seating chart last lab period that isn't your seat.

Me: I was told by the instructor we were waiting until this lab session to create a seating chart.

Bitchily One: Well that is wrong we did a seating chart. You can't sit there.
Photo Credit: Mean Girls
Me (sliding over one seat while shooting the most penetrating and evil glare I could muster): Okay...

Thirty seconds later....

Instructor: So I am passing around a seating chart since I neglected to do so last class period. Once you write your name down on it that will be your permanent seat.

Me:
Photo Credit: Predator

I hope she tries to sit by me anywhere, any day, any time in lecture, in lab, even if only for a moment to rest her dumbass... because I will tell her she is not on the seating chart...

Photo Credit: Tumblr

To end on a positive note, and at the risk of seeming very.. split personality-esque; someone posted this on Reddit the other day. and I find it delightful. It is Audrey Hepburn, which goes without saying but just in case you are unable to recognize her I thought I would enlighten you.


Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Au Nasty Naturel Lotion



I got a new lotion from the health foods store the other day. I have been trying to come up with the proper way to label said lotion –scent wise. I finally have arrived at what I feel is the perfect description: outhouse flavored candy scented.

Unfortunately for Justin I plan on using every drop of this stinky paste so as to not have wasted any money. I only put it on at night however because if I put it on during the day I fear that people who need to use the restroom will sniff in my direction and be highly confused. Perhaps they would even drop trou and relieve themselves on me. 

In other news the semester has commenced. Thus far I have had the pleasure of attending five of my seven classes. In those five classes I will be required to make a total of five presentations *sigh. If these go anything like the other times I have given speeches I will no doubt be talking about fornicating polar bears again. I have a tendency to black out if everyone in the room is watching me. Though I suppose public speaking (glossophobia) is the number one fear… the number two fear if I am not mistaken is pooping in public. I find this highly acceptable because it is just awesome that the number two phobia has to do with number two. Also if I ever accidentally forget to scrub off the outhouse flavored candy scented lotion maybe everyone will just fear me. 

 It should be noted that I attempted to find something which confirmed my listing of #1-2 fears however Google kept showing me photos of spiders. (Google you bastard! I thought we were friends) It has been a year since I have taken Abnormal Psychology, and though my memory is usually pretty accurate I could be mistaken about the most common fears. Please accept the following as my apology:
Photo Credit: pixdaus.com

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Hairy Wizards

The dastardly GRE is at last over. Justin and I arrived home moments ago from our lavish stay at the Super 8 (Motel/Hotel??) in LaGrande, Oregon. The room we stayed in was quite something. It included a comforter which appeared to have not been washed in ages, an old boxy television set that was unable to hook up to my DVD player, a hotel lobby which smelled faintly of vomit, and a perfectly Feng Shui'd bathroom which caused Justin to hit his head not once, but twice on the towel rack.

Justin: I am going to take a shower.

Me: Okay.

BOOM

Justin: Ouch!

seven seconds later BOOOOOM!

Justin: OOOUUCCHHH!

I tried the hardest I could not to laugh but it was too damn funny after being cooped up in a car all day not to.

How I felt before the GRE:

Photo Credit:energyenhancement.org
How I felt after:
Photo Credit: Harry Potter
Also While searching for the above I stumbled upon this gem.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Shoots and Ladders



Nerves are trying to get the best of me as I am currently immersed in the final hours leading up to my GRE exam. I keep trying to tell myself that the end is near, and soon all of this mind-boggling information can escape from my memory. 

In an attempt to quell the snakes of tension which are currently slithering around in my stomach I called one of my friends this morning to distract me. She had the pleasure of knowing me in high school during a time where I constantly had to sneak out to see friends or go get Jack in the Box curly fries. I will spare you the sob story of an overprotective set of parents; however I do understand to a degree not wanting your teenager to eat curly fries... they are after all the devil. 

Most of the time I was able to outlast my mother’s bedtime and I would sneak downstairs, climb through dog doors and run across a poop filled back yard where I treated each mound of shit as a land mine. Once I arrived at my car I would put it in neutral, roll it out of the driveway, and use, if necessary, my poop cleaning kit.

Some nights mom would burn the midnight oil. Being that I was on the second story I had to get creative with tactics of escape; fire escape ladders, trying to tie sheets together (this does NOT work), a rope and climbing gloves, one time even just jumping from the second story window onto the concrete driveway where I thought I had broken my legs…

Today on the phone I was reminded of one such time where creativity was not my best. I had been dating a boyfriend with a very similar last name as mine. To spare the embarrassment I will not state that last name here. Our last names were not identical it was as if my last name was Thompson and his last name was Thympsan. He kindly brought over his father’s ladder so that I could climb down to safety and attend a soirĂ©e of sorts. When I arrived back home I had forgotten that we left the ladder positioned below my bedroom window, and I climbed in through my regular route the dog doors.

I awoke the next morning to screaming. I went downstairs to determine what the ruckus was and my father began questioning me about the ladder. I was still half asleep so my reasoning was a mumbling of “gee, I am not sure whose ladder that could be.” I was dragged outside and affronted with the vision of the ladder propped up against the side of the house. I then caught the word “Thympsan” sloppily written across the side of it.'Shoot,' I thought.

Me: Dad, that is your ladder- see you wrote your name on it

Dad: That is NOT my name!

Me: Yes it is; you always did have poor penmanship.

I saw the look of confusion and bewilderment flash across my dad’s face as I turned on my heel and went back upstairs to “sleep,” where I worried the rest of the day that I had been discovered. 

Eventually I did come clean about this incident, along with all of the others. I got caught sneaking out finally about six months later when I was 17, and already in college. My mom told me if she caught me again I would have to move out. She also finally gave me a curfew and allowed me out of the house for reasons other than my full time job or attending college classes. I moved out a few days before my 18th birthday. The rest is history... But I do know my dad still has "Mr. Thympsan's" ladder...
photo credit: cartoonstock.com

Friday, August 15, 2014

Sandwichizing

Me: I need to come up with a new word for this thing I realized I do today.

Justin: uhhmm (trying his hardest to ignore me.)

Me: Like, I can't possibly be the only one that does this thing. So I need to coin a word for it.

Justin: Okay, what are you talking about?

Me: You know how sometimes you feel really ambitious, and you decide to do a youtube work out video?

Justin: No?

Me: And then instead of doing the exercises, half way through you quit and eat your Quiznos sandwich. Then you start talking to the people working out and you're like 'hey mister, I bet you wish you had a sandwich!' The harder they work out, the harder you want to eat.

Justin: You are the only one that does that. And you are weird. But I love you.

I do not agree that I am the single solitary person that does this. Maybe I should call it sandwichizing. or exerwiching... but then Harry Potter fans might think that I am trying to exorcise the magic out of the witch or wizard like an exorcism; and that is the last thing I want people to think because then there will inevitably be a Voldemort 2. 

feastercizing, exerfeast, foodacize... no...

Thursday, August 14, 2014

A Twist of Fate, Farm of Cake

Today was weird. I have been devotedly preparing for my GRE examination which was scheduled originally for today. I received an email yesterday, less than twenty-four hours prior to the start of my exam, stating that the testing facility I was supposed to complete the exam at was under construction. It was noted in the email that despite noise-cancelling headphones and foam earplugs being provided that the noise would still be disruptive. They gave me the option to call the test proctoring company and reschedule at a different facility since they would be under construction until February 2015. So long story short- six phone calls, a shit ton of crying and being angry, and a few hours later I am now scheduled to take the exam in Oregon next week... three hours away from home. 

I booked a hotel and read reviews about the town I will be staying in. Apparently women there get cat called a lot and should not go out after dark alone so Justin will be making the trip with me since despite my best efforts to become more manly; I have failed miserably. 

To get my mind off from the whole situation I decided to run a few errands this morning. I don't want to give many details on what I am about to divulge because the perpetrator is at large, and last I saw looked like they would cut me. Anyway I witnessed a terrible car accident where a maniac, possibly drunk, definitely has a meth lab in their basement, person clipped the front end of another person's vehicle. I seriously have to be cryptic as shit because I gave a witness statement to the police officer in favor of the innocent party (since they were, after all, innocent). I am quite sure at any moment the police will be here to swear me into the witness protection program. I hope I can go live at a cake farm because those are real, or at least they could be. And I bet cake farms don't have the GRE.

After doing my civic duty I decided to get some lunch because I am an emotional eater. I went to Quiznos, ordered my sandwich and waited for my turn to pay. At last I was next in line for the register when the person in front of me came up short $8.39. 'What on earth would society do with out me?' I wondered as I handed over the cash to save the woman in her embarrassing moment. Anyway, it was then that I came to the realization that of course I was not supposed to take the GRE today because society needed me today. Fate intervened so I could be in the right place at the right time in two different instances today. Now I get to go live on a cake farm! 


So I googled cake farm and I instead found a farm cake. I will accept this as payment from the universe in lieu of going to live on a cake farm (I know, I am so unbelievably nice). However I will need to have a narwhal on top of that cake too. In fact, just remove the silo and replace it with a narwhal. Yes.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

I Dream of Genie



I was certainly throttled by yesterday’s news of Robin Williams’ passing. I could never come close to the homage that has been paid by prominent individuals of our society however I wouldn’t feel quite right if I remained silent in this time; if there is such a thing as a taciturn blog writer. 

Evan Rachel Wood         @evanrachelwood
Genie. You're free.
In remembrance of the comedic light-hearted genius Justin and I watched “Hook” and “Aladdin” last night. I was transported back to childhood times when life was far simpler and GRE was just some unfamiliar acronym that did not consume all of my time and brain power. 

For your enjoyment I have attached some photos of me sporting my Jasmine costume with the fierce passion that only a 9 or 10 year old student of jazz could possess. Please excuse the grainy nature of the photos as it took extensive digging to unearth them. I don't possess the smallest of desires to scan them into the computer so alas, you are stuck with phone-taken pictures of pictures. 
Perfect form if I do say so myself. That is head-to-toe dancing right there. 
It should be noted that despite the standing ovation I can vividly recollect at the conclusion of my dance number I opted not to continue with dance after this performance. It just would have been unfair to compare my unbridled talent with that of other dancers. 

Just look at that panache.



But perhaps tonight, in loving memory of the Genie, I shall reprise my role as said student of jazz as I dance one last night to the steps of  “Friend Like Me.”

Are you not impressed???



 Or maybe not.. since I doubt that my apartment is big enough to do a cartwheel without kicking over Justin or an appliance of some sort.