Thursday, July 3, 2014

Shit Happens

Friday night I had Jack in the Box curly fries. I remember them tasting a bit off, and for the first time in my life did not polish off the entire container. I drifted off to a seemingly restful sleep leading into the weekend. At approximately 2:00 am I was awoken because I was horribly freezing. This was slightly odd considering it was near 80 degrees in my apartment and I was under two heavy blankets. For a few hours I tossed and turned and tried to snuggle up to the lump of warmth next to me. Alas, my attempts at warming myself were futile. I rolled out of bed and stood in the shower for several minutes finally warming up. Upon shutting the water off, I immediately froze again. 

About ten minutes after getting out of the shower I began to get the most intense “I am about to vomit everything I have ever eaten in my entire life” feeling ever. This feeling and the chills lasted until Sunday night. I did everything to try to throw up but nothing ever came to fruition. I should have known a storm was coming. At some point Sunday during the day I made it to Primary Health to see a doctor to make sure I wasn’t dying. They suspected pancreatitis but fortunately for me what I had contracted was merely a gnarly virus- possibly a food poisoning virus. 

Fortunately for me these nagging symptoms that did not allow me to eat, drink, walk, move, breathe, sleep, think etc ended as I mentioned above on Sunday night. However they reason they ended I’m quite sure is because the great shit storm began. I will spare you the details… 

Monday at 8:30 am I was to report for duty at the law office. After a night of unpredictably timed trips to the bathroom I wondered how on earth I was going to manage maintaining a professional appearance if I accidentally did not make it to the bathroom on time. Having experienced nothing even close to this in my life ever before I slowly got ready on that Monday morning all the while praying to the shit gods that any and all poop and related substances would stay in my ass. I packed a bag which I referred to an “in case I shit my pants ten times bag” at headed out the door.

I wondered what I would be like to walk in to the office and greet the attorney with a handshake and a smile as I backfired audibly in my pants. How would he feel when instead of welcoming clients with a friendly, professional demeanor I ran to the bathroom and dropped a Hiroshima bomb? I waited. I waited to die… waited to live... waited for a certain absolution that would never come. Okay I know that may have been over-dramatic stealing a quote from Titanic, but in all honesty Monday was one of the most terrifying days of my life. Praise Allah no accidents were had, nothing even close in fact. Unfortunately for me though the next few days all the way up until this moment I could not keep any food inside of me for more than about fifteen minutes. I finally was able to throw up again, like 100 times.

Now I am better. And that being said I could go for some curly fries….. JUST KIDDING!
"I'll never let go, Jack-in-the-Box, I'll never let go..."

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