Sunday, November 17, 2013

There is this dumb game on Facebook right now....

Essentially I was given a number and told to come up with 14 fun facts about myself that "people don't know." Most everyone on my Facebook friend list knows me pretty well. I felt that my blog readers may not know me as well so I am posting this shiz here too.

1.)    Despite my being vegan; I am terrible at Botany class. I also kill nearly every plant that I touch. My personal record was killing an orchid in less than 24 hours. I assume the plants I bring home feel much like a cow would feel after being adopted by a butcher. I would probably commit suicide too.
2.)    I have never watched SNL, Friends, or Seinfeld. I used to win that ‘never have I ever’ game all the time because of that.
3.)    I have a half-brother who I have never met.
4.)    One time a spider tried to crawl on my bare lady bits. Most likely it was trying to impregnate me so I could make a Spider-Man spawn. It made it to my inner thigh before I got it off of me. It was a hobo spider approximately the size of a poker chip (with legs). I am no psychologist, but think this plays into my fear of spiders.
5.)     My sister and I have had “alter-egos” since I was about 10 and she was about 13. They are sadistic army kings who desire with utmost passion to end all of humanity. They also enjoy knitting, baking, kittens and gardening. We still drive my parents nuts when we converse about our maniacal plans of genocide.
6.)    My family owns an island in eastern Canada.
7.)    I currently working on a multi-part blog posting called “The Chronicles of the Vagina Monologues.” Actually it is nearly done, but I am terrified to post it because it reveals a lot of my vulnerabilities and it talks a lot about my vagina. I also have been writing a book (not about my vagina) for about two years. It too is near completion.
8.)    I am deaf in one ear. One of my friends in high school used to steal handicapped plaques from vehicles and put them all over my car because he thought it was funny that I was “disabled.”
9.)    I have, for as long as I can remember done strange things in my sleep. One time (about 14 years old) I took a bunch of photos of myself and spread them all over our house. I have also attempted to apply make-up while asleep (with a marker), eaten chocolate and rolled around so much on it that my bed had brown smears all over it when I woke up (I thought I pooped the bed), and held plenty of conversations.
10.)  Speaking of make-up I have worn it only twice in the last decade.
11.)  Though it may sound strange my favorite book (discounting Harry Potter because that is my favorite series) is a tie between Jane Eyre and In Her Own Words which is written by a psychic (it is an after death story about Princess Diana) and something I totally normally would not be a fan of. The hidden messages in the book are great though.
12.)  I may or may not have rented a few movies before watching them with my boyfriend “for the first time.” I used to pretend like I was super smart and could predict the plot when in reality I had rented them a few days prior but felt so bad that he wanted to watch them, and I had already watched them without him. (sorry Justin)
13.)  My worst “date” is a toss-up. One was when this guy (who I thought I was just meeting for coffee) explained in detail about his skin grafting surgery complete with the excision and reattachment of his nipples. He then explained how he could not poop for two weeks after his surgery and when he finally did it was the most painful thing in his life. Further, he went on to tell me that he could not look at “magazine covers” because when he “got excited” it hurt owing to the catheter he had to wear for a few weeks. He asked me if he could move in with me via text message after our rendezvous. I declined and later had to block his number.
14.) The other worst date was when I went on a walk in the summer down a dirty dusty canal with someone who was wearing flip flops. I had previously explained to this person that dirty feet were one of my biggest pet peeves. We got back to his house and he asked me to close my eyes because he had a surprise for me. When I breathed in I smelled the worst dog poop-ish stinky smell I have smelled in my life. I decided to open my eyes, and when I did his dirty sweaty foot TOUCHED my face! I texted him that night breaking it off.

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