Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Lord of the Ring Worms

I have been a regular at yoga, the six a.m. class I might add, as of late. I can say that because I have attended class two of the last three days at that hour. Ya I know, I am so ambitious. Naturally I have been waking up periodically throughout the night (prior to class) and thinking ‘oh shit, it’s time to go!’ Despite the fact that it is 2,3, or 4 in the morning. Last night my eyes snapped open at 2:31 a.m. and I thought initially that this was just another premature excitement over the imminent yoga that was in my future. Suddenly my hand was on fire and I was like OMG am I wearing the one ring that ruled them all? My diabolical plan to take over the universe just got easier. But sadly; once I became coherent I realized that the only ring on my finger was that which closely resembled ring worm.  

Photo Credit: LOTR wiki

A few weeks ago I got bitten by something (probably a spider but don’t tell me that because I am deathly afraid of spiders). I was volunteering that day and noticed two bright red bumps on my ring finger. Upon closer examination I saw two little fang marks, so this means that it probably was a spider or an extra asshole-y bug that decided to bite me two times. The bite radiated heat all day and itched. Within 24 hours the swelling was down and I had forgotten all about it, until this morning when I was awoken by severe itching. 

As I stated above a ring of red-ish blisters was burning and itching. I thought that there was no way I could contract ring worm because number 1.) I love worms and am an advocate for their species. I often save a half a dozen lives in the course of a rainy day as I move them off walk ways, and into the safety of the grass, and number 2.) I have not even been around anyone with ring worm lately.  I got up with the sun and headed over to Primary Health. I talked to the doc in the box for a few minutes and he kept telling me that it was not ring worm but he wanted to test it anyway since it was in a peculiar, perfectly circle shape. For an agonizing twenty or so minutes I waited for him to come back and confirm my suspicions. 
photo credit: google

Finally he came in and told me the ring worm test was negative. I was overjoyed. Next he asked me if my butthole, vagina, hands and armpits have been sweating a lot. I blankly started for a few moments than answered, “No?” He proceeded to tell me about the apocrine sweat glands and their functions. He told me that some people have overactive glands and as a consequence develop pit stains, and this particular type of eczema called dyshidrosis. I tried to assure him that those places do not sweat unless I am working out but he told me I must be mistaken, or maybe I have developed super sensitive skin. I kept telling him that I did not have pit stains, or butt sweat stains but he just looked at me coyly. Long story short, he prescribed a topical cream and sent me on my merry way. He told me to come back if the condition did not get better in a week. If that is the case it could be something regarding the bug bite. 

When I got in my car I checked for pit stains and saw none despite my quick exit this morning and neglect to put on deodorant. There was not one drop of sweat. Of course perhaps my perception is flawed because according to the dude that saw me I am one sweaty rapscallion. Maybe I have such sweaty hands that I can’t feel my pits perspiring. When I got home I looked at my butt in the mirror and did not see any hint of a sweat stain there either. Again since I am such a sweaty bastard I may not be a reliable judge of this fact. 

I am going to hope that this is the result of “sensitive skin,” and that it goes away within a week. If it does not go in a week, I had better not be one of those weird cases where spiders lay eggs under the skin and then they blister and hatch… UGH.  

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