Thursday, April 10, 2014

Hefty Lady Humps

This strange phenomenon seems to occur during the fall/winter. Each year when spring rolls around, and the temperature gets warm enough to throw on a pair of shorts I open my dresser drawer to find disappointment staring me in the face.

"Boy.. These look pretty small," I think as I shove one ham-bone of a leg into the size zero shorts I could pull off without unbuttoning last year.

This year I would like to blame that thirty day of squats business for my trouble. I know I eat a lot of cake but that couldn't possibly be the reason for my ten pound-ish weight gain. All those Red Bull's I drink? No, not a chance... Did somebody say cookies? When I did the squat challenge I noticed that my legs were much stronger, however they literally doubled in size! Okay not literally but seriously I could see the difference in their girth, talk about thunder thighs. I know that muscle weighs more than fat and on and on but I feel like I need to fashion a 20 gallon hefty garbage bag into some Hammer pants in order to leave the house, since I have practically nothing to fit my bunz of whale.

I called one of my girl friend's to bitch about this circumstance, and she assured me that I am vastly misinformed. Obviously what happened was that my shorts shrunk while they were hibernating for winter. You see this makes sense; since they were not exposed to sunlight or nutrition of any kind. I am sure in no time they will be able to take on the daunting task of squeezing my ass into them.

Until then, if you hear strange noises coming from the trash bag isle in the supermarket; you'll know why...

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