Monday, September 16, 2013

It Must Be Monday

It, with out a doubt, is Monday... I was taking care of some business and decided to share my e-mail...
Good Morning me's friend,
Attached are both cancellation policies. I sneezed while signing mine so my signature looks unusual.

I hope your weekend went well... I couldn't talk for quite some time due to my throat. I tried to communicate to Justin with the best sign language I knew but he was pretty much translating everything I was miming as something sexual. I am pretty sure he was trying to get down and funky. Nice to know that he still wants me when I can't talk... Come to think of it; I am probably more attractive when I can't talk. After all I only talk just to hear myself 90% of the time... including right now.

I threw up everything and the kitchen sink on Saturday. It has been a long time since that has happened. Oh what fun. I can tell I lost weight because when I was walking to my car this morning I nearly lost my britches. What a rush the cold air was on my bare ass... What a dangerous life I lead going to get my morning coffee with nothing under my basketball shorts.

When I got back home I decided to vacuum because what else should I be doing when I have three tests to study for tomorrow? I started going at it like a mad woman and kept smelling that stinky vacuum smell; you know the smell. I thought the vacuum was just trying to be an asshole so I persisted despite the smell. Next thing I knew it made this clap noise and started smoking. So I ripped the plug out of the wall to spare my new phobia of electricity from damaging my psyche anymore than it already has. It sat there smoking for a few minutes. I think maybe it caught the household version of Gonorrhea (the Clap) and was attempting to commit suicide by spontaneously combusting.
I am sorry for my tangent of sorts. I bet this is the strangest e-mail you have ever received that is work related. But hey, building rapport is part of the insurance biz.
Farewell Me's Friend,

In other news.. Justin bought me an elephant for our ten month anniversary a few weeks back. I recently moved him to the window sill. I can't help but notice, each morning as the sun rises, the shadow it casts on my closet door. It reminds me of Plato's Allegory of the Cave. 
The shadow

The real thing
 It's like the universe is telling me to turn my Philosophy minor into a major...

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