Monday, September 9, 2013

Sorry for the dramatics... but I need to get something off my chest

Do you ever feel like you have completely lost your sense of direction? Chaos can be so consuming at times, especially since that is what I grew up with. Discord was the norm. For the past few years I have been taking the proper steps to get out of my own way. I have tied up loose ends, I have side-stepped away from toxic people, I’ve taken my health by the horns (with the exception of a few cupcakes) and I have begun to stand up for myself. The latter has definitely been the most difficult.

I’ve commented about it several times, this past summer was the most difficult summer I have ever faced. When I am ready someday I will talk about it all, because I believe my experiences may help others. It is hard to see the hundred page views a day on this blog and know that somewhere someone will judge me when that day comes. That is why for the time being I must remain vague and secretive. For now, all that needs to be said is that this summer proved to be chaotic and tested me in many many ways. In an effort to combat the disarray that has been my life I finally sat down and hammered out some much needed tasks.

In the past twenty four hours I have pretty much been on crack with things I have accomplished. The to-do list I had mentally prepared over the past few months has whittled down substantially. I took an enormous risk and sent a letter whose containments have been weighing on me heavily. Have you ever written a letter that was so emotionally charged with everything you needed to say? Usually those kinds of things get stuffed in a drawer and they resurface a half a decade later, forgotten. I just sent that letter.

Typically I am a non-confrontational person. I let things go; so long as I am the only victim. In this scenario I repeatedly found myself asking why I was letting something so telling, so brash and so bothersome thrive on. This.was.hard… It is hard to put on my big girl pants and confront tough situations, but at least the worst is over. I took that leap of faith and put my heart on the line. I can only hope the receiving party is open-minded. 


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