Frankengina

Going to the gynecologist can be uncomfortable. Going to the gynecologist at 8:00AM on a Friday before a long chemistry lab can be even more uncomfortable. I tiredly rolled out of bed after about five hours of sleep and robotically prepared to go to the doctor. I made sure my lady bits were in presentable order… or as presentable as they can be.

I made the 30 minute drive to my doctor’s private practice facility. When I was walking up I noticed the glow of something that resembled a Christmas tree through the window. I thought, ‘you have got to be kidding me it isn’t even Halloween yet.’ I was pleasantly surprised when I opened the door which revealed a Christmas tree decorated with Halloween fixings. Also this fine gentleman was there to greet me…

I shall call you... Frankengina

He was taller than me. It looked like he has an extension cord; I can only imagine what he does when he is plugged in. His fingers look like they are capable of executing a pelvic exam with precise accuracy.  When I looked a little closer I noticed that he had snickers in his mouth.. A fine decoration indeed but hard to notice here. 

I desperately wanted to inquire as to how they transported Frankengina to the office... did they strap him to the top of a car? did they prop him up in the back of a truck? did they belt him in the front seat? I guess I will never know because I neglected to ask... boo on my part.

Pussy...Willows

Today I had lunch with an old friend to celebrate her birthday. That is to say an old friend as in we have been friends for ages not that she is old. We sat in Subway and conversed about vaginas and cats… It was quite productive. All the while her teenaged daughter sat perplexed as our revealing conversation became somewhat graphic. I hope the Subway employee was entertained at the grandiose descriptive nature of the sole conversation transpiring within the confines of the fast food restaurant. I bet she did not expect that when she headed to work for the day. I do what I can to mold the future generations of our society.

photo

http://www.carlbakerlandscaper.com/?p=1391

Dying to Volunteer

Today was promising. I went for an interview to become a volunteer one day a week at a medical facility. Fortunately I got the position on the condition that I both pass the background check and the tuberculosis test. Apparently I am supposed to go get a tuberculosis shot then go back and get another one like ten days later. If I live I can volunteer. If I die I guess I contracted tuberculosis. Wish me luck.

Girl on Fire

On Friday I was, as per usual, ecstatic at the conclusion of my seemingly one hundred hour chemistry lab. For some crazy reason that has something to do with toxic chemicals we are unable to eat in lab. I usually sit there with my stomach rumbling as I envision the 100 different ways I could die by the hand of explosions that are a product of my own stupidity. The fear is horrendous and whilst I am enduring it I would love nothing more than to stuff my face with a sheet cake or some french fries but alas I am forbidden.

I have somehow managed to make it this far in school despite my fear of fire/explosions. When I was in high school we were doing something with a bunsen burner in my physics lab. I was keeping a good distance from the open flame when my partner tried to convince me that the world was not going to end. I approached the flame and bravely attempted to put whatever the hell we were supposed to have in the flame, in the flame and knocked it over causing a nearby stack of paper towels to ignite; quickly followed by the bench top. I did what I do best and ran away (gotta love that negative reinforcement). My lab partner acted as hero and snuffed out the flame. I am pretty sure he is some kind of prison guard now. I bet he thanks me every day of his life for teaching him how to react in the heat of the moment.

Back to Friday… I desperately needed some comfort food after the prolonged exposure to ether and nutmeg in lab. I called Little Caesars and requested some dairy free cheese-less bread sticks. I happily picked them up and skipped to my truck. It all happened so fast I am not sure what even occurred. All I know is I was on the ground with one leg propped up on the side step on my truck. I am pretty sure I did a half split but I was too embarrassed to remain in that position. What was most important is my bread sticks were saved. I arrived home and downed an entire bag of them within about three minutes because that is just what you do after a day like that.

This week we have the option to complete two experiments; one of which will be extra credit. We are doing something with an orange and something with launching rockets… If the city of Boise is turned to ashes sometime Friday afternoon, fear not my fellow friends, it is not at the hand of a terrorist… but rather at the hand of an unfortunate chemistry student.