Big Big Toes for Ever After

Sometimes I pick on Justin because in addition to his big butt he has big big toes. As in his big toes, are huge. I am not sure what causes this…shall we say trait. I personally think that he is fortunate though because his big big toes help to support his big butt. 

I had final number two of seven on Friday. It was in chemistry lab. It lasted about five hours. We had to set up our stations and work on our own to complete a series of experiments. I am pretty sure I messed up royally on a portion of it but I just don’t care anymore. I need 14 out of the remaining 70 points available to keep my ‘A’ in the class. 

After I finished the final I drove home changed quickly then turned right around and went back to campus to volunteer for a chemistry show for children. What is that saying? Catch ‘em young? Though I felt it was my duty as an honorable citizen to pull all the children aside and inform them that chemistry is the devil, I refrained. Instead I was in charge of decorating the doors of the entrance. Big mistake people, big mistake. I should have captured a photo of the train-wreck that was a streamer bow mosaic type faux pas. Maybe it scared the children away… I hope so. 

I finally was free from streamer/chemistry hell and went home. I hadn’t eaten all day. Justin was kind enough to have a salad ready for me in the fridge when I arrived. He also had “Ever After” in the DVD player because he has been begging me to watch it every day for like a month or two. So I get settled in and we start the movie and he walks up to my side of the bed with his eyebrows all up super high and states that he has something to tell me. 

When Justin’s eyebrows go up high, there is no telling what doom is lurking in the words he is about to utter.

Me: What did you do?

Justin: You know your razor in the bathroom

Me: Yes…

Justin: I stepped on it with my big big toes and it broke.

Me: Okay… I am glad you didn’t cut your foot open.

Justin: Yeah my big big toes are super tough… There is more.

Me: *Sigh… Okay

Justin: You know your brand new body-wash?

Me: Yes

Justin: I broke the cap off of it, so it doesn’t have a top anymore.

Fortunately I have extra razors. I do think that I should not shave my legs for a week though because that way the punishment will fit the crime. I also should not use soap for a week either... Then Justin will really be sorry :) 

Because I Care-A-Lot

I had my first of seven finals today (two lab finals this week, five lecture finals next week). Now I prepare to enter crunch time. I surprisingly started off on the right foot and came home in a good mood. So good in fact that I decided to whipup one of the recipes that I had discovered in the cookbook the other night(side note Justin left the list with his drawing on it at Fred Meyer’s…awesome).

While interpretive dancing to Christmas music, I tirelessly slaved in front of the oven for just shy of two hours. You see Justin and I live the simple life; one pot, one pan, one room in our apartment, one bubble butt (his) and one whole lot of sexy dancing…you get the idea. Well this recipe required the pot to be used for four different things and the pan to be used for two different things. Long story short I got everything done in batches and the vegan lasagna was actually pretty damn good. Mushrooms, Spinach, basil, tomato sauce, sweet potatoes and a cauliflower “cheese sauce.”

Anyway the real reason I am writing this blog is because there is someone naughty on my Christmas list this year. I am obliged to get something for that person we will call them Mr. Satan (no it is not Justin---how dare you! lol). I was reflecting today on various gifts that I have given over the years. I was trying to devise a passive aggressive gift to give that is ho-hum. I was thinking back to the first Christmas where my sister, who is three years older than I am, and I decided to swap gifts. I must have been five or six years old but the memory is clear as day. She came up with the “rules” since she was older and smarter. They were as follows; “1. You can’t spend money since we don’t have any, 2. 

You can make something or give something of yours to the other person.”

In my young mind I mulled this over for weeks on end. A difficult task indeed- to give a Christmas gift. I had originally intended to share some chocolate from my advent calendar but unfortunately even then I was a chocolate feign. I ate every last bit of goodness by December 3^rd. I also thoroughly enjoyed each and every one of my toys and could not fathom parting with any of them. And even if I did part with one of them, what would the poor victim think who was chosen? It’d unequivocally be a suicide mission for said chosen one.

The days ticked by and soon Christmas Eve approached. My sister asked if I had my gift wrapped and ready to go. Of course I didn’t but that wasn’t for her to know for a Christmas miracle was on the horizon; I could just feel it. I ran down to my room and searched high and low. There in the corner sat one of the family dogs chewing on something; a mangled Care Bear plastic figurine. I felt so bad for the smashed and unrecognizable face of the plastic Care Bear, which now closely resembled Sloth from the Goonies I might add. It had once been carrying a bubbly soda with two straws in its cup. Such a thoughtful bear, who only had the intent of sharing his treat and instead was mauled to death. I then saw the remnants of the soda and scooped up the treasure. I hid the bear at once then wrapped the distorted soda in a piece of lined notebook paper as fast as I could. I ran upstairs and proudly placed my gift under the tree.

Fast forward to Christmas morning, we all sat opening our gifts. I cannot recall what it was I got from Maecee that year, but I will never forget her reaction as she opened my gift. Hindsight I am not sure why I was enthralled and excited for her to open that chewed up piece of shit, but my god was I ever. I was filled with warmth and gratification as she contemplated my terrible wrapping job. At long last she fully opened the packet.

“What is this?” She asked rolling the plastic soda in her hands.

“A soda!” I exclaimed brightly excitement bubbling over.

“From my Care Bear?” she inquired.

“Well, yes…” I replied.

“You weren’t supposed to give me something that was already mine! And this is chewed up!!” she exclaimed. “Where is the bear?”

I can’t recall the rest of the conversation, but I know that I may have lied about the whereabouts of Mr. Sloth. She forgave me that day as we played with our new toys and wondered together where Mr. Sloth could have possibly gone. It was a mystery for years. I actually did really lose him somewhere along the way. A tragic ending most assuredly but perhaps he found a place up there in Care-A-Lot. Or if Toy Story is real, perchance he is ruling the underground collection of forgotten toys with an evil vendetta.

Ahhh-mazing!

I hate to grocery shop. So does Justin. Since Justin is amazing he does nearly all of the grocery shopping for us. I started a grocery list a few days ago while I was cleaning. For some strange reason said list is missing!

Edvin Munch's famous painting... photo credit:http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Scream

I suspect that a crime was committed indeed with the missing list. Either Justin destroyed it in hopes of prolonging the inevitable or there is a huge spider (as evidenced by the copious spider webs I keep finding along my baseboards) who took it to study up on the type of person I am so he can successfully scare me into having a heart attack since I have killed so many of his friends.

Anyway today after finishing my last assignment for genetics, and my last assignment for abnormal psychology I decided to break out a few cookbooks in hopes of finding inspiration for creating a new list, and in an attempt to procrastinate on my final assignments due in organic chemistry and botany. I came up with a few new dinner ideas which is always exciting. I penned a new grocery list and then decided that the list needed some... umph. Behold, the most awesome drawing I have ever made of Justin:

I have no words

I am pretty sure this drawing will warrant a trip down the cookie/cake/chocolate isle while Justin is grocery shopping. If there is one thing I know; I deserve to be rewarded for this.

Man Bling Pants

I put advertisements up on my blog because I want to use the revenue to buy a bunch of cats and chocolate (but not in that order). Also Justin’s butt is fabulously big and I think he would look good in a pair of tight jeans with bling on the pockets. I know he would never condone my purchasing man bling pants with income from practical sources so I think that blog revenue would be the perfect excuse to buy man bling pants.

Back on track; I have no control over what shows up for ads on my blog, and I feel like I need to make that clear because I saw this the other day…

I do not support the former Asian gymnast turned hooker market. Or any hooker market for that matter. Just be aware that I am not the mastermind behind the ads that go up on here. 

PS I advise you not to search “man bling pants” on Google because you will just get a bunch of photos of Hermione Granger, Lil Wayne Christmas Ornaments and Saddam Hussein.

Quite the work of art (photo credit:collegehumor.com)

Did you wear man bling pants Saddam? photo credit:daiilymail.uk

Okay... Some toddler bling pants photo credit: http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2012/07/09/article-2170867-13FCCF2D000005DC-471_634x895.jpg

And perhaps better than man bling pants?? And is it just me or is he missing a nipple? photo credit: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2026050/Are-Spanx-pants-men-unsexy-invention-ever.html

Conversation I had with Justin

I have been doing homework all day. I am pretty brain dead. I have one million assignments due next week and two lab practical final exams and two papers. The following week I have five finals. This probably isn't that funny but I am in a weird mood. I have been trying to type Justin love notes with my foot all day... that is the kind of mood I am in.

Me after accidentally pushing Justin's pizza box: Why the heck is that on my side of the bed?

Justin: Oooh excuuuuse me! (grabs box and tries to set it on the floor)

Me after brushing copious amounts of crumbs off the bed: Watch out you will probably get crumbs all over the floor.

Justin: I just spilled the box on the floor

Me: I told you

Justin picking up the box: No it fell like this! (trying to motion with the box but accidentally throwing it in the air... it landed on the bed and crumbs flew everywhere)

Me: Nope, no crumbs anywhere.

He then started furiously brushing the crumbs off the bed and even ate a few... *sigh you would think it was cake that fell.

Dicktation

I have to take testosterone. I take it because my doctor thinks I am not man enough or because I would like to grow a penis...or something like that.

I take the testosterone in cream form. I like to avoid gel caps at all costs since most are made from gelatin (cow hooves). I get to rub the cream on my inner thigh (the perfect place to sprout a dick if you ask me). To get the proper dosage I have to turn the bottom of the tube four times. The tube then ejaculates the white cream from its hole which resembles a penis hole in that it is unidirectional and quite small. Sometimes it only squirts a little bit; but some days it goes a little crazy. There is no way to get it back in the tube, so I am forced to use the extra penis juice for the day because I don't want to waste any of my $50/month prescription.

Today was one of those days where I got to be blessed with the extra squiggle of cream. It was quite fitting to happen today anyway because I burned this "fresh balsam" candle last night in hopes of getting in the Christmas spirit a little more than I already am. Consequentially I smelled like a burly pine-fresh man today at school ( I would estimate anyone within a 15 foot radius could smell me). Paired with my on-edgey-ness (yes that is a word) that comes naturally when I get too much testosterone I felt very like I was ready to enter a lumberjack contest. *sigh

Now I am awaiting Justin's arrival home. I am hoping he will entertain me with an arm wrestling match when he gets here. Possibly while we smoke cigars and chew tobacco. Because I am feeling like I could win with my brawny arms,  penis hands down.

In other news, remember when I came out from under that rock and figured out that narwhals are real? A friend of mine posted this on my fb wall the other day. I am pretty sure this is exactly what is going on.

A Little Big Zit

You know that thing that happens when you have a zit that you have picked off like 150 times because you just want it to go away, and each time it bleeds profusely yet you still pick it for the 151^st time? I had one of those last week it was fun. I went to Hallmark. Before I entered the store I picked the zit off my chin for the umpteenth time and of course after about five minutes of perusing the cards I was adorned with a scarlet beard. It truly is amazing how such a tiny ass zit can bleed that much. Something miniscule becomes…elephantine.

It is like when you keep picking at something despite knowing that the result comes with consequences. Each time the wound bleeds a bit more. But eventually when you forget about the damn thing, it finally heals. I think sometimes we beat ourselves up unnecessarily so… for others’ mistakes, for our own, for the past, worrying about the future whatever the case may be. I guess sometimes it is beneficial to step outside ourselves and realize the simplicity in some of the situations that are consuming us. As existential as it may sound; things are the way they are and that is okay. 

My posts may be a bit sparse over the next couple of weeks. Thanksgiving break just wrapped and now I am in the grueling final three weeks of class. I shall update when possible. It would be quixotic for me to think I could have the same blog stamina that I maintained over the past couple of months.    : )