Sunday, January 5, 2014

Highs and Lowe's

So I failed to mention the other day, when I revealed the deets of my surgery to you, that I think I am 86ed from Lowe's. When Justin and I left the hospital on Christmas Eve we had to make about 18 pit stops. Since I had the procedure done in Caldwell (which is approximately a thirty minute drive from my home) it took us slightly over three hours to get home with all of the stops. Since my bladder is terribly sensitive I had to pee pretty much non stop from the moment we departed from the recovery room.

Cover your eyes while you read this if you are easily bothered by urine, because it is about to sound like R. Kelly's wet dream up in here. So we drove about four or five blocks before I was begging Justin to pull over the vehicle, and allow me to empty my bladder of the ounce of urine that had found its way through my system within the past three minutes. Each time we stopped it would take a couple of minutes for the pee to start coming out since I was still partially under the effects of the general anesthetic. All sorts of people at all of the gas stations and fast food joints eye balled me in an "I think you have explosive diarrhea" kind of way as I would run to the bathroom in near tears.

About five minutes passed after one of the gas stations we visited, which far superseded my capabilities of holding my pee for three minutes max. Finally I spotted a Lowe's and was screaming in satanic tongues to pull the car over. Justin was unable to drive through the bumper to bumper last minute Christmas shoppers that congested the boulevard flanked with major stores in a timely fashion. Despite his Jason Statham Transporter-esque maneuvers I was beside myself. I'm pretty sure I exited the vehicle before it even came to a complete stop.

Me and Justin Photo Credit:

I ran hurriedly into the store and found two women associates having a seemingly pleasant conversation. With my tear streaked face I bombarded them with the words "bladder surgery" and "bathroom" and "peeing my pants" to which they pointed, with concern plastered all over their faces, in the direction of my sweet sanctuary. They asked me if I needed help as though I was some sort of battered woman but I ignored their offer and plopped down on the toilet just in time for the ounce of urine to come out.
Me running into Lowe's Photo Credit:

When I came out of the bathroom Justin was sitting on the bench directly outside the restroom door with embarrassment written all over him. I proceeded to cry and throw a fit because what else was left to do. The Lowe's employees watched from a safe distance as I made a fool of myself. After a half an hour and twenty-ish trips back into the bathroom we continued on our journey. As I mentioned before the trip home was a long one. Though I contained my outbursts a bit better than I had in Lowe's that car trip was the most embarrassing I have ever had.

Eventually I made it home. Slowly within the next twenty four hours, my urine only needed to be released about every fifteen minutes. Three days or so later I finally had it down to about an hour between toilet trips. Today I am back to normal. But with all this pee talk I have to pee, so I had better sign off for now. Before I do sign off, I entitled this highs and Lowe's, so along with the low point the high point is that we FINALLY saw "The Hobbit" this weekend. Despite the deviation from the plot of the book, the movie was actually pretty good :)

PS my friend totally made this cup and posted the photo on Facebook. I am super jealous...  

Upper Left: Hogwarts, Upper Right: Hagrid's hut, Lower Left: Womping Willow with the Enchanted Ford Anglia Lower Right: Deathly Hallows

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