Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Some More Boring Medical Info- and What I Will Probably Look Like in 20Years

You may recall around Christmas time (also right on the cusp of finals) last year that I had some issues with my bladder; here and (I can't fix that typo~click on the second 'here' not the first on the two stuck together) In true Malina fashion my body parts decided to go at it again right in the middle of the semester coming to a close. 

A few weeks ago I awoke in the night to a terrible contracting feeling in the middle of my chest. It was such a peculiar pain that caught me off guard. I sat up from about 10:30pm-9:00am dealing with this odd searing pain until finally I could go to the doctor during normal business hours to avoid paying excessively for the ER. Before I left I took a sip of Red Bull. By the time I arrived at the doctor (a walk in doc in the box type place) I was doubled over in pain crying. I must have looked quite attractive and they were concerned about my dramatic performance bringing all the boys to the yard so they stuck me in a corner separate from the waiting room while I awaited the PA’s attention.  

Finally after 30-45 minutes it was my turn. We discussed a bunch of boring things about poop and body parts, and took some blood and an x-ray which appeared normal. The PA suspected my appendix and sent me on my way to get a CT scan down the road. Finally the pain began to subside. I went to the scan; got the results back and all looked normal. The PA called to tell me to come back should things get worse and that it may be a gastrointestinal problem and to follow up with a specialist. 

I ate a pickle since I had not eaten anything all day and it was going on 4:00pm. The pain came back but it was bearable. A few hours later it dissipated. Then Justin got pizza and I could not resist because I am me. I ate not one, not two, but three pieces of delectable vegan pizza. I skipped off to bed, unsuspecting of the events that would soon transpire. 

Not two hours after eating my eyes snapped open and once again I was in excruciating pain however it was roughly 100 times worse that it had been before. Finally Justin and I made an executive decision to spend the $ and head to the ER for our fear of my going on a rampage and waking all of the neighbors. Long story short it wound up being my gallbladder. It took the ER trip, a follow up with a gallbladder specialist, a HIDA scan (which I had 8 days after the CT so that the contrast did not interfere with the HIDA scan dye), and a whole lot of starving before the scan results were in. I lost only 6 pounds on my all liquid diet. Justin all the while enjoyed left over pizza, finger steaks, and even some Dairy Queen…Finally two lonely Saturday mornings ago at 8:00am I had the damn thing removed.

I am sure the bills will start rolling in any day now. My question is; why is it that the hospital charges me to take out my gallbladder? It is damn near a weapon of mass destruction; they should have paid me to have the privilege of removing it, and learning from its maniacal tendencies. I think since it is called a gallbladder it was in cahoots this whole time with my bladder who failed to kill me back in December. Bastard. Nonetheless it is somewhere in the depths of hell torturing someone else now; of that I am sure. I wonder what is in store for me next time finals roll around? Pretty soon they will have to start putting robot parts in me. 

In twenty years I will probably look like this except with more cats around me~ and maybe Justin too because he won't judge me for having a third foot. 
Photo Credit: Star Wars

How I feel with the impending doom of medical bills:

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