Monday, May 4, 2015

Meatings of Men

I went to work today and boy did it feel like a Monday. I parked in the farthest possible parking stall from the building in an effort to force myself to exercise. Once I got situated at my desk I realized I not only neglected to bring my water, and my phone, but also my work binder. Ooooh fiddlesticks. I was left with no choice but to speed walk my ass back to my car. The whole way I kept thinking about how I should invest in a segway or possibly call patient transport to cart my butt back to work. 

When I arrived back at my desk a patient's husband was waiting for his wife. The following conversation transpired...

Man: Where do they hang the meat in here?

Me: I'm sorry sir, but do you need the bathroom?

Man: What makes you think that?

Me: Hanging meat? Bathroom? Uh... I'm not sure. (Of course I couldn't say what I was really thinking)

Man: I just wondered why it was so chilly in here. You know; hanging meat in a freezer?

Me: oh yes of course (this makes much more sense than my mind's phallic assumption) 

About an hour later another husband was watching me read Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I glanced up at him and smiled 

Man: Do you want to know how to please your husband?

Me: What?

Man: Your husband- how to please him. 

Me: How's that? (me getting nervous that someone is going to be inappropriate)

Man: Soak his meat in black ale 

Me: I'll keep that in mind. I'm sure my husband would be very pleased with a beer soaked chunk of meat. 

Man: No not beer, but black ale... And yes he would be very pleased because it kills 50% of carcinogens. 

Me: ? Okay. Thanks for the tip. 

What I really wanted to say was I neither have a husband, cook meat, nor drink ale however I can give horses (66% of the time) a boner when I pet them. 

Also this:

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